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Parenting

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Original poster

Should we attend this birthday party?

21 replies

TalkMutherhood · 19/01/2023 17:22

My 9-yr old DD was invited to a birthday party recently. I anticipate she was invited because the mum and I are longstanding friends. I have noticed her daughter is kind when the girls are alone but she actively shuns/ignores her when the 'cool' girls are around. This group of girls has clearly determined that my daughter is to be ignored during the school day.

I looked at the invitation and there will be others girls in attendance who my daughter likes and who do appreciate her but the birthday girl likely won't be kind given the other 'cool girls'.

Should we attend? Am I being spiteful if I decline the invitation? Am I setting her up for disaster?

Separately, should my daughter tell the girl "you are only nice when we are alone but mean with the group?" Or will we be adding fuel to their fire?

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WhatWouldHopperDo · 19/01/2023 17:28

I think at 9 I would be led by your DD. If she wants to go let her.

Lottie917 · 19/01/2023 19:46

I'd agree with previous poster - Ask your DD if she wants to go.

Vallmo47 · 19/01/2023 19:49

Let your daughter lead this one, don’t put thoughts into her mind that may not be there. But be ready and willing to talk and support her if she does eventually feel like that.

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NuffSaidSam · 19/01/2023 19:50

Let your DD choose.

And that goes for telling the girl she's unkind as well. You need to take a step back and let your DD deal with it.

BevMarsh · 19/01/2023 19:58

I'd let my DD decide if she wanted to go.
There will the the other girls your DD likes who will be there.
She knows what this girl is like and spends all day with them at school so she isn't in for any nasty surprises.

Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 19/01/2023 21:38

Thank you. Would you provide any pointers for dealing with any discomfort? I fear giving strategies that she may misunderstand and then aggravate things.

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Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 19/01/2023 21:38

Very true and teaches resilience. And can't protect her from everything.

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00100001 · 19/01/2023 21:40

If DD wants to go send her. And let the mother see her kid's shitty behaviour... Might put a stop to it...

Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 19/01/2023 21:46

Fair point. I am getting angry for my daughter and want her to be assertive but need to remember she isn't me. Need to trust she knows herself.

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NuffSaidSam · 19/01/2023 22:09

You also need to remember that these other girls are also only 9 years old. They haven't got well developed social strategies either. It's unlikely they've had a meeting and decided to purposefully ignore your DD. They'll be far too self-involved for that. The other girl is probably just thinking that's she'd rather play with X than your DD so that's what she's doing. She's not thought about how that impacts your DD. Obviously, that's not kind, but it's not deliberate either. They're all just learning.

Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 19/01/2023 22:15

I see your point when it comes to the birthday girl herself - and those are the breaks in life - you won't always be someone's preference. There is one girl who seems to 'control' who is in/out. I thought I was mistaken and perhaps it was accidental but watched it happen at a recent class event. The girl was actively cruel. I was actually shocked given the age - hoping it was just a circumstantial.

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EagleNab · 20/01/2023 09:44

You could talk to your daughter about the situation and see how she feels about it. If she wants to go to the party, it may be a good opportunity for her to practice social skills and build confidence. On the other hand, if she is not comfortable going, it may be best to decline the invitation.

ALS94 · 20/01/2023 09:56

As others have said, let your DD decide. I’m a teacher and can say from classroom experience that at that age friend groups change all the time and kids are brutal. It’s hard to watch as a parent but if there are other children going that are more inclusive then that will give her other options. Don’t mention the ‘mean girls’ until DD does, and when she does the best advice is to explain to her that she can’t be liked by everyone, it’s part of life and to focus on making friends with the other children. Unless they’re actually being directly mean like saying to her she’s stupid or something, in which case you could suggest she stands up for herself but only if that’s her personality. Some children just don’t want conflict and would prefer to just move on and rise above it

Thereisnolight · 20/01/2023 10:06

The bottom line is that there are a group of girls in your DD’s class who are “strong” personalities. Your DD is not part of this group. You may be friends with the mum but that doesn’t mean the DDs will be.

Are there other girls in the class that she gets on well with? If so, encourage her to recognise all the dynamics and personality types and make her aware that “strong” characters can be a nuisance in any group but she shouldn’t take it personally or let them affect her enjoyment of her own life and friends. She shouldn’t try to be best friends with the group but keep things on a polite and civil footing. If your DD has other people to play with and isn’t isolated then I wouldn’t describe the other girl’s behaviour as bullying.

On that basis, ask her if she’d like to go along to the party and just enjoy it for what it is and listen to what she says.

Thereisnolight · 20/01/2023 10:08

PS If the class is small and the “strong” characters rule the entire class and your DD doesn’t have other options for friendships, and this has been going on for a couple of years, I’d consider moving her to a different school.

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 10:12

If there are other girls there then she can speak to them, she doesn’t need to be in the cool girl gang. I’d also let her decide. You can’t micro manage her relationships and make decisions like this for her, it’s not fair on her

WandaWonder · 20/01/2023 10:13

Why are you not letting your child decide?

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 10:14

Also what is all the should we attend thing. Even if you go and hang about the invite is not to you it’s hers.

Quitelikeit · 20/01/2023 10:18

Sadly there’s not much you can do beyond tell your daughter that she will encounter mean people throughout her life.

I say this to my kids. I advise that they are best ignored and avoided as they aren’t worth the headspace.

I also remind my kids regularly that a persons behaviour is really about them and how they are feeling inside and nothing to do with my kids.

Its not really the friends fault as she may not have the ability to deal with the other girl or even realise how manipulative she is.

Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 20/01/2023 17:53

I haven't connected with her yet as it is a few weeks out. I wanted to get a perspective before I spoke with her. I have let her talk, I probe a little and have been trying to volunteer and watch things before I took a position either way. Thank you all for your help and feedback. I will ask her what she wants to do, monitor the dynamic for the year and potentially make school adjustments if it seems it needs to come to that. In the meantime, I will follow her lead and pose open-ended questions to help her come to her own conclusions that will work for her.

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Original poster

TalkMutherhood · 20/01/2023 17:55

I mistyped - 'she attend'. I would not be attending - that would be too much. And I would be declining the invite on her behalf as it came electronically to my email address.

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