In tears every evening at the moment- baby sleep

[Goldi321]

I just feel like such a shit mum and am spiralling into a place of real resentment of my baby. I get no joy anymore, just everything is a battle.

DD is almost 11 months old. Always been a shit day sleeper, like even as a newborn would just lie awake for HOURS despite feeding, rocking, singing. Only thing that worked was putting her in the sling.

Nights were good up until 5/6 months when they deteriorated and now she is AwKe every 2 hours and I am now cosleeping in her room from the first wake up which I hate. I never see my husband anymore we just Alternate shifts with the baby. There is no fun with her, just desperately trying to get chores done while the other looks after her and both of us don’t really know how to entertain a child before imaginative play stage. I’m so lonely all day with her, we go to a few baby classes but no one chats really other than superficial niceties and the people disappear as quickly as possible at the end.

Id worked super hard before Christmas to get her into a better routine as I read lots of advice. She was napping twice a day in the cot (amazing as she would only contact nap before!) and I felt great as I was getting a break from her, could get stuff done and she was a happier baby. Now since Christmas she has been unwell, is cutting a tooth and won’t go down AT ALL. She screams. I end up in tears most evenings because I get to my limit and she is still awake.

we tried controlled crying before her Illness and she screamed for 25 mins to such a point where she went hoarse. Me going in settled her intially but when I left the room or put her down she screamed. Patting her/shushing makes her scream and thrash about. I was going to ride through a bit more and trust the process but DH declared he couldn’t listen to it (it was hard and I was in tears) and we couldn’t do it so that isn’t an option now. I was very upset with him as he isn’t the one getting up with her and having to share a bed with her (did I mention I hate it!).

today and yesterday she has screamed during attempts at morning nap so I have a abandoned this and she is now clingy and crying if I put her down. I’m still not ready for the day so feel horrible.

I’ve spoken to the HV nursery nurses who just gave me the generic advice- have you tried baby massage (she is a fecking nightmare post bath and even dressing her is a battle), telling me she is overtired (no shit Sherlock) , telling me to stop feeding her to sleep (wouldn’t you do it too if it is the only way to get her to sleep?!).

I just find myself wondering where have I gone wrong? I tried her with a dummy from early on (just spat out), tried a bottle in the hope of getting more food into her early on or getting some respite (she refused to take). DH is out long hours so it is only us and I get no break so I have never had any help.

i feel like the worst mother in the world for resenting my daughter.

At points I’ve even left her to CIO when I just need to step away for her from 5 minutes to catch my breath. I feel like an awful mother.

Also we live quite rurally and so going anywhere involves a car journey and what with this, freezing weather and explosive diarrhoea by baby gets after every upper respiratory tract infection I am feeling so isolated. We have a small park I can walk to,l about 3 mins away, that is the extent of the footpaths around here suitable for buggies. Otherwise NSL roads that are dangerous to walk down. Never anyone else in the park and what the feck do you do with a non walking baby in a park except put the in the swing, say whee, and go home? No wildlife or trees to point out to her.

Hi @Goldi321 , I didn't want to read and run. Firstly, you're not a bad mum and you haven't done anything wrong. It is just hard sometimes. And sleep deprivation is torture. Illness and teething throw everything out of the window, unfortunately. But it might be possible to make some changes once this bout of teething has passed. It will involve some tears though but you can stay with her and settle her. I would try something like feeding to almost asleep and then settling in cot. Then put her a bit more awake in cot each night so she does the falling asleep bit on her own. Then book after feed. Do you also feed her when she wakes in the night? I would personally also think of night weaning at some point too. I hope things get better.

I only feed her if she won’t settle, maybe once per night. Otherwise try to settle with soothing.

she just screams when I put her down in the cot. No patting, shushing , hair stroking soothes her she just climbs up and tries to get to me.

I’m just not very good. I can’t push through crying, it makes me very frustrated listening to it. I am usually hungry and at the end of my tether as DH still not home from work by the time of food/bed/bath so by that point I am exhausted and at my limit

I think there are two interconnected problems here:

1. Your baby doesn't sleep well and that's making you extremely tired
2. Your DH is away for long hours and you don't have any other support

A routine worked for you before, I'd try to get back to that and persevere - eventually she won't be bothered by bugs and teeth and will nap again. Sounds like she might be overtired maybe? Does she sleep in the car? In desperation I sometimes used to take DC out and then park up and snooze myself once they went off.

Is your plan to be a SAHM? Could you start DD in nursery or use a childminder to give you a bit of a break? Sometimes the routine and stimulation of childcare can help with sleep. Plus mixing with adults a bit might make a big difference.

How attached are you to where you're living? Thinking longer term, could you move closer to DH's job so his commute is shorter and he does more with DC? Or do you need to be where you are for a return to your work? It sounds like where you live isn't giving you many options for meeting people or going places with DC. If moving isn't possible, I'd be a bit more assertive in making friends - playgroups and playparks, strike up a conversation with someone with similar age kids, then tell them you don't know many other mums, would they like to meet up some time?

Food wise - you need to eat. Don't wait for DH to come back - have some easy snacks and food around that you can have - give yourself a teatime snack and you can still eat with DH. Oatcakes, fruit, cereal bars, a bread roll etc.

Re walking - do you have a sling where you can put DD on your back? When they're a bit bigger it can be nice to have a walk like that and you'd be able to go on footpaths that are inaccessible with a buggy.

Does your DH take DD at weekends so you get a break? Including overnights.

You're not a bad mother at all, you're a human being with needs that are not being met - needs include: food, water, exercise, being out in the world, sleep, a sense of fulfilment.

I think sometimes you can get in a kind of feedback where the baby is crotchety so you get tired and stressed, the baby picks up on it and gets even more grumpy. Not that it's your fault, but how you feel is important.

I don’t think I can do that routine anymore. She slept twice a day but I barely left the house as there wasn’t time between feeding her and cleaning up, naps and getting out. I might make it t a supermarket and back if that.

she starts nursery next month which will be good to wear her out. I’m going back to work 6 weeks after but I work in the NHS so it’s going to be fucking awful. Also have a long commute so can’t feasibly see how the fuckedy fuck we are going to manage. It all seemed easy before she was born and then we got landed with a very challenging baby.

DH is lovely, sweet but also knackered from work (he had a bit of a breakdown a few months ago from it and has cut down work by 30 mins a day but work won’t let him do more and he risks not getting a new contract which would leave us screwed). He takes her for breakfast each morning while I sleep in for 30 mins. He doesn’t take her off his own back at the weekend. We both find it tough because we are renovating our house so there are always pressing jobs to do to make the house safe for the baby so we end up playing baby tennis. He would never just take her for a few hours off his own back.

she went down to sleep post lunch as she was shattered, I made it outside to fit her new car seat and she has woken up screaming. Less than 30 mins. I went for a wee, car seat and that was it. I can’t cope like this.

If you really feel you can't cope it might be worth talking to your GP, you might be depressed and need some help with that. They sometimes have services to help with this sort of thing, baby massage classes etc.

Things will change next month when she starts nursery. Get to that point. You've made it this far, it's a few more weeks. You might be able to ring up and get her to start a bit earlier.

Re housework - drop your standards, do shopping online instead of in person, if you can afford it get a cleaner and/or a robot hoover. Whatever makes life easier. Re house renovations, unless it's actually dangerous you can put it on the back burner now to save your sanity, or pay someone to do it if you can afford it.

If you and your husband are both facing long commutes and feeling you can't cope, it's worth thinking through a plan b and c - maybe it will all work out fine, but what would you do if it didn't? Are there other roles that would be more flexible or less pressured? Have you spoken to your employers about the possibility of a soft return (phasing back in), wfh part of the time? I know it's not always possible but worth asking.

You say it's the challenging baby that has put a spanner in the works - would a non-challenging baby be that different re the work situation? You'd be less tired, but other than that? Before a baby comes, it seems like you can just make it fit with your life but it's not always that straightforward.

Do you know about the Bobble app? It's for babysitting, you might find someone in your area who could take the baby for a few hours and give you a break? Lots of them are nursery workers with qualifications etc. If you have the money, a sleep consultant can also be helpful.

It won't always be like this, don't despair! I've found that challenging babies are often just frustrated and when they start moving and talking they chill out a lot. Some individuals just don't enjoy being babies much!

Hi OP. I don’t want to give you advice because I don’t feel you need it. I say that because I could have written nearly your entire post with one or few minor different details, and personally I am beyond advice and simply need people to understand how difficult it is.

do you think she is high needs? Mine definitely is.

it’s hell, I’m with you, DD is almost 11 months too and my resentment of her is getting to me daily.

Feel free to send me a private message if want to chat or vent, or just hear about someone in a very similar position who is also at their absolute limit.

xxxx

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this alone. It is a really tough time and I'm sure many other mums will tell you that you aren't the first.

I know you said you hate cosleeping, but if it's working just keep at it.

DD1 coslept with either myself or DH until she was a year old. She would wake constantly throughout the night and eventually we gave in. She has a double bed in her room and DH sleeps with her. She's almost 2. My 4 month old cosleeps with me.

I understand what you mean about the park but for children it's such a huge thing. Just the fresh air whilst she's sat on the swing will do her good.

Do you have any cafes around you? Maybe taking her for a hot chocolate/warm milk might be a little different to the park. If she falls asleep in the buggy then I would just do that same 3 minute route up and down until she goes down. Otherwise enjoy the contact naps. You won't get anything done but at least you won't be pulling your hair out when your baby doesn't go down and is then overtired and clingy after.

Can you get basic things done whilst she's awake? Dishes, laundry etc? If she's had a good contact nap in the morning maybe she'll be in a better mood to play without you so you can do those little things whilst she's awake.

I also will second seeking help from GP about PND. It's taken me two births to finally get help from a therapist and I've only had 2 sessions so far, but I didn't realise how deep in the trenches I was until now. I've had to pay for mine though as the NHS waiting queue is so long and I got to a really really bad point that I gave in and sought help privately.

Agree with talking to your GP.

So you had a good routine and it's went to pot due to being unwell and teething, this happens. Nothing you've done.
Once she's well again and the tooth has popped through try again with what you done prior to Christmas.
I had a contact napper for awhile, when things went to shit I made the first nap of the day a contact one and I felt it made the rest of the day go better. I rested, he slept well = we both were in a good mood.
(Make yourself a coffee, get a book, tv on, phone etc)

Chores, they can wait. Honestly. Shop online, batch cook/cook extra so you have a meal for the next day whilst DH is at work. You need to eat.
House Reno, as pp, unless something is dangerous, be more realistic with it.
Can somethings wait until she's in a good routine?

If you need to walk out the room for a couple of minutes, do it (granted she is safe) take deep breaths.

Getting out everyday definatley helped my mental health whilst my son was young. I just used to walk where I could, head phones in. He also started napping in his buggy. Coffee in a flask for me. Fresh does you both good.

Does your village have a Facebook group that could put you in contact with other parents?

You will find nursery will make alot of difference. In a lot of aspects.

You aren't a shit mum, we are all winging our way through.