No naps for baby

[Cleanqueennot]

My baby is 6 months old and has never been a great napper during the day. Overnight he wakes every 2 hours and I have to breastfeed him to sleep. These last couple days I have spend all day trying to get him to nap but all it’s only ended in tears for both of us. I cannot do this anymore. Today I practically broke down and told my mum I don’t think I can be a mum anymore 😢

I don’t want any advice on trying to get him to nap. I’ve tried everything so I don’t want to try anymore. I’ve decided I will not be spending another day trying to force him to nap if he won’t. I just wondered if anyone else has been through this and when it got better? Please tell me it will get better!

I have decided to just get on with my day and if he naps great, and if he doesn’t then I’m not going to make him. It’s not worth the tears and me losing my sanity!

OP your posts reminded me just how stressed, scared, guilty and unprepared I felt with my firstborn 💐
It’s a learning process and it certainly gets better.

If you don’t mind me asking - how do you try to get him to nap? What if you breastfeed to sleep and keep holding him whilst on your phone/watching tv?
I’m doing that with my second (currently asleep in my arms, I’m browsing MN and soon will watch a film before bed) - I wish I’d known to do that with my first!
At night I co-sleep, otherwise I’ll be broken…

I wish we could help you - it’s the hardest and loneliest thing to be a first time mother .

Oh OP, I have been exactly there with my first - down to thinking I needed to go back to work early as someone else would be better at looking after them. I stopped trying to get her napping at home entirely, and just did a lot of walking. I was convinced that passers-by would comment on her crying sometimes and I would pick fights with them in my head, but no one ever said anything. As someone else said, I found her naps improved around the time she started walking. In comparison, my second naps easily and settles himself to sleep. If I had had him first I would have been so smug and assumed I was an excellent parent! But I now realise they are all different, which is why so much of this sleep advice is just crap designed to make parents part with their money.

Thanks, it means so much to know I’m not alone. Husband just got home and is making us all dinner and then I’ll treat myself to a long shower.

I have tried bf him to sleep but as soon as he is done feeding he starts squirming as if he has somewhere more interesting to be! Then usually whinges until I either successfully distract him, or fail and he starts crying

I really do understand how you feel, I was very against sleep training.

I can only give you my experience, which is that my baby used to cry constantly because he was so tired from waking up all night. The first night we did Ferber we had more sleep and less crying than we’d ever had in his life.

He used to wake up every hour because I’d “taught” him that to go to sleep he needed to be fed. I’d never allowed him to learn that he could fall asleep without it. So every time he stirred he would wake fully, expecting to be fed, instead of rolling over and going back to sleep.

I know Ferber is a very emotive subject, but the “method” bit is only a small part of the book, which is really useful in understanding sleep properly.

I won’t post again as I don’t want you to feel I’m pushing it on you, but it genuinely gave me my life back, and was the best thing I’ve ever done. There’s no harm reading the book, you don’t have to commit to anything.

Sorry you are going through this. I know you don't want advice but will he nap in pushchair/car. My DS is a bit younger but I'm trying not to force naps but just allow opportunity eg taking him for a walk in the pushchair. If Ferber type methods aren't for you, you could Google "possums approach" which takes a very different tack and puts much less pressure on naps, self settling etc. I do have an older DD and I can remember getting really anxious about routines etc and I have decided to go for a different approach this time.

I have four kids, and I've never tried to make any of them nap. I get on with my day, and they sleep if they want to. They were always happy to fall asleep in the car, the buggy, on my lap/breast, on the sofa, in bed .... wherever really.

I did have a period where I "made" my 4 year old twins have a nap because they and I needed them to. Because they were 4 I could talk to them and they understood the expectation that we would all lie down for 10 mins (no sitting up or talking) on the understanding that if we were still awake after 10 mins they could get up again. But as babies, I just let them sleep or not.

Let go of the judgement first of all. None of this is a reflection of you as a mother. You’re doing a great job with the hand you’ve been dealt. Babies are all very different despite how we parent them, as most people with more than one will tell you.

A couple of practical suggestions…

Something that made a huge difference to me was baby wearing. Didn’t do it with DC1 but discovered it second time around. I couldn’t get on with stretchy wraps but we eventually found the Neko baby carrier and it was a game changer. Even if your baby still won’t sleep in it (my nap refuser did), it may help to calm him if he’s getting tetchy and overtired. If he’s a bigger baby you may want to try a toddler carrier. Look for a local sling library who offer consultations.

My friend had great success after seeing a cranial osteopath with her baby. Something else to consider if you feel you’ve tried everything.

It won’t last forever 💐

He does nap in the push chair and car if pushed or driving around for an hour or so. Then he will have a 40 min nap at most. I just couldn’t leave the house today. I had a full on break down crying on the kitchen floor. I think I would have actually had that in the street if I’d left the house and he was crying outdoors!

Thanks I’ll look into the possum method as never heard of it. The routine thing is definitely a source of anxiety for me and I know I’ll have to tackle it at some point. I’m just not ready mentally for it yet

I hope you had some personal space OP, and a hot meal & shower.

The 40min thing is one sleep cycle - mine currently does 4-5 thirty minute naps a day. Each baby ‘learns’ to link the cycles at a different age.
Cat naps are absolutely fine.

At that age they sure like to unlatch and scan the surroundings instead of getting on with sleeping - it was stressing me to no end with my first, as if I was constantly on some sort of timed mandatory task.

I now find the humour in it, and tell baby 2 he doesn’t need to do perimeter checks every 30 seconds.
I usually carry him slowly around the house and let him look at things, mirrors etc. Boring, but he’s content and I am on auto-pilot.

I remember my first also hating the buggy for a while, so I just stayed at home…

Don’t put any pressure on yourself and the baby - if he won’t sleep, it’s fine to just keep him quiet by walking around rooms/ bouncing/humming etc. or sitting in a high chair and you talking him through the house errands you are doing.

My LO has not been great at napping and used to wake a lot in the night.

I now know that it was probably due to allergies. Sometimes the no sleeping could be down to reflux.

New advice now is to nap on the go. My LO would only do contact naps or in car/ buggy.

Shes never taken to just being put down to sleep.

I promise it does get better x

"I have decided to just get on with my day and if he naps great, and if he doesn’t then I’m not going to make him. It’s not worth the tears and me losing my sanity!"

Sounds a lot like the possums sleep approach https://www.reddit.com/r/AttachmentParenting/comments/hw0r0q/anyoneelseefollowingtheepossumssleepp_approach/

My DD1 was like that - no naps and lots of breastfeeding at night. It was awful and I was exhausted for the first months of her life. I can't remember when it started to improve but it did and she was sleeping through the night at 1ish (but still fighting naps!) and has been a good sleeper since. It put me off TTC again and we didn't until she was 2 as I couldn't face going through the torture again. Your DH needs to take baby as much as he can so you can sleep but I know that's easier said than done when breastfeeding. It's bloody hard but I'm sure you're doing better than you think

I know exactly how you feel! Our daughter from 3-5 months basically just stopped sleeping and I thought I would die from sleep exhaustion and that was with my partner doing split nights every night with me. It’s fucking brutal!!

I ended up speaking with an infant sleep coach, who made a lot of sense. Babies don’t know how to sleep, we need to help them, we need to create the optimum environment, and we need patience as these things don’t kick in overnight. You didn’t ask but I’ll list what we ended up doing, you don’t have to try it (or try again if you already have) but I seriously recommend you do, once baby was napping, I was napping and I was a much better person for it.

1. give them a comforter - sleep with it first so it has your scent, then express some BM on it or formula and then during every feed have it between you and baby then place it into their sleep space with them. We ditched the dummy as she would wake up crying every minute as soon as it would fall out!

2. buy a white noise machine, not one that goes on and off, one that stays on all night long. I got ours off Amazon it was less than £20.

3. you and your partner should agree on a phrase that you say every nap / bedtime as you place them into your safe space.

4. block out all lights, the light wakes up ours, we have a pitch black room.

5. make sure they aren’t too warm / too cold, have you a room thermometer?

stop feeding to sleep, we do pjs, bottle, story, phrase/song, bed. Takes roughly 30-45 mins. Nap routines take 10 mins. Pay attention to wake windows and their sleep signals. Miss it and they’ll be overtired which in our case also leads to lots of nighttime wakes. You need to help them to self settle, when they wake go into their room (no lights) hand on chest, say phrase, leave. Should take no more than 10 seconds. Repeat. It’s up to you how long you leave it between visits, I wait two mins everytime, after the first two days i didn’t need to go back in.

good luck you’ve got this!!

I was very pro breastfeeding, especially with DC1.

I think you should consider stopping BF.

In my completely non-expert opinion, babies just sleep better when there full. Mine loved nice warm bottle of formula.

Wean and bottle feed. Then other Pele can help as well, meaning you’ll get more of a break.

Also your hormones may settle down. Mine were all over the place, especially with DC2, this May also help you to cope.

You’ve done an amazing job but you don’t need to be a breastfeeding martyr. If you can sleep well and feel better you’ll handle your baby’s tiredness better, and it may also improve within itself also.

Thanks for the tips. Yes we do have a thermometer and it is often too cold in our bedroom, he’s still sleeping with us because I’ll be damned if I’m getting out of bed to go to his room every 2 hours each night 😂. I dress him in long sleeve vest, a sleepsuit and a 2.5 tog snuggle suit with long sleeves to try to make up for it. I’ve noticed he wakes more when it’s colder so I’m hoping as spring arrives things will get easier!

This sounds like my baby (5.5 mo). I have a toddler so I just don't have any time to spend ages getting her to nap, and when she does fall asleep he always wakes her up. She survives. Don't stress about it. We did all the sleep training stuff with our first and it never worked. This time around we co sleep (I swore I never would) and I feel like I get a great night's sleep even though she actually wakes up to feed all the time. Just do what you need to survive. Everything is a phase and it does improve!

Do you think you wake them up? I didn’t realise how noisy we must of been as the first night we moved her into her own room she woke twice for a feed and that was it!

id get a 3.5 tog sleep bag and a fleece onesie.

hope you manage to get some sleep this eve.

I don’t think we wake him up because he often wakes up when we are just in bed quietly before we’ve even gone to sleep. I’ve got a fleece baby grow as well. Couldn’t find any 3.5 tog bags when I looked and have now spent our last £40 on the 2.5 tog snuggle suit. They are too expensive!! My eye is crazy swollen from all the crying I’ve done. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight!

Hi OP

All babies are different. You’re not doing anything wrong. My sister’s baby can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, mine requires complete darkness and silence and then still wakes up a lot! We really don’t parent them differently; they’re just different.

You might feel like a bad mum, but your baby is lucky to have you - a mother who cares deeply about his well-being and doing the best she can. Finding it difficult and unenjoyable does NOT make you a bad parent. Anyone would struggle in your position. You mustn’t berate yourself. I think that your instincts to accept that your baby can’t/won’t nap at the moment and to run with it are right. You have to accept him for the type of baby he is, accept yourself for finding it tough and remember that you just have to get through each day. He won’t be a baby forever and you WILL enjoy motherhood eventually, I’m sure of it.

Thanks for your kind words. They mean so much! X

Mine was a terrible napper at that age. She's two now and naps 3 hours each afternoon! I'm not sure what the solution was but we made several changes around the time she started napping more:

I switched to mixed feeding, so I still gave breast but in the evening (when she was really thirsty) DH gave her bottles of formula. It's less work for babies to drink formula and they feel fuller so sleep better. I sometimes gave her formula around noon as well.

We did controlled crying. I didn't care that she still woke /wakes up at night but after nappy change and milk she needed to learn to fall asleep again and not stay awake for hours. Controlled crying taught her that (within 2 days). Suddenly she also fell asleep easier during the day. I so wish I had started this the second she was 6 minths. That would have saved us months of exhaustion.

Oh yeah, I also have a baby that needs a quiet house to fall asleep. And her own bed. None of this "just keep hoovering downstairs and make normal noise so they learn to sleep through it". Mine wouldn't sleep.

You sound exhausted. Don't give up, you'll be much happier when you get more rest. I've felt the same. Just try some of the suggestions here and if they don't work for you yet, consider nursery or a childminder a few half days a week so you get a break.