9 year old son and sleep

[Jomummy1013]

Hi, I didn't want to post this in the sleep section as it does not relate to a young baby/toddler. It's about my son, who is 9.
He's always been a good sleeper. Well, since around the age of 2. Was awful when he was a baby but that's neither here nor there.
I would say in the last month/6 weeks he has developed 'sleep anxiety', whereby he fears he will not be able to sleep.
I have a shared care arrangement with his father, and he sleeps fine at his dad's. None of this happens.
He is the only boy out of three children so he has his own room.
I am starting to dread bedtimes. It is not even 10am and I am thinking about and stressing about it already.
My relationship with him is not great. He can be rude and insulting and we argue. I shouldn't argue with a 9 year old but I do He makes me so angry. He has got his father on side, I am the big, bad, incapable ogre.
He has a nice, comfy room. I haven't got around to decorating it yet but it's a good size single room, which is warm and clean.
He has a cabin bed.
He has fairy lights which I will switch on as he says he is scared.
He has no TV an hour before bed and I read to him for half an hour. He has a bath every night before bed as well.
I put his little sister to bed and he will bath and read a book in in his room while he waits for me. Then I will go to him and read to him in the room which is dim and I use the fairy lights so o can see the book, but when the reading is done he will say to me 'but what if I can't sleep?' And I immediately feel tense. He has a lavender spray which he will use and a hot water bottle so he is cosy. I don't let him watch TV in his room.
He will sometimes lie in bed and toss and turn or he will sometimes scream and cry with frustration. And he will think he needs the toilet and will be up and down for the toilet several times.
Sometimes I have given him piriton to try to help him drift off, which my ex found out about and he has threatened me to not use it again.
I'm thinking about temporarily putting him in with his elder sister, and the little sister going in his room, as he seems to settle better with someone in there with me.
Not sure what to do. It is affecting my relationship with him even more than it was.
Last night was an early one and he was asleep by 9!! But quite often he is awake at 10pm. He is getting more and more panicked and will cry and it breaks my heart.
Any suggestions? Thanks for reading xxx

So much food for thought on this thread and you are all fantastic. I already feel less stressed and less alone because of this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart xxxx you've made my day better and I feel like I can actually do something productive to help my son now x

I have a really thick and stupid ragdoll cat who loves his room. I have to turf her out at bedtime. That's a good idea - I could let her sleep with him? And I can remove her when he is asleep as I know she will probably start to meow and want to leave the room at 3 in the morning!! And him being in with me, just for a few nights to settle his routine back down? I know this type of shit is frowned on but maybe worth it for a night or two. My worry would be that it would kick off when he's back by himself xx a torch is also an awesome idea. I did not think about any of this. I think once the pressure of sleep is off, he will sleep xx

My son loves football and being active. I am gonna take him to the park after school for an hour by himself as my littlest girl has an after school club xx

Literally came here to write exactly the same post! You have my sympathy, exactly the same for me. My DD is nearly 7 & for the past week I’ve dreaded bedtime & admit to getting frustrated at ‘what if I can’t get to sleep’ then I sit with her & reassure her I’ll sit until she falls asleep then she’s tossing & turning saying I can’t get to sleep in a whiny, so inside I’m thinking well you won’t because you’re telling yourself you won’t! She wants me to say get in my bed. She also finds all the negative historic events to focus on (such a thing happened in Y1 etc). Her mind just gets so busy if bad stuff at bedtime.

this is what I tried last night. Put some relaxing music on, putting batteries in all her nicely lights (fairy lights, dream catcher, projector) made it super cosy. I then did a reward chart & told her if she stays in her bed for the next 4 nights, she gets to have something out of the vending machine at swimming & a movie & treats night on Friday. I also made an effort to not let her see me frustrated (even though I massively was!) I just kept saying try & relax & I will just sit here & relax with you & eventually she dropped off. Then I gave lots of praise this morning.

You poor things! My DS also struggles with sleep but doesn’t seem as distressed as yours. We find the Calm app really helpful. Here’sa link for a free trial if you’d like you give it a go? After the trial, the free version is a very limited version with much less choice but would still be potentially helpful - the app is about £70 a year for the full version.

I’ve been using a meditation and sleep app called Calm and I think you’d like it, too. Check it out: www.calm.com/gp/e2jg9m

If you get a library ticket (which is free) from your local library you can use this to download the Borrow Box app onto your phone and can choose audiobooks free from there. He could have your phone by his bed to listen to a story of his choice, or you could Bluetooth it to a speaker in his room.

I think (might want to add this to your googling!) you just turn on bluetooth on your phone and then say 'Alexa connect to my phone' and the alexa will go in to pairing mode. You should then be able to see the alexa as a bluetooth device on your phone then and connect? Once you've done it, Alexa and your phone will remember so it's easier to do again. Then whatever you play on your phone will come out of the alexa.

Also looks like there is some free content available via audible www.audible.co.uk/ep/alexa-free-audiobook - Wind in the Willows is a great story - especially if he loves animals.

Omg yes, this could be me. There are so many helpful suggestions on here you could try here also? I hadn't even thought of a reward chart.
Yep - same as me! I say to him, you have decided you won't be able to sleep, but he doesn't see it that way, and it annoys me and some nights I end up just begging him to sleep. I end up tense and frustrated and on tenterhooks trying to get things sorted for the following day downstairs and waiting for him to start shouting and kicking his bedroom walls xx

@Notjusta he would LOVE Wind in the Willows. This is my job for today. To pair my phone. And get him the wind in the willows. I feel better knowing I will have something productive to do while I am off work and before I pick them up from school xx

@GabrielAgreste thank you for this! Great idea. And I will give it a go xx

@Mischance so much stuff I had no awareness off. And while I am off work I can get to the library and do this. It's not far from here. Xx
My kids are with their dad Thursday and Friday as it's their dad bday on Friday so will give me some time to sort all this out. I will let you know how I get on <3 xx

Re the co-sleeping, I did wonder about me sleeping with him in his bed to avoid the kicking off when it stops, but my bed is bigger and cosier so we're doing that...and to hell with what anyone thinks about it, it works for us and he won't be doing it when he's a teenager (and I'll probably miss it!)

This may not help but when I had heaps of trouble getting to sleep when I had a baby it was because my mind was going into overdrive

So I sorted things in my head and filed them away, I have heard it mentioned like putting your worries in a jar and closing the lid

Not sure it will help a child

There is also the military sleep method

www.dreams.co.uk/sleep-matters-club/what-is-the-military-sleep-method

Check suitability for children though

It’s so stressful & frustrating isn’t it, I feel for you. As an adult, I’m like keep still & stop telling yourself you won’t sleep & stop all the what if’s but I tried so so hard last night to be patient & understanding. Then I can’t sleep because i’m wound up but trying to show I’m not!

I’ve picked up lots for f tips from this post.

@Jomummy1013 I may have accidentally hit on another solution - it's working perfectly here for the moment, at least!

I have given DS a hot water bottle wrapped in a towel and he cuddles it, it was by his feet as you'd expect, but he picked it up and wanted it next to him, and the warmth seems to soothe him as the last few nights he has dropped off within moments of me tucking him in. After months of him lying awake waiting for me to go up, this is something of a miracle, so I'm hoping it'll last...and we may be having hot water bottles in July :)

@Peach2021 yep I have started giving my son a hot water bottle too! For now, what seems to work..:
Lavender spray, which he has on his pillow, his hot water bottle and his feet.
Some fairy lights on in his room.
He seems to like rain sounds on his Alexa.
He sometimes has an audible story - Wind in the Willows or the Animals of Farthing wood.
I always have to check behind his curtains before he sleeps as he gets worried. Luckily I live in a quiet area with no real noise or drama 😂
He would be embarrassed me mentioning this but he was always a thumb sucker since being a baby and when he is asleep the thumb still goes in, but only when he sleeps. So with the lavender, fairy lights, rain sounds, maybe an audible or a book, a cuddle, reassurance and his thumb, we seem to have turned a corner. For now.
It was making me so anxious worrying about it every night. He has gone straight off last two nights, he did call his dad last night as he was missing him and that helped him settle. I am trying so hard to improve my relationship with him too but this evening he was rude and told me to shut up when I said his dinner was ready so I just threw it in the bin and he ended up with a toastie. We clash but him sleeping a little better is helping xx

Thank you all so much for all the suggestions. I have taken so many helpful tips from this thread. You're all amazing, thank you. I'm fairly recent to Mumsnet and I just find it so brilliant and never on my own x