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Parenting

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Original poster

Will my partner hate our new baby?

23 replies

BecseC · 15/01/2023 14:29

So we have just fallen pregnant with our second baby.. however my partner is not happy about it as he says he was completely content with just one..
he also said I convinced him for the first one which was not the case as we had had many discussions and always said he would like one one day..
He keeps asking me if I'm keeping it, and he is worried he would despise the new baby because he never wanted it.
I hate the thought of terminating but I also don't want it to be brought up in a hateful household if he's going to be bitter.
He's not a nasty man so I dont know what to do.
Has anyone else's partners been like this with baby number 2?
Please help 🙏😞

OP posts:

GotAnyGrapez · 15/01/2023 14:31

DH didn't want our second child, he was born and slowly bit by bit they bonded it took 3 years to completely bond.

So no I don't think he'll hate your baby, but you must be patient and not expect a miracle over night.

LaLuz7 · 15/01/2023 14:34

What were the circumstances around this conception? Were you using contraception? Was it an accidentally on purpose type of oopsie? Was he using condoms?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 14:35

Were both accidents? Or “accidents”? Because you knew he didn’t want either of them? Was he using condoms? Who can say how he’ll feel about the baby but it seems clear he’s not keen on you and doesn’t trust you. If he leaves you are you up for being a single parent?

If you don’t want to terminate the pregnancy no can make you, no one should try, it’s entirely up to you. But I’d have my eyes open to what life could be like with an angry resentful partner, your relationship doesn’t sound very healthy or happy.

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Celeryfavour · 15/01/2023 14:37

You say he's not nasty, but he's gaslighting you!

VivaVivaa · 15/01/2023 14:37

He probably should have been wearing a condom if he was so sure he didn’t want a second baby…but I suppose your predicament boils down to what would give you more resentment? Potentially being a single parent to 2 children if he decides to walk…or staying as a family unit but having a termination?

TrodOnLegoAgain · 15/01/2023 14:37

How did you get pregnant if he didn't want a baby?

Would you consider being a single mum if he didn't come round to the new baby?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2023 14:38

Celeryfavour · 15/01/2023 14:37

You say he's not nasty, but he's gaslighting you!

Once again, not what gaslighting is at all. It’s not a synonym for being a twat.

TabithaTittlemouse · 15/01/2023 14:39

It sounds like an awful relationship to bring a child into.

gamerchick · 15/01/2023 14:40

If he didn't want a baby then how are you pregnant? He needs to think of that sort of stuff if he doesn't want to get a woman pregnant.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:41

He is nasty. In fact, I'd go so far as to say he is VILE.

BertaHoon · 15/01/2023 14:41

The most important question is - do you want this baby?

Everything comes second to that.

Justcallmebebes · 15/01/2023 14:41

Celeryfavour · 15/01/2023 14:37

You say he's not nasty, but he's gaslighting you!

This is not gas lighting. Not even close

UWhatNow · 15/01/2023 14:42

Neither of you sound very responsible tbh. But seeing as how you have ‘just fallen’ pregnant it’s tough shit - he is just going to have to man up isn’t he?

Bestcatmum · 15/01/2023 14:44

"We" haven't become pregnant. Only women can become pregnant. You say he isn't a nasty man but what do you call this kind of behaviour. It certainly isn't kind and loving.
He is also leaving the decision to keep or terminate entirely to you because he doesn't want to make it while threatening to hate your baby.
If I was in this position I would terminate the pregnancy and leave him.
But if you are not prepared to do this then you tell him that the decision to terminate is 100% up to him and the ball is 100% in his court.

Dacadactyl · 15/01/2023 14:47

I wouldn't terminate. I'd leave him though.

mistahclarke · 15/01/2023 14:48

In all honesty, I wasn't a fan of my second born child in the first 6 months mainly as he cried a lot with colic and work was very stressful at the time. Other dads have admitted the same to me discretely before and after and it wouldn't surprise me if it's the common attitude.

Because it does disrupt your life, the older sibling gets less attention so causes jealousy. When he was crying constantly, it did feel like he had interrupted our perfect little life we had.

But soon as they grow out of that stage and the personality shines through, it all changes. This can also be the case for men for the first child too. Mothers bond with their babies in the womb, fathers don't have that. It's not even "real" until they are in your arms.

StickofVeg · 15/01/2023 15:07

No one knows, but probably he won't hate the baby - that's a very strong word. But he will probably not like everything that comes with a baby (disruption, lack of sleep, lack of attention on him). And he'll leave everything to you, when you raise that with him he'll throw the whole "but I didn't want a baby you chose to keep it" back at you. I'd terminate and leave him anyway.

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 11:08

Hey I'm just wondering what the outcome has been for you? having a very VERY similar experience! I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It's been hell.

Tina8800 · 18/09/2023 11:20

I am shocked by how he can even consider terminating a baby after having and loving one.
If it's about health or financial reasons I might understand, but based on "he doesn't want it", it is unacceptable!
You need to think about what you want! I would keep the baby and if he doesn't come around: show him where the door is.
If you can't do it alone, you need to consider all of your options and see where else you can get help.

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 11:24

All of these comments saying "I would terminate and leave him". Until you're in that situation, you honestly have no idea. It's crippling and borderline emotionally abusive. Yet, we are trapped due to not wanting our first borns to grow up in a broken home and it god forbid it ever came out that it was "because of" the second one. It's a rock and a hard place.

fearfuloffluff · 18/09/2023 11:31

Uh. So was it a deliberate decision to conceive? Did you deceive him about being on the pill etc?

If he didn't want a baby, he should have ensured you used contraception. I can't imagine ever saying you might 'despise' a baby. Resent, feel unsure about, feel disconnected from yes - despise is a weird thing to say.

Don't have an abortion you don't want. If that means chucking this partner (sounds like he's not 100% committed anyway tbh) then so be it.

I suspect if you decided to terminate, the partner would naff off at some points to play video games in his pants because family life is too tough, so you'd be forever regretting terminating in order to save the relationship.

MoodyMum94 · 18/09/2023 11:36

Reading Fearfuloffluff's comment I am beginning to wonder if men are all infact the same because damn that last paragraph is accurate

Goodornot · 18/09/2023 11:39

Celeryfavour · 15/01/2023 14:37

You say he's not nasty, but he's gaslighting you!

Gaslighting ?! That's when you manipulate reality to suit yourself. Present a false set of circumstances as reality etc.

When did this man ever unequivocally say- I want a baby, let's try for one?

Not even with the first let alone the second by the sound of it.

He's not very nice but he isn't gaslighting.

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