Co parenting advice needed please!

[Narwhalelife]

Me and exDP have DD 13. We split in 2021, he moved out spring 2022. DD took the split well, she knew we were not getting on, no drama no infidelity or abuse or anything jt just wasn’t working for us anymore.

I am main earner so I stayed in the house and DD with me and ExDP would have her whenever he wanted usually 1-2 nights per week, and pays maintenance, can’t fault him as a dad, he lives with a family member so I know he is supported with the mundane areas of parenting such as washing uniform and cooking and he Disney dad’s a bit but on the whole it worked well.

DD has a phone and tbh most of the arrangements of when she would stay with him is done between the two, so far no real issues.

I met someone in September 2022 and things are going well, he works and has a child too.
We can only see each other when we are both not working or have the children, which isn’t a lot as I work random shifts and he a lot too etc.

Here’s the issue, ExDP doesn’t like to be asked if he can have DD he has been used to saying when is convenient for him (he works random shifts too) so sometimes the 1-2 nights he has her means I still can’t see new bf, for the past 4 months I’ve just explained this to new bf and he is accepting but as things are progressing with us we want to start to make some plans, go away for a night etc

He invited me to a thing next Sunday so I messaged DD who is with her dad to see if she can stay with her dad next Sunday night and immediately I’m trying to get rid of her, had ExDP texting saying I’m stressing DD out and clearly he is the only one that actually wants to see her.

Why do I have to be made to feel guilty for one day to do something I would like? Is this the reality of being the parent with care? That actually as long as you just work and look after your child it’s ok but as soon as you dare to want something nice for yourself actually you can’t?

Am I being unreasonable to take a bit of control and say, you need to go these days or even find alternative childcare if I want to go out, we do have a couple of family members that would have DD but she (typical teenager) turns her nose up at that so Iv never pushed it.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I work hard in a stressful job, I keep the house going, provide everything DD needs including taxi to social life and having friends here, nice food, I indulge her hobbies - all parenting I know, but I’m being made to feel like the one night a week I want to do something I’m an awful neglectful mother who only cares about herself 😔

Please advise?!

I think you should have messaged your ex rather than DD about that night, she’s too young for ‘i want to see my boyfriend, can you not be around that night please’ which is what it amounts to, and what a teenager absolutely makes of it. I no it’s hard as a lone parent trying to rebuild but you still need to be sensitive.

Am I being unreasonable to take a bit of control and say, you need to go these days or even find alternative childcare if I want to go out,

And sadly, realistically, yes I think that’s not reasonable, it should be, but ultimately you can’t force him to have her. And it’s not fair on her feeling like nobody wants her either. Ultimately if it ends uk serious and you want to introduce the new guy to DD she will probably already hate him as she will feel pushed out. Sorry OP just providing my honest opinion on it.

@Coffeellama i appreciate the reply. DD is aware of bf although never met him. I never say that to her, I just said can one of your nights with dad be Sunday but as you say the teenager in her will likely know why.

I never want her to feel unwanted and I make sure we have quality time together, But then trying to fit in with the things she wants to do is also difficult at times.

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable in the sense that this has been a big change for everyone and it's been working well, but now you've got a new boyfriend you want to change the system (moving from ad hoc to set days). It is unreasonable to expect two other people to fundamentally shift their arrangement to accommodate your boyfriend. PP is correct that you should have asked your ex directly and not gone via a 13 year old. She probably was stressed out having to essentially organise her own childcare!

BUT you're obviously not unreasonable to want one night away/to do something for yourself. You need to work it differently. Say to DD 'I'm going to X with X, would you prefer to stay at your Dad's or with Aunty Sue?' and that's it. She can choose, but you are going.

Also bear in mind that whilst she might have coped well with her parents living separately the idea of Mum going on a romantic weekend with her new boyfriend is going to be both horrific and quite troubling for a teenager!!