What is wrong with me!!

[yyy1]

I have a 13mo ds

when he was 8months old I had a termination. I feel awful saying this out loud

At this point I was terrified at how my mental health would be if I had children that close in age. We’d not be able to afford anything due to having to put them both in nursery or me having to go part time/SAHM. We don’t have much help family wise. Me and my partner who is DS’ dad had just gotten our relationship back on track.

now I look and I regret it. I feel stronger and realise I could’ve done it. I am stronger than I thought at that time of my life and how amazing would it have been for DS to have a sibling close to him.

I feel so guilty for these thoughts. I started getting ‘broody’ around his 1st birthday and the guilt is eating me alive

that and since he has turned one I have just felt so empowered and realised how I am resilient.

Don't feel guilty for those thoughts, you did what you thought was best at the time and it was a completely understandable decision. I have a 5 month old DS and if I became pregnant I would be in the same predicament you were in! Not just financially but I'm not sure my mental health would be able to cope with another baby just yet. You didn't know that your feelings would change and you would feel like you actually could have managed with two. You can still have another baby and they will be close in age, I think 3/4 years apart is a good age and siblings can still bond. But give yourself a break about the termination

You have just said yourself you are resilient so you will get through this. Yes you feel bad and those feelings are valid and hindsight its all fine and dandy but at the time you were not capable. What if you had gone through the pregnancy things may of taken a turn for the worse and you wouldn't be here today feeling resilient you may be a broken woman. You did what was best at the time for you and your family, sounds to me like you acted as a true mother.

We can only make decisions on the information available at the time and on how we feel. Please don't beat yourself up about this. You've said yourself that you only recently got your relationship back on track. It would have been a huge strain on your relationship having 2 under 18 months.