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Parenting

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Teenage daughter - HELP!

3 replies

GraceLilly2016 · 14/01/2023 09:04

me & ex split 9 years ago amicable breakup …. we have a 13 nearly 14 old daughter who spends time 50\50 which has always gone well, me & ex have very different patenting styles, me being the disciplinarian, him being “fun” which has caused a little friction in the past.

Recently my daughters behaviour has taken a turn for the worse - she’s always been a well behaved child with adverage grades, now it is detention every week & poor performance in class.

Her behaviour towards me has also changed, she is snappy, rude, disrespectful & is lying a lot about anything & everything …. however, when i try to implement punishment & rules she goes straight from school to her Dad’s house to “escape” punishment & ignores my phone calls & texts.

Instead of ex supporting me in discipline & encouraging her to come home to “face the music” he says “it’s between you 2 nothing to do with me” .. very unhelpful, he also does 0 dicipline yet complains about the same behaviours i do?

it was supposed to be my day yesterday she did not come she said she had a “headache” & wanted to go to Dads to “rest” instead she brought a friend to Dad’s to spend the night knowing i wouldn’t allow this due to her bad behaviour & 2 detentions this week! I told her Dad & he just said “well she’s here now” (on about friend & daughter) no encouragement at all or punishment for lying to me. he lets her stay up all hours & also has bought her alcohol in the past without my consent or anything!!

What do i do here? i feel i’m painted as bad guy & he’s good cop & my daughter seems to be getting worse …

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 14/01/2023 09:08

I had this, not to this level and my son is now fully with me because children need boundaries to feel safe.
hopefully things will spill over with dad and he won’t be able to deal with it and will send daughter back to you?
the other worry is she spends more and more time there and goes completely off the rails, and I don’t know what to suggest there other than keeping good comms open with your daughter

theRig · 14/01/2023 10:21

14 is a tricky age where they are not legally to decide they do have a strong say and if you are against them it makes matters worse
Unfortunately if you say went to court for a child arrangements order the judge wouldn't look at an application for around 14-15 even though the age is 16 yrs ( I work in this role so have seen lots of this around this age )

Try and communicate with her and let her know you are with her not against is the best advice op x

theRig · 14/01/2023 10:26

This ' my day dads day ' prob best to not think like that from now on op unfortunately- Just let her know that you're there kind of thing

Hard to advise that and I'm not in this position but soon to be in a couple of years as I have an 11 yr old but only goes to her dads every other weekend - sure in a few years it will be more ( I'm the more strict parent ) when she realises my rules are more strict than her dads. He's so laid back. If you change your expectation it will help you come to terms with it

Whilst I've seen similar situations like this
I've never seen good outcomes when things aren't changed
So basically child spends most/ if not all their time at dads sadly

Only positives I've seen is when it takes a good few years and then they see your point but by this time they could have left home sadly

Sorry op but that's the reality and I've seen it time after time at this age ( especially when nearer 15 than just turning 14 ) when is she 15? X

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