Newborn Visitation schedule with Ex.

[Lzppo]

I am only 23 yrs and live at home with parents. Im nearly 34 weeks and I need advice regarding the visitation schedule for a newborn. I am not UK based but the country beside it. Me and the Ex broke up when I was 9 weeks, he is overly invested and wants constant updates (even when there is nothing to update him on.)

I have no issue with him having a relationship with the child when it arrives. But he doesn't seem to understand that we are no longer an item and with that I have tried to set boundaries for myself during this pregnancy.

I am aware that I am within my rights to body privacy when it comes to medical appointments/ scans and the delivery. I have gotten legal advice when it comes to the stance on surnames, access and visitation. I have told him that he was not coming into the delivery and that a relative was going to be there. I don't want the stress of him there and I have a medical issue that could cause complications at delivery. This thought hasn't come into his head only that he has to the be the first to hold the baby.

My question is what is a typical newborn visitation schedule like for the first 6 weeks. I know he is going to make issue who drives me home from the hospital and how many hours he will be there on the first day. Is it reasonable to get him to call every second day for two hours where he exclusively spends time with the child. He will be on paternal leave for two weeks and I feel like he will overwhelm me for the first two weeks. Should I start as I mean to go, and structure the visitation so that boundaries are set from the beginning.

Really want to keep things civil. I do realise that he is father and will be acknowledged but I'm really struggling with a plan for visitation.

Help please! xx

Any input would be greatly appreciated. xx

Christ he does seem over invested and controlling. I get he’s excited, but he’s got to realise you aren’t together. You do need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Hopefully it’ll calm down after the first two weeks.

I think I’d do twice a day for those first two weeks, for an hour each time. Then once a day after that for the first 6 weeks. He is going to have to be flexible in those times in that you may need to take the baby out if the room if you don’t want to feed in front of him for example. Try so that he actually gets a hour if you do that.

In your situation I'd write to him saying you have no intention of restarting the relationship and that's out of the question, in case he's thinking you'll change your mind.

And that his constant questioning and pushing is too much. And that you should find a way that both of you are comfortable with, so he can play a part in the baby's life but you need to play this by ear.

I don't think a visitation plan right now is wise, you don't know how the birth will go or what state you'll be in, you might be in hospital for a while, you might be really weepy and not want anyone around, you might feel great and be up for celebrating your baby with him. You might have a c-section and be glad of someone to help.

I'd tell him what you're comfortable with (eg you'll say when baby is born, he can come to see for an hour or two, probably the same amount of time each day but you'll need to see how it goes.

He doesn't get to 'make an issue' of things, you say how it will be and refuse to discuss further eg with coming home from hospital. Early days with the baby are about your recovery, learning to take care of the baby, establishing feeding etc - he's in the mix but definitely doesn't take priority.

You’re going to have to be strict OP, those early days are hard. You don’t want him there making it harder.

The only thing baby will want is you, so there’s no point him hanging around for hours on end or attempting to take baby out on his own or anything like that. Baby will just want to be with you.

As pp says, I wouldn’t set an official schedule as you just don’t know how you will feel or what needs you will have post birth. I would put it in writing that you want him to have a relationship with baby and will obviously facilitate that but he’s overwhelming you and it would be better to play it by ear depending on what baby needs however you feel that an hour twice a day or every other day would work for the first couple of weeks.

If he has any notions of having baby overnight any time soon you need to set him straight on that too!

I think your proposal is good. As a social worker if thinking about contact for a parent with. Newborn in foster care we would probably aim for every other day for 1.5 hours. Obviously those babies can't be breastfed generally speaking so that isn't a consideration but if you are BF you'll have to be able to take baby to feed if necessary during that time, but otherwise I would offer him a space in your house (if you can bear it) and clear off to another area for the time he's there. If your parents can be around to support him if needed that would be great, but of course if you can stand to you can also be in the area and help if he needs it.
any more than that would be excessive I think and not in baby's interests.

Yea be strict. Once it seems he knows what he's doing then use the time to have a shower or get some food cooking for yourself. Make sure you set and keep boundaries, and use the time well to your advantage. If your baby needs a feed when he's there then get him to do stuff for you like pop to the shops for things, so he's not bothering you whilst bf, if you're bottle feeding then he can cope doing that anyway. Good luck but just keep boundaries for your time and your personal space

No specific experience of your situation but I agree with the others about not being too rigid about the schedule at the beginning. If you plan to breastfeed it can take up a lot of your time at the beginning getting it established and newborns feed every 2 hr ish so there is rarely much time between feeds at the beginning. It’s not always easy breastfeeding and if you want to spend lots of time skin to skin with baby you probably won’t want him around. Would also avoid having him round while you are feeling particularly emotional with the ‘baby blues’ unless him taking the baby is actually helping you but sounds like you might have support of your parents already.

Thank you all so much for your advice, it means so much. I have great support from family but it's his constant need for updates and control that stresses me. I have a few weeks left and I will be maintaining my distance. Is it selfish of me only contacting him after I've had the child (i mean a few hours later)?

If you are not married, you don't have to put him on the birth cert. I didn't put my ex on the birth certificate, just in case I needed to stop him seeing dd for whatever reason. As it turned out, there was no problem of that type. He wasn't a brilliant father but, now she is an adult, they still have a relationship

I'm happy for him to have a relationship and access. I'm acknowledging him. I get the impression that he thinks he's being hard down by just because I'm not bending to his will on everything. I think him thought I'd just give in to his every need.

I have never been one for drama but my ex bd is something else. He is demanding we meet to arrange things. Oh no I will not summoned. Constant messages and saying that he wants to be there for me and his baby. When I tell him yes you will be there for the baby when it arrives. No he wants to be there for me in the middle of the night, I have told him since I'm blue in the face that we are not together anymore. And I don't want to be.