Crisis of parenting confidence: Have I done everything wrong and spoilt DD for ever?

[mamadoc]

DD is 9mo and my pfb but she does nothing that she is 'supposed' to do.
She does not sleep, she does not eat, she does not move, hell she doesn't even grow.
I am constantly being told by family, other mums and even a childless friend who admitted he gets all his info from supernanny that this is all my fault for breastfeeding on demand, not leaving her to cry and picking her up too much.
I am starting to believe now that they are right and I am wrong but I don't really know how to do things any other way.
I am going back to work pt next week and I'm honestly thinking that perhaps I should have gone back ft 3 months ago and left DD with childminder where she happily takes long naps and eats all her food.
I really feel such a failure. I have avoided going to an nct meet up today as I just can't face the comparisons. Can anyone help me feel better/show me a way forward please?

onebatmother I do feel under pressure sometimes to do more 'worthwhile' stuff with her. Somehow justify having time away from work or something.

toby and tilly I am glad that we are not the only ones failing to conform!

it can be very dull I think mamadoc, one starts to hear ones own voice echoing inside one's head. Just being is fine.

In many ways I have a more relaxed relationship with slightly neglected dd (I was tired, coping alone much of the time, had 2 kids) than with DS who had my full and rather intense (read 'slighly neurotic') attention.

And, if you are a slightly over-achievey mother like I was, you should know that they are both very bright despite developing at different rates. DS was talking at 10 months, DD has been dramatically slower, but I can see that by 3 she will be on the same vocab level for age iyswim.

I know it's crap to angst about those things, but if you are of a certain temperament oneself it's hard not to.

'Relax' is easier said than done, but I am a different person these days. Good luck!

cherryred you're probably right that her weight has a lot to do with my confidence crisis. We had a tough start with her in SCBU so I was never the most confident but I had started to feel better and then her falling off the chart and GP and HV being so concerned made me doubt myself again.
it is all very tied up because I know people say she shouldn't need to feed at night at her age but I feel perhaps she genuinely still does.

DH and I have talked about CC but I feel as though DD has enough to cope with with me going back to work at the moment so that's my excuse for not doing it for now.

This may not help at all, but I just stopped going to have ds weighed altogether. He had lots of wet and dirty nappies, was alert, happy, and I knew he was growing because he no longer would fit in a certain size of clothes. I am not suggesting that this is the approach that everyone should take, but my point is this: as first time mums there is advice (much of it contradictory) coming at you from literally everywhere - what you should be doing, what you shouldn't be doing, what your baby should be doing etc etc.

We have babies later than previous generations and often come from small families where our exposure to small children was very limited until we had our own.

Therefore, we lose sight of a very important aspect of parenting: instinct. You know your baby better than any manual, doctor, hv, friend, or other mother.

Which of the problems that you have identified are problems that YOU have noticed and which are ones that society is putting on you? You need to decide how you want to raise your child, taking account of information available to you about best practice, but not basing it on this.

Imagine if when you met your partner/spouse you had to first read countless manuals and listen to EVERY single person's opinion before you decided whether or not you should move forward, what you should eat, how you should talk to him/her, how much sex you should have, etc etc. In some cases the advice might be helpful or good, but alot of what you would hear would be irrelevant and possibly damaging.

It is not exactly the same, but there is an element that is similar - it is worthwhile listening to some advice, but you can't realistically live by it and also some of it is uninformed, misguided and not applicable to your particular relationship.

In a very roundabout way, what I am saying is you owe it to yourself to trust your judgement - make changes if you think that that IS the best way forward, but accept that your child is an individual and will NEVER do things exactly the way someone elses baby or the textbook baby does.

I meant you can't realistically live by it all, all of the time.

I just wanted to say that I'm sure you're doing a great job.

My lo is older than yours and still doesn't crawl or want to put her weight on her feet or do anything other than sit on her bum tbh . I get allsorts of comments about why she's not doing those things...but tbh I just think she'll do it in her own time (my sister's dd didn't crawl at all and didn't walk until she was 2 and there was nothing wrong with her...they spent lots of time seeing specialists who couldn't find anything wrong)

As for her weight, my lo is small and I've had hassle from the HV to give her more food. All I do is say ok and smile, then stick my fingers up when she's out of the way . In fact I've stopped having her weighed cos my HV talks a load of crap (loved her suggestion of wake her in the middle of the night for an extra bottle ).

Oh and when I go to baby groups if I get any comments about her not doing much I use the reply "Oh I think it's great she's not crawling, I can sit having a lovely cup of tea while watching her play by herself on the floor."

I don't think I could just stop getting her weighed without saying anything- far too polite/reticent/non-confrontational but since I have to go again on Friday I was thinking of just saying that I find it unhelpful and could we just stop since it isn't changing anything.

Not moving is definitely only a problem because others say so. Not growing/eating well it is horrible and frustrating to have all your carefully prepared food refused but actually I was OK about DDs eating until I saw how much food friends babies would polish off compared to her.

Not sleeping- it doesn't bother me getting up to feed her in the night once or twice as long as she goes back to sleep again. The new development of not going back to sleep I do find a problem. I think I am going to try to sell to dh her coming in with us after 1st wake up but really I would be more comfortable if she slept in her own cot. I don't mind her being with us temporarily but not for the long term. (I could never tell my mum she would be horrified!)

Hv will make you feel that you have no choice re getting her weighed (at least mine did). it left me feeling I had no choice with every aspect of childcare and even now I can't make a decision without a million opinions first.

Trust your instincts, feeding on demand is the best thing you can do for your baby. You could try offering solid food before a breast feed rather than totally seperate. You don't have to feed at set times, babies tummies are so small that they can't take enough food in 3 meals anyway.

Does she like finger foods, just let her sit with bread sticks and raisens etc all day if you like. They get so few calories from food and so many from your milk that milk should be the main part of their diet anyway.

I wish I could say something to assure you you are doing the right things.
My dds were weighed so regularly that the HV was so worried but never actually offered me any advice re weight gain other than give more high calorie food. I was actually told to give dd cream and tons of dairy, turns out she was lactose intolerant. So they don't always know, I am not saying don't trust thejm they have a lot of experience but ask for more constructive advice.

Maybe ask to be refered to a dietician if you are really struggling.

I think undermining a parents confidence and then leaving them with no support is very dangerous.

You do also sound like you could be a little bit depressed, do you get any time to yourself when you are not thinking about this stuff?

I stopped going too mamadoc.
They are awful on the whole, I think, just semi-trained parrots with no judgment of their own, and no in-depth medical knowledge at all.
Eg. I was told v firmly to begin solids at 4 months when i knew (because i'd, you know, done a bit of reading about it) that the WHO were already recommending 6 months.

Snap! DDs other problem is that she has a cows milk protein allergy so can't have a lot of high calorie stuff eg cheese, cream. She also can't have formula milk so I don't have the option of giving a bottle even if I wanted to. (She has EBM in a cup at childminders)

She will play with finger food especially bread, dried apricots and peas/sweetcorn/tiny pasta which she painstakingly picks up one by one but of course it takes forever to consume any decent amount.

I am hoping that I will actually feel better when I go back to work. At least that was something I was good at although I may have forgotten it all by now. I can even manage to feel bad about not feeling bad about going back to work IYKWIM but I really trust the childminder and DD seems as happy with her as with me if not more so.

get baking, you can make some really high calorie biscuits using pure marg, and babies naturally prefer sweet things, and no you are not spoiling or 'making a rod for your own back' (I heard that a lot).
Organix Goodies also do some lovely dairy free finger foods, including pretend crisps (crispd but with none of the crap).
As a mum you just feel guilty about everything, trust me that will never go away. Just remember you have a lot to deal with and babies are a real humbling shock to the system, espevcially if you are used to being in control.
I remember when I was pregnant my friend said just thing of it like a plant, well I have never managed to make a plant grow and I am not that much better at making dc grow.
You think you will know what to do and you probably do if you can get rid of all the voices questioning you.
make a list, really of everything you do well, what kind of a parent you want to be, how you can be that parent, it really works (well it did for me).

Thanks cherry and everyone. I am going to go and blow my nose, have some lunch and start making that list!

Woahhh! Just read your OP. STOP being so HARD on yourself, woman! She is NINE months old. She is still so small and it is all still so new and overwhelming. Honestly, no first time parent 'gets it right' and the ones who pretend everything is always perfect are LIARS. Try to relax and enjoy your little girl.

Yes, mamadoc, MrsMattie is totally right. Please don't go back to work thinking you are a failure - that feeling needs to be dealt with, or will continue and will infect everything.

Your daughter, I will stake my life, is not happier at CMs. You (and your breasts..) are her comfort and joy.

If she is cheerful and smiley, then she is very happy. Aside from making sure she is offered food, is clean and dry, that is the only thing a mother can do - and you've done it. Please - try and feel proud.

I just wanted to reassure you - my dd wasn't crawling or shuffling or pulling up or anything at 9 months. She's been "late" to do everything. She is now 15 months and walking no problem. It just happened very quickly at 14 months. She never really crawled (and I don't blame her - have you tried crawling? It's really uncomfortable!!!)

I can't share on the eating thing other than to say that my dd is always on the top centile - she loves her food. And they worry about the top just as much as the bottom...the HV told me she was eating too much. I ignored her. You should ignore her too. Just as you can't forcefeed your dd, I can't stop my dd eating what she wants (and it's all healthy anyway). I think you can safely ignore centile charts. I really don't get the point of them - your dd is happy and smiley so that says she's healthy and eating enough for her at the moment.

The one thing I wish someone had told me is that babies really can't do much! I had all sorts of expectations (exacerbated by ridiculous women who basically exaggerate what their child can do - such as the women who told me that her 15mo burst into tears at the end of a book because it was so moving...)

I am still guilty of wishing my child could do more (like talking) but I think I'm calming down more and realising it'll all come out in the wash and by the time your dd is at school, none of this will be an issue.

I would say that breastfeeding on demand and picking her up when she cries is the very best start you could have given her. If she isn't growing and eating, maybe chat with your health visitor (is she having milk just before mealtimes). Ditto the not moving.