Feel I'm no good at this...how do I change my mindset?

[Everywhereyougothereyouare]

Second baby and we're wondering why on earth we did this. Neither of us like the baby stage at all, and I am starting to think I'm just not cut out for it.

I know everything we're going through is 'normal' (well, for a reflux baby, anyway) but it's so so hard. I know it won't last forever but in the moment, I am knackered and miserable and wishing the time away. Hating the unpredictable nights, the screaming trying to put baby down to sleep, dragging myself out the house every day for a sling nap, being a crap parent to my older child, feeling so tired all the time.

I know others struggle too... Is there anything you did that helped you cope better? I really wanted to try to enjoy this if I could but it's proving very hard.

I have no advice but I'm in exactly the same situation with my second. Hate the newborn stage, convinced myself it would be easier second time round as I knew what to expect. I feel just as clueless as the first time round!! Baby won't sleep except on someone and pukes as soon as she's laid down.

My eldest is old enough to tell us they feel left out and feel second place 😭 so I feel torn in two sometimes.

I'm also wishing the weeks and months away!

@EdwardianDream it's so crap isn't it! Older one is acting out and I haven't the resources to properly attend to them because I'm so goddamn tired. My LO also struggles to sleep when not on someone, and exactly like you we feel totally clueless and like we've forgotten everything. We keep trying to remember what we did with our first - as if we have a fecking clue back then! No point comparing anyway as two totally different babies.

I am trying to calm myself down and not stress out during the awful bedtimes but it always feels like the world is ending. And after all that, they just wake 30mins later anyway...

Keeping my sights on 6 months when I hope things will be better. How old is your second?

She's 6 weeks, and oldest is 6 so at least has some understanding that I can't do two things at once and someone always has to wait! Plus she is generally very helpful and always willing to hold baby for a minute or two.

How old are yours?

Ah, I have often wondered if it would be easier if my eldest were older...mine are 11w and 2.5y. My eldest is struggling a bit I think. I have so much help fro my partner but I'm still finding it really hard. I'm fixated on 3m being a turning point but, having been through it before, I know it won't be!

21mo age gap. Youngest is 1 and it’s far easier now.

Not easy, not smooth, but far less bad than it was! More good moments and more sleep.

Hey @Everywhereyougothereyouare , yep we are in the same position. It’s so hard isn’t it. Our DS is nearly 5 and our life was so (comparatively) easy and lovely…it feels like we’ve chucked a grenade into it. None of us are having much fun! Baby (12w) will only calm for her dad in the afternoons so he ends up walking around with her napping on him for the last naps of the day, otherwise she cries and cries on me (unless I’m feeding her of course - feeds don’t always align with when she needs to sleep).

To cope on the hard days, I’m looking back through photos of my first when he was around 6months, 1yr etc - I seem to remember things were a bit better from then on, and much more joyful. The thing I don’t get, is how I’m meant to give attention to two? It was so much easier with one! (And that was not easy!)

When I was pregnant I was really scared of labour and also of what I was going to do with this baby who I had zero idea how to look after. Affirmations really helped me ( and I confess I thought it was all a bit woo woo).

anyway, tomorrow morning look at yourself in the mirror and say:

-I’m so happy to have my beautiful family and we’re all going to get through this together.

Say it out loud and keep saying it every morning until you stop feeling like a twat! And then smile at yourself.

seriously, even if you don’t want to do that, just be kind to yourself and know you can get through it because you’ve done it before!

Wow this sounds so hard op.
my children are older now but the reason I’d never consider another child is because of feeling like this when mine were babies.

I wish I had been more explicit about asking for help from people. Eg my parents were rubbish (and now can’t care for the kids at all due to age/disability) but I wish I had just called and said “ can you come and take the baby for a walk today while I have a shower”. I never asked for help. I always hoped someone would offer and got angry because no one did. Obviously that is only any use if you have someone to help.

when night were particularly bad me and my dH split the nights. He Slept 8-1:30 while I dealt with the baby and then I slept 1:30 - 6:30 while he dealt with the baby. Meant we each got some sleep.

I have a 4 month old and a just turned 2 year old and I also don’t like the baby stage so I am with you on that. I keep wondering how I’m going to cope with weaning one and trying to entertain a toddler as I feel like that’s the next big milestone. My toddler has started watching more tv than I’d like but what can you do, sometimes you just need 5 minutes!

I keep telling myself I’m doing the best that I can and that’s all anyone can expect of me but of course mum guilt is very strong and keeps popping up! I try to get out the house every morning to a playgroup or similar to tire out the 2 year old a bit without it having to be 1on1 attention from me.

have you got any childcare? We have no family help but toddler goes to nursery a couple of days and honestly I think that’s what’s keeping me sane!

Hi OP I hear you! One child is literally so easy 😂

mine are 2.5 and 7 months and other than the lack of sleep it’s a joy having the two of them in the day now. They play together a bit and laugh at each other and nothing makes me happier. Before at your stage it was grim.

im hoping once the baby sleeps through it will be great.

Ah thank you all, this makes me feel so much less alone. I know quite a few families who have just had their second and, outwardly at least, they seem fine? Like the second just slotted in... Not so with us. I love our second very much but I just always feel so inadequate and like other people were born with a mothering gene that I wasn't. I find it all so difficult and don't seem to have the patience or strength of character to do this properly.

I am really really looking forward to when baby is older and *hopefully things are easier. We are just both finding it so tough - and that's with our eldest in childcare! I feel I should have ave nothing to complain about, yet here I am...