Hi
Ive been stuck in a rut for a few years and need some advice. Broke up with ex partner in 2015, moved out of the home in 2016 when I found a suitable rental
property. Had two children- I was asked to be a stay at home parent which I agreed to. Once I left his home, he didn’t help in terms of school run or anything because of his work schedule and had them late on Friday night, sometimes even Saturday morning, and would bring them back Sunday afternoon.
In between that, I retrained and got a new job. The schedule was demanding and meant that the children were left in limbo at his parents- he would be free but Nan picked up the slack until I would get back and pick them up. He wouldn’t come to see them and would go home to his new girlfriend but agreed to have kids 3 nights a week on weekdays. Reluctantly, I agreed because better they be with one parent than none.
In 2020, I had a newborn (with someone else), lockdown was happening and it automatically reverted to me having them the majority of the time, going to his house Friday-Sunday. This was a hard time financially as I was out of work and asked him to contribute financially for his two children. Only reason I hadn’t gone through Child Maintenance before is because he’d repeatedly threatened me at the mention: ‘I’ll stop working and work cash in hand’, ‘I’ll get the kids taken off you because you’re on benefits and I’m employed,’ ‘I’ll stop your housing benefit being paid,’ etc.
For context, I had no support of friends or family so had no one to ask for advice or for anyone to look after children. He knew this and used it to his advantage.
Anyway, I was silly enough to fall into the trap of him convincing me to go through mediation. Now, he wanted me to pay £300 per season or round abouts which I couldn’t afford. Went through legal aid because I was on low income and got this paid through. Through that, he suddenly suggested 50/50. He hasn’t been around for the kids, taking them to school or anything but instead of contributing financially, all of a sudden, he wanted them half a week. The mediator was getting a bit het up saying, ‘we haven’t got anywhere, something needs to be decided’. Stupidly, agreed 50/50 to trial.
Weighed on my mind and kids were being passed from pillar to post every time they were there. In fact, he spends virtually no time there and they are in main care of the new partner. Which is also an issue because she’s very controlling and argumentative. He says I have to speak to her and I’ve explained it doesn’t help my anxiety when she makes no effort and fly’s off the handle over things she really shouldn’t be deciding in terms of child’s welfare. She phones doctors and asks about their record and bombards teacher with emails with no parental responsibility.
Anyway, one child who has severe learning disabilities communicates she doesn’t want to go to her dads every week. Even though she isn’t functioning at her level, should this not be respected? She’s 12. School have said how she’s unsettled when being there and regulates when back with me. All I want is to go back to the previous schedule, for my daughters sake, to make her happy. I don’t even want the maintenance anymore but he’s refusing to go back to this. Our other child tells me how she is left behind when they go and do activities and often she is left at her grandparents house. Instances of her wetting the bed and the girlfriend speaking to her in a derogatory manner and my daughter being unable to understand. All these points have been raised with him- he doesn’t ever say his grielfriwnd is in the wrong. He reiterates that I have to speak to her. He demands details of where the children are going on activities which I have arranged but won’t give me the details on things that he’s booked them on to. He also refuses to pay. Doesn’t pay for anything to do with school, £1 here, £2 there for contributions. Costumes for whatever event is going on that week.
Oh, has several brothers who are lawyers. One specialising in family law and child arrangements he’s always threatened me with over the years. Says I’d never have a chance because I can’t afford legal fees and he’s got advice on tap.
Looking for advice.
TIA