Single mum - bedtime help!

[watdouthink]

I'm a recently single mum of two under two, a 23 month old and a 6 month old.

My 23 month old has only recently started sleeping through the night, but does tend to wake up at least once most nights. But he does take about 30-60 minutes of hand holding and sitting beside his cot at night before he will go to sleep.

My problem is now my partner has moved out, how do I do bedtime as my 6 month old falls asleep at the same time my toddler goes to bed. And neither of them you can just put down, my six month old also needs cuddles and picked up and put down a few times. She is still in my bedroom in her next to me.

She has her last bottle at 7 and then asleep by half past. My toddler goes to bed between 7-8 depending on his nap in the afternoon and just generally how tired he is.

Help please! I don't know how I can do it alone. I have no family nearby to help either. And no friends that could help as they are all in another town or have young kids themselves as they are mummy friends.

I got through single mum bedtimes by going to bed at the same time as my toddler in my bed, I was so knackered and it was the only way to get rest! Sorry not very helpful. Just wanted to send some solidarity - it can be tough doing everything by yourself

Could you perhaps gradually shift their (or one of their) routines a bit so you can attend to each separately? Or put them in the same room so you can be with both of them? (If they won’t wake each other up!)

What would you have done if your partner had gone out one night?

Repeat: it’s a phase! You’ll muddle through somehow and find something that works for you.

I'm not a single mum but have a husband that likes to go out, goes to football in the evening etc so when i was on my own, my little one got to watch his show on the iPad whilst I put the other one to sleep, then start his bedtime routine.

It's easier now as TV time is reduced to about 5 minutes before his little brother is asleep. I'm thinking of having them in the same room soon, so that'll make bedtime easier. I tried when the youngest was 8 months and it was disaster. My age gap is bigger 2 years and 3 months x

*the older one (then around 2 1/2)

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink

Thanks for the advice and words of support. I was thinking about just sleeping with my toddler in my bed and then transferring him to his cot once the baby is asleep.

If my partner was going out for the night I would have probably just put toddler in my bed and not thought twice...but I didn't want it to be something I had to do every night.

I don't think my baby would shift any earlier as she always naps on the nursery run at 430pm so isn't tired earlier than 7. I can't stop that nap as it's in the car so out of my control she just falls asleep. And my toddler wouldn't be tired enough to go to bed any earlier than 7 either so I'm a bit stuck to those timings from what I can figure out.

I was thinking maybe I need to try and do some form of sleep training on my toddler to get him to go down without the hour of hand holding etc then it would be fine! But I don't even know where to start with that at his age.

what I did when my older two were those ages was give my toddler my phone and have him sit upstairs with me and the baby while she was going down to sleep. Then once she was asleep, I’d take my toddler to bed.

There’s 17months between my older two, and it did work.

I had 2 born a year apart as a single mum and you just manage it I wouldn’t have had family or friends to come round to help for bedtime (I don’t think most people do tbh) and not something I would have asked, you will find a routine

Mine are 6 months and 2.5 I go to bed with them one either side of me in my bed and I feed the baby to sleep whilst holding the toddlers hand with my free hand whilst listening to an audio book, if you don't want the toddler in your bed I would then transfer once asleep. My toddler used to take up to an hour of hand holding in their room, takes 10 mins if in bed with me

I second the tv on phone with something chilled like InThe Night Garden while putting the baby down. I'm not a lone parent but this works for me when I'm on my own with my two who have a similar bedtime. Sometimes the toddler goes first and it's much easier. Being able to leave the toddler to sleep on their own is quite key though.

I have 18 months between my eldest two. You will find a routine that works. My biggest advice is if it's going down the pan just bring them into your bed. There's no point fighting them at that age. Everyone will just end up in tears. It doesn't build bad habits it saves a lot of stress and when you've all had a good sleep you can continue the next day with the proper routine. It's tough and even with a solid routine at those ages things can hit the fan very quickly.

Also if you have the time/ patience work on not having to hold your toddlers hand (although again don't fight it if it because too stress full). I might have been lucky but I used to tell my oldest who liked to have his hand held that I was just going to the toilet (or whatever excuse to get out the room) about once a week or so. One day he stayed in his bed so I extended the time until he didn't need his hand held and I would say night darling (kisses etc), I will be back in a little bit to check on you. Sometimes he took a while to go to sleep but he mostly stayed in bed.

Good luck. It is difficult but when you look back in a years time you'll be proud of yourself for making it work ❤️

I have 3 alone, since being pregnant with my youngest, spent 2 years going to bed around 7pm. Sleep was my priority.

Co slept too, because sleep training wasn’t for me and I couldn’t have managed it alone anyway,

Mine are a lot older now, so we didn’t have smart phones, but I used to let my older one watch gentle kids TV like Night Garden or Thomas, while I settled the baby, and then took him to bed and did his story. Everything ran by the clock. Baby to bed by 7:10, then 20 mins stories and cuddles with toddler, and at 7:30 I flopped with a brew and Corrie before sorting everything out for the next day and hitting the sack myself.
You’ll get a routine. It’s tough at the moment but it’s new and they are very little. Just do what works.

Oh and I agree with co-sleeping or doing whatever works too. Don’t set yourself up for unnecessary battles.

They do grow out of co-sleeping - seems endless at the time but eventually they do.

Also remember your little ones are dealing with the loss of your partner being present every day. That’s unsettling even for little ones who can’t express it yet, so the hand-holding at bedtime could be part of keeping you close for reassurance that you’re not going to leave them too. That will pass, with lots of love and reassurance.

If bedtimes are all consuming, just try to make sure you’re getting some quality time to yourself somewhere in your week so you can crash and do what you want to do.

I would sit by toddler bed holding her hand whilst I fed baby to sleep. Worked for us

I'm not a single mum but when I've had to put my toddler and baby to bed by myself, I've sat in the toddler's room singing to him while feeding/cuddling the baby to sleep in my arms. Once toddler asleep move baby to their bed in my room.

If baby's in a next2me do you need to be in the same room as them for sleep so they don't crawl out onto the bed? If so can you go to bed at the same time as the baby and maybe read with a low light or watch something on a tablet with headphones so you can relax? Or can you think about putting the side up on the next2me so you can have your downtime in another room with the monitor on, if you prefer?

If the toddler woke up overnight and it was just me, I'd just let him come into my bed (on the opposite side from the next2me for safety).