For better or worse, we are moving close to my PIL. We hadn't ever planned to do this, it is purely because we are priced out of buying a house where we currently live. Not moving isn't an option as we are currently squashed into a tiny flat with our rapidly growing baby. Had we waited to find an affordable property where we currently live, or near to my parents, it could have taken more than a year, so we had to compromise on location as our current living situation isn't sustainable. It is just coincidence that the ideal home in our price range is a few miles away from PIL. At first I was just excited to have found a home for our little family, but as moving day approaches I am starting to panic about being close to PIL, to the point where I can't sleep.
Since DH and I married my relationship with MIL has been good, however, in the early days she could be manipulative and bend DH's ear until she got her own way. She also had a habit of making decisions for me and interfering in matters which weren't anything to do with her. That said, once DH and I married this behaviour stopped.
Sadly, with the arrival of DD, there was a huge return of manipulative behaviour to the point where I just cracked (for example, trying to take DD away for the day when she was 6 weeks old even though I said no - then telling me I needed to let go and let her take over - telling me DH was lying to me etc.). She accused me of being hormonal and having PND at the time (in terms of my mental health I had actually never felt better, aside from her behaviour causing upset). It was awful and almost ruined the early days of being a FTM.
Rather than stone walling her, I took steps to try and heal the relationship for the sake of DH and DD. Over time I thought we were getting somewhere, but MIL's behaviour has changed drastically again now that we are moving closer to her. I find her behaviour around our baby stressful, she treats DD like a doll, and consistently fails to attend to her needs. When she tries to feed or change DD (after being prompted), baby breaks her heart because MIL ignores my advice on how to approach things, thinking she knows best. If I try to step in MIL refuses to let me, even if baby is clearly in distress. I often have to be quite stern to get her to listen. MIL is elderly (75) and likes to think she is still young and fit, but she is actually quite frail and has fairly poor eyesight.
She has started to pressure us into getting a car seat fitted to her car so she can look after baby and drive her places when DH and I are working. Bear in mind we haven't gotten as far as confirming she will be an active care giver when I return to work, this has been assumed. I have tried to avoid the subject, but it keeps rearing its head. I actually feel sick at the thought of baby being in the car with her.
She also has a small dog who we struggle to keep away from baby during visits. MlL and FIL don't see the problem with this, but the dog isn't familiar with babies and I worry it could turn if DD grabbed the dog's face or coat. We have had words in the past about their lax nature with the dog and for a time, tried to show they were listening. However, more recently they have actively encouraged the dog up beside the baby, even though they know I find it upsetting. The dog would likely be around when MIL is looking after DD (from experience she would likely bring the dog even if I ask her not to). She has also often denied the dog's behaviour (licking baby and toys etc) when it was happening right in front of her.
I am deeply upset at the thought of leaving baby with MIL all day unchecked, especially if it involves her driving DD places. Her age, sight and behaviour have me worried sick. I am also deeply concerned she will start turning up to the house uninvited (she has already tried to invite herself on moving day and has been told no - on that basis she insists on visiting the following day).
Just looking for some advice from anyone who has experienced similar with their MIL. Keen to know if a manipulative MIL who doesn't listen can be reasoned with. Ultimately I would rather work together to achieve the best dynamic for DD, instead of freezing people out, as I don't think this would be helpful to DH and I.