Mums with no support network

[Ell2022]

Would like to meet other mums who have no support network i.e. their families and their other halves' families live abroad.
I have an 8mo baby and most mums i meet from baby groups seem to have fantastic parents or in-law who are able to look after their child(s) 1-2 days a week, bring in nice homemade food, make crochet hats and scarves for their grandchild(ren). I find it challenging to share my struggle with them sometimes because i know they will not be able to understand.
What are the difficulties you have to deal with as parents with no support network?

We are in a similar position, although our parents lives local to us my mum who has sadly recently passed away was disabled and unfortunately my parents were unable to help us in anyway and my MIL unfortunately has her own mobile issues so she also couldn't help us in anyway with our LO
LO has just turned 2 we've done it all ourselves

We've never had a night away from her (not that thats a problem, id feel guilty being way from her) the only other person who has taken care of our daughter is now the childminder whilst we are at work

Biggest struggle when our LO was younger was when my husband went back to work, i felt i was on my own alot

Now we both work full time and when LO is poorly having to take time off work if she can't go to the childminders, luckily my boss is very understanding!

Our families aren’t abroad but have never helped with minding the kids etc , not even the odd babysitting , such is life 🤷🏻‍♀️
I have 3 and when they were small illness was tough as my dh worked away a lot and I was often on my own managing all three small children who if sick would basically spend the entire night waking in turns and obviously need lots of care which was v hard to manage solo. You can imagine if I was sick also and minding all three alone . 2 were bad sleepers for years so that was exhausting and no help so I was v tired tbh , taking all of them into appointments, not being able to go to events together with my dh ; weddings etc. Tbh generally parents who have help just don’t have a clue how hard it is and I find it difficult to hear of the help and even just emotional support they get , I can’t relate and feel I’ve had quite a different experience to raising kids.
On the plus side our dcs are older and we’ve done it all on our own without even 1 min help , we are a real team , my dh and I swap over so we can do things and have time on our own, I do notice some of my friends dhs re more hands off as maybe they know with the wife or grandparents can cover more..
l was around a lot when my dcs were small as I worked freelance and tbh it would have been way too difficult for both of us to work ft with 3 small dcs , no back up help etc. l I loved the years I had with them so much and they are really my best memories even though I was isolated and lonely at times, we really had wonderful times and it’s made me a lot stronger and well able really.
I’m back working more now and tbh it can be more difficult to balance things in primary school…. I’m v lucky that I work in education but without family help the primary school years can be tough on parents , early finishes here , lots of holidays , random days off etc so worth baring that in mind . End of the day we did it and now my three dcs are super close and happily play with each other , they are a really tight team which is wonderful. Good luck op

I have no local or helpful family but I do have a fantastic support network. I’ve met some wonderful local mums who have been a huge help and I hope I have been a help to them. It’s fucking hard this parenting lark and doing it without family help is brutal. Doesn’t mean you won’t ever have a support network though, you might just need to go out and find it.

Wow thank you so much for sharing, raising one child without help is super hard already and you have 3 children! A role model mum 🤩💗
Agree! It is early day for me but I find it really tough when you and LO are both sick yet you have be completely selfless and take care of LO, and I am not even working yet as still on mat leave!

I’m in the same boat no family around. All my family lives in another continent so has my husband works abroad. I have 4 children I look after them alone because my husband is in and out of the country. It was hard when they were little but they are now old enough to look after themselves is much easier for me. I even went back to work nights last year and I only do school run for my 8 year old son. I think the worse part is when you are not feeling well and you still have to do everything yourself.

Me. My parents are divorced, one moved 90 miles away as soon as they retired. The other moved back home from an EU country for half the year (other half in EU country) when they retired. They chose to buy at the opposite end of the country to me.
My parents are not maternal/paternal. I have no siblings. I haven't got any strong friendships. I've been alone for most of my life. I had my eldest as a teen and they turn 21 this year. My other two are much younger. Their dad fucked off when I was pregnant with the second. My parents didn't even support me then. I have spent a lifetime feeling totally abandoned emotionally.
I met my partner 5 years ago and he has been a wonderful support but alas, he also has no family here. He is from the other end of the country too. He is one of 10. All his siblings are far away too. So despite his huge family, we are still very much alone! He has no friends or support network as he moved here in his mid 20's for uni, and hasn't been settled until we met. And although he has settled in terms of living, he has had to move careers, and then move jobs yearly or more frequently so hasn't built up friendships that way.
So yeah. We are very alone. I joke/not joke about advertising for new parents. We'd love to find friends to play board games with too. But it seems that the stage of life we are at - everyone has young kids and aren't able to come over for a games night.
We have so many issues with our lack of support network. I'd be here all day. I've had 20 years of parenting and lots of those years have been as a single parent too. Fucking tough. That is how I'd describe my life. I'd love a close family.

I've lost both my parents now while my kids were very young and I have one brother who lives miles away from me but never really bothers with me and my sister has mental health issues and alternates between 100 texts a day to radio silence!!

I have a partner and 2 kids and it's very much "us 4" we have no family support (partners parents one is dead and the other one lives abroad and we have no contact for various reasons)

It's really really hard
I learn to live with it but it's always sad to hear of friends and colleagues go on about endless help they get and we just muddle along

I try to form friendships with people but it's so hard when we're working and just juggling life.

Some days I just cry 😢 I really wish things were different; it's that hard and I think if I'd have known it would be this hard I'm not sure I'd have had a family myself - I love them dearly but they don't have very much in the way of an extended family experience and I feel bad they don't have grandparents who can do things with them etc.... it's a tough pill to swallow sometimes I just hope they grow up to be happy 😊 that's all I can wish for isn't it?

same here. In all fairness my family were quite toxic so at the time it was best to move away with my Dh but I realise I have lost many privileges. Very isolated here and I’m wondering what I’m doing having a third dc. I’ve asked them to come when baby is due so they can look after the dc at home so Dh can be with me at hospital but they will let me know like they did last time. Have found it really difficult making friends, seems at my age everyone already has their set friends and quite hard breaking into established groups. My Dh and dc keep me going and I love their company but I miss my own social life. I work too but people don’t seem to want to hang out beyond work. Been like this for 13 odd years and I have lots of siblings and had good friends. It was really hard at first when I had dc that I couldn’t even have someone to go for a coffee with (apart from Dh) but now im sort of used to it as I’ve done the grieving part. But I’d be still up for making friends and getting my social life back.

Lone parents, some of them may have supportive families but with no partner at home, they may be in a similar position as you. Lone parents can be single, divorced, widow/widower, forces’ wives and to a certain extent those who have partners who spend a lot of time away with work.

I raised my child on my own and vouch for any lone parent friend I have. You have your hands full so you get good at multitasking and doing a lot of stuff without help so, most of us find it very easy to squeeze some time in for a cup of coffee or to provide support when needed even if it is at the very last minute.

You’ll start to meet them through your child, at children birthday parties, the school doors, the park or any other activity where you sit and wait while your child is busy playing with other kids.

My LO is 18 days old, when I discovered I was pregnant I was very concerned about a support network as my family live abroad and are only back for short periods twice a year.

I'm lucky in that I have close friends nearby and my DP has friends with kids too, although his parents are too elderly to assist with LO.

For actual mum support, I got apps Mush and Tinto, went to NCT and gone to to mum/bump class. I'm planning when my c section is healed more to go to children's centre drop in and local baby groups to further network.

Wishing you the best of luck building your network!

Thanks for sharing that is powerful, i would love to be your friend! 😉

Friends are great, but you do tend to find that since they are also in the thick of raising young children they have similar challenges. That’s good, as you have people who ‘get it’ but if you’re just exhausted and need a break, not so much!

My parents live in Canada and my in-laws live on the other side of the UK. Both sides of the family are lovely, we just live where we do for DH's work.

It's hard. I do not get a break. I do not have a life outside of being a mom. DH helps when he can, but obviously can't do much around the house when he is working and making money. Our house is messy because there is no time for me to tidy without a whirlwind toddler following behind me or a baby puking on every surface. We don't have a lot of friends, but the ones we do have don't have kids and don't really "get it", and don't really give us any respite.

It's shit and I miss my mom. I wish we lived near her.

I totally get it, and even if a friend who has no kids offers to look after my child I wouldn’t be so sure as she wouldn’t have a clue how to feed, play with him or put him to sleep!
I also really miss my mum, she lives overseas and is physically not fit to travel, I sometimes wonder if we should take the plunge and relocate to be close to my parents or in-laws, even just for a few years perhaps until school age, because it is regretful that all grandparents will miss out on his childhood, even if the support they can offer may not be significant.

We have no family help and have an almost 3 year old and an almost 1 year old.
I'm going back to work full time in a couple of weeks and my DP has 3 jobs so it's going to be hectic.
I feel like a stuck record complaining about it, but we've worked out we only need around 10 days childcare for the first year I'm back at work. Neither of my parents (divorced) work and my dad had previously said he'd help us out and now appears to have changed his mind without telling us.
We now have to pay at least £10k a year on childcare as nursery want a minimum of 2 full 10hr days a week for each child.
We have no friends that can help. My SIL sometimes offers but she's flakey and forgets she's offered or changes her mind. We've also realised she isn't using the clean bottles we send, just reusing the dirty old ones 😖 so not sure how much we can trust her not to make them ill anyway.