Have I messed up - bedtime routines

[Catsonskis]

I’m having a proper crisis of confidence at the moment and am actually worrying that I’m heading towards post natal depression for a number of reasons. So any advice would be helpful as I’m really worrying.

my 3m old has always been a great spontaneous sleeper. We’ve just hit the 4m sleep regression I think, but when reading up about it everyone agrees a strong bedtime routine by now will help. And indeed when I’ve looked back at my now toddlers sleep/routine at 3m she had one!!! But for some reason (exhaustion of 2, potty training taking priority for my eldest, illness and Christmas) we’ve got to 3m with no bedtime routine.

our evenings look like this, boobs to sleep about 90 mins from last nap, downstairs on sofa, sometimes stays in my arms or will go in mosss basket, anytime from 6:30, then wakes on an off for more boob until 10 when I get tired. I then get her into pjs, sleeping back and boob to sleep in bed and put her down in her cot. But it’s like 10:30 by that point and not consistently. And no book because by the time she’s in her sleep stuff she’s desperate for boob/sleep and gets noisy and I don’t want to wake the toddler (who’s sleep incidentally has gone from perfect, sleeping through from 9m to waking 3 times a night thanks to potty training - which has been another spectacular failure on my part). Bath alternative nights earlier in the evening. She then wakes 2-3 times before 8am which is fine and normal.

have I done her a massive disservice by not having a proper routine? Should I start now at the same time as her sister (I had a recent thread about how to manage this)? Will it make the sleep regression worse now as there’s no true nighttime routine.

this may sound ridiculous as 2nd time mum. I just am exhausted and don’t know what to do for the best. I spend a lot of the day worrying and crying. I can’t cope with the 2 of them on my own which is a great source of shame, disappointment and sadness as I couldn’t wait to have them both to myself all day. My husband works away one or 2 nights a week and I’ve been having to have family round to help in the evenings mostly because I can’t do it. I feel such a terrible, useless mum and considering going back to work early, full time as I’m so shit at parenting rather than the year off and returning part time as I did last time. I was a great mum to one, I’m terrible to two. I’m evening resenting my husband who’s idea it was to start trying when we did (I didn’t protest at the time as it took us months to conceive and losses before my first, but I got pregnant literally the next day) and I feel like it’s his fault when it’s obviously not.

sorry this simple question about bedtime routine has turned into a pathetic incoherent rant. Baby woke up 90 mins ago for a 20 min feed and is happily asleep and I’m still awake worrying and over thinking/Googling.

help/guidance/handhold appreciated.

Firstly you are definitely not useless. Having two so young is really hard especially trying to arrange routines.

I would speak to hv or gp about how your feeling. It could be pnd or the stress of trying to manage two at once especially if your dh works a lot. Either way it's a good idea to get it checked out.

Don't be afraid to ask for support, this difficult patch won't last for ever so yes utilise any support you can get!

A 3m old doesn't need a bed time routine that involves going to bed at (roughly) 7pm unless it works for you. If you think it would be easier then trial it when you have someone there to see to toddler. Then you can start to look at logistics of doing it single handed.But if it doesn't work don't stress , your baby will be fine and you can re visit it later perhaps when feeding is less.

You definitely aren't useless. If you are, then so am I because I can't do bedtime on my own either. It's hard!!!!

It's also so much harder when they aren't sleeping well. Sleep deprivation makes everything seem so much worse.

I have no advice because I have similar challenges but wanted to say you aren't rubbish. There's a saying "it takes a village to raise a child". That's a saying that's been around for an age because it's very hard to parent alone!

Never really bothered with a strong routine, thought it seemed over the top. Both my children ended up with entirely normal sleeping routines!

Neither of mine had a 'proper' routine at that age - they both did roughly what you do whilst they were babies - stay up with me until I was ready for bed napping/feeding, then I took them with me.

Both kids were radically different sleepers with this same treatment - DS1 a nightmare until he was 3, DS2 easy throughout. When they were 1 and 4, and moving into a room together, I started the routine, and because they were both that bit older, it was easer to manage/stick to.

You are not at all useless - just sleep deprived and trying to deal with two demanding babies (or near babies) - it's hard to see the wood for the trees at that point. Be gentle with yourself, they are fine, it will be fine.

I've got one crap sleeper and one good sleeper - no difference, same routine (less so for DD2), both FF, both similar weights. It's just the luck of the draw and baby does what baby wants! I certainly found the bedtime juggle easier once DD2 got to about 1 and would go off to sleep by herself. Neither of my two would even look at a book until about 15 months so I wouldn't worry about not reading to your baby.

And to echo PP, you're not useless. You're shattered and adjusting to your new life. It's bloody hard. Have you spoken to your GP? The all day worrying and crying could be PND so might be worth getting some advice from a professional.

We didn't have a bedtime routine until about 6 or 7 months. I don't really think they'd notice at 3 mo, though would be beginning to take note

From what I've read, now is the time to start introducing a nighttime routine and there's no point beforehand. So you're actually right on track 🙂

No routine here until 6-7 months (maybe later!!!) just rolled with the baby's timings. Don't panic you aren't doing anything wrong, you're just really tired and pulled in different directions. It will get better. Muddle through with whatever works for you. Don't be afraid to lean on others for help - you cannot but yourself in half! Try to banish the mum guilt - you are doing your best. Speak to gp if you think you have pmd. X

Well for one your absolutely not uselsss. I have. nearly 4m old (and he’s my only child) and i can’t do bedtime on my own!! Totally normal, it’s bloody hard. I got my LO into a routine about 9 weeks but it was totally by accident - and i can’t imagine it’s ever too late to start. Maybe just try bring things forward a little so your baba is going down anywhere between 8-9pm?

It would probs be good for you to intro a routine too just for yourself so you can get some of your evenings back and just be able to sit downstairs in peace or take a little bath! It will be trial and error on timings but see what works for you :) I think we have just hit the 4m sleep regression in the last few nights and god it’s not fun routine or no routine i think it would be a nightmare!

We're in a very similar position to you with our nearly 4 month old. We just can't seem to find a groove with an evening routine...baba naps with DH, who then brings her up to me 11pm/12ish before going to bed himself. We've tried an earlier bath, book, bed but she's having none of it. My eldest DD has a very structured nighttime routine and has since day 0, but we just can't make it work with the second for some reason. Just go with it for now and maybe approach again in a month or so. It will all work out fine in the end x