3rd child - will I regret it?

[pointeral]

I already have two beautiful boys aged 4 and almost 2. 4y/o will start school in September and 2y/o will start nursery a couple of mornings a week then too (but also term-time only). We always wanted 3 children and are now at the point of having to decide if we want them to be quite close in age (would be 2y4m from 1-2 and roughly 2y9m+ from 2-3 if we got pregnant quickly, more if not). We could wait longer but I’m really worried about the third being left out if that happens and then feeling pushed to have 4 (which I am a firm no about!!)

Part of me really wants three for various reasons: dynamic feels a bit less claustrophobic/intense than between two; the more the merrier and I love being busy; the idea of more siblings for the children when they’re older/bigger family for Christmases etc. There are so many cons though and we are really exhausted with only two at the moment. I’ve just started a new job which I’m hating because it’s taking all my energy away and stressing me out. I’d love to quit but the financial pressure would be even bigger with three.

Really just looking for any advice/similar experiences. Did anyone feel close to their limit with 2, have a third and find things didn’t get much harder/didn’t cause you to have regrets? Did anyone have a similar age gap with three and think it was wonderful or wait longer for the third and think that was amazing and the siblings are really close?

It doesn’t help that everyone seems to have an opinion about us wanting a third and telling us we’re crazy so we’re starting to doubt ourselves…

No one can make this decision for you - you could regret it if you do and you could regret it if you don't. You just have to trust your gut instinct and go with it.

One thing I do think though is you are being very restrictive on age gap - loads of families have bigger gaps and all is fine. Kids do not need a sibling close in age to have a nice family life. So you have time to think it through.

You might when they are expensive teenagers. 3 x mobile phones, 3 x laptops - yes they will each need one for homework, 3 x clothes and shoes, 3 x GCSEs, 3 x A levels, 3 x UCAS, and the stinger - supporting 3 through university.

Then there is the emotional toll of teenagers. Even the well behaved ones have problems - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues, exam stress.

If you are extremely emotionally resilient and money isn't an issue then go for it.

We went for it and I am 4 weeks pregnant. I was in the same boat as you.

I know we will be fine.

Ours are teens. We often say how relieved we are that we stopped at two…

I rarely see parents of teens on here saying that they want more children, or wished they had had more. It is nearly always parents of small children who haven't had to face teenage issues yet.

@RampantIvy

True but I speak to a lot of parents of adult children who wished they had had more.

If you can survive the teenage years

I have three boys with exactly the age gaps you mention and it’s great. I found going 2-3 much easier than 1-2 and whilst DS3 was a surprise baby I am now pleased that we didn’t have a bigger gap. As they have got older I have found the age gap between the oldest and the youngest more noticeable and a bigger gap would mean even more years of the school run. Obviously just my experience/opinion, many with bigger age gaps will find that preferable. It is more expensive, logistically harder when they all want to play football matches at the weekend for example but overall it’s great. I’d say try to envisage life 5/10 years hence with a third child rather than just imagining having a baby! I never planned to have 3, mainly because of the financial implication and I couldn’t bare to feel the two I already had might miss out because of us choosing to have a third. We have been very lucky with support from family since having a third but it is definitely a consideration, babies are comparatively cheap!!

I had my 3rd a year ago. Big gaps as older two are teenagers. I wish there was less of a gap but I'm also finding it harder than I thought with two teenagers to deal with on top of little sleep and endless laundry, work and baby! No one can tell you when is the right time, because there is rarely a right time to do it! You just get in with it because you have to!

Thank you for all your replies. I agree about the teenager comments - I’ve heard lots of people mentioning that but also people saying that once your through those years it pays dividends.
I’m such an over optimiser/over analyser and I think I’ve just become really aware of the tail risk. What if they’re born with a serious disability? What if the interest rates go up even more by the time our mortgage fix runs out? What if, what if, what if.
I guess you make the best of whatever cards you are dealt.

Ha, pretty sure I wrote the same post a couple of years ago 😄 we ummed and ahhed for ages, plus the pandemic, and ended up with a 4.5 year gap between middle and youngest. 2 just felt way too cookie cutter and easy to be honest. 3 is good, I am definitely maxed out though and not having another!! I knew the minute she was born that I was done, which was a relief as I was worried that wouldn’t happen!

DS1 is 7 and DS2 is 5. DD is 9 months. The boys are OBSESSED with her, DS1 watched her play for a bit the other day, turned to me and said ‘oh I LOVE her!! You MADE her!!’

It is lovely that the 2 big ones are at school all week so I get all week just me and the baby :)

IF you're hoping 3rd is a girl and get a boy you may regret it. There are probably other reasons for regret but that one seems most obvious without context.

If that's not of concern could be fine. Undoubtedly hard but everyone finds a way to pull through.

Thanks @MassiveSalad22, it’s good to hear you were in the same boat and things have turned out well!

@BabyOnBoard90 I really wanted two boys for our first two but we’re not going for the third for a girl. In many ways I think sticking with what we know would be my preference (though my husband is a bit keener on a girl) plus then we’re more likely to find common ground with activities/interests etc. Would mean they could all go to the same school (I live somewhere where almost no schools are coed). Plus I’m a teacher at an all girl’s school and get lots of exposure to the ups and downs of teenage girls!

My worry about timing is linked to gender though. For some reason I feel that if we have another girl then leaving a bigger gap would be fine (because there’s already a natural division between the two eldest and the youngest) but they should be closer together if the third is a boy. Again, probably just me overanalysing - as @watchfulwishes says, lots of people have bigger gaps and it works really well

*a girl not another girl

Hi @pointeral I have 2 boys one is 4 and the other 2 in May. I was also stressed and exhausted but can’t help feeling like I want one more! Not because I want a girl I just can’t shake the feeling. I was one of 4 and loved it. I am also scared of it being really difficult everything I have read seems to scream don’t have a 3rd child and it’s putting me off! I got a lot of comments with my second boy that upset me and I also don’t want to listen to them again. Like oh no you’ll need to go for a third you are out numbered etc and I don’t want people thinking I tried again for a girl and it’s another boy and they act like they feel sorry for me! I would hide it as long as I could but I get really bad sickness. Sorry I’m not much help but just wanted to say your not alone lol

I’m 6 weeks into having my third… like you it’s something I weighed up carefully, mainly because of anxieties around being able to provide the time/energy/lifestyle I wanted to for my eldest two. I can honestly say now she’s here that the family feels complete and like she was meant to be here all along. My gaps are 5 / 3 and newborn. I don’t regret it for a second but then I had always hoped for a bigger family.

It has also been my easiest jump, far easier than how I found the 1 to 2 transition , but that may be because of school and nursery taking the pressure of this time around.

We have 3DC with an 18 month gap between the first two and a 3 year gap between the second and third. We have teenagers now and I much prefer the teenage years to the small baby years. We do have plenty of money, a big house and a good work life balance though.

Have a look at the thread in childcare where a Mum of three in a good career doesn't see how she can afford to go back to work......

I have 3, with roughly 2.5 years between each. It's always very busy, loud and messy but I love it, and the older two absolutely adore their 'baby' sister, even now they're all at school.

The toughest part for me was juggling work and childcare. I couldn't afford full time nursery but was lucky enough to have a very flexible job which I could work most of from home and in evenings when everyone was in bed. Sounds good on paper but it was exhausting. Now the youngest is at school I'm enjoying working normal hours and being able to focus on my career again.

I knew I desperately wanted another as soon as my second was born and I don't think that feeling would have gone away had we not had her. But like a pp said, as soon as she arrived I knew I was done.

Also, everyone we spoke to said we'd be mad to have a third but now they all say they just can't imagine life without her around and feel bad for saying anything. So ignore that!

I have 3 teenagers, 18, 16 and 13, wouldn't change it for the world.

I have 3 -with a 3 year and then a 4 year age gap. Now the youngest is nearly two they all play nicely together, they all currently like same things (swimming, soft play etc) so not sure a bigger age gap is an issue.

the first year was amazing and it was easier than I thought. This year has been harder now the baby has a personality and I’m starting to see why people struggle with three.

for me personally three children is absolute magic and I love having a busy house and I feel incredibly lucky. However,
the older two have suffered in some ways and I feel guilty about that. There’s often a feeling of trying really hard and still missing things and letting them down.

there is a lot of work when they are school aged. Homework and after school activities etc. perhaps just my kids school but it’s relentless and I’ve seen both my children drop academically (move to a less able table) since the younger one has been born, it’s hard to read with a 4 year old with one eye on a newly walking child while helping an older child to do complicated maths homework, and fitting in a busy job.

everything is much more expensive than I budgeted. It’s not just childcare it’s been a bigger car a bigger house, holidays being significant more expensive, another set of swimming fees, hobbies, clothes. Again it’s alright while they are a baby escalates as they get older.

having said that I just felt someone was missing and I'm so grateful she’s here. Seeing the interaction between all three and knowing they have each other is wonderful. If i could go back, I’d do it again (but I’d like to go in a bit more prepared)

YES YOU WILL, especially if it’s a MALE