Feel like a rubbish mum

[Aseagullatemybaby]

Stay at home mum to 6yo, 2yo & 1yo.

I am knackered, so low, so tired, skint, just when I take one step forward I take 3 back. DH works long shifts, so I have the DC on my own majority of the time (from the moment they wake to the moment they go back to sleep at night), no support, no real friends (moved to a new area when dc2 was born).

I’ve lost who I am, I’m swamped in rubbish baby groups, breastfeeding dc2&3, school runs, CBeebies, bath times, nappy changes, trying to play with them, babies climbing all over me, pinching, the baby biting, the constant cycle of illness’ in the house, the whole time I want to run to a woods and scream.

Ive just finally got 1yo to sleep, followed by 2yo 30 minutes later to bed after a shitty day, read a nice story to them, got all their favourite cuddly toys, twinkly lights on etc.. then after a walk downstairs cue screaming from 2yo that wakes up 1yo, both of them screaming, I have 6yo downstairs wanting to play ‘hotels’ and then read their school book (homework), I’m overwhelmed, I don’t feel like a person in this house, I’m not anything, DH is sympathetic and when he’s off work is fab at mucking in but it doesn’t take away how hard it is when he’s in.

Im on the verge of panic attacks daily, I’ve never hurt the DC but have lost my temper or said mummy has to take a deep breath- gone into another room and burst into tears. I’ve been through therapy and they just said because of the short age gap it’s what’s so hard, I’m going through tests for ADHD too, everything is just really overwhelming to me, from the most mundane things to others. Sometimes I just stare into space for ages and my eldest can be talking and I’ve not taken a single thing in that they’ve said, this happens all the time.

Does/Did anyone else feel like this? Or am I just a really shit mum?

We can’t afford childcare for the youngest 2, I can’t go back into work because of DH shift patterns, even if I did my wage wouldn’t cover the childcare (former support worker on a pittance for long shifts) 😞 I keep saying to myself it’s not forever and to take in the sweet moments but it’s so bloody hard I want to rip my own skin off I’m so touched and burnt out.

I hear you OP. Im in a similar situation, eldest has SEN which means it's not really getting easier as he ages 😬. No advice but hugs to you, you are not alone x

Thank you. I’m sorry you’re going through similar, it’s something of a comfort to know I’m not alone.

My eldest has ADHD and it’s through them that I had it pointed out I am and have been the exact same hence the test for ADHD for myself.

Lets hope we find our way with it all eh x

This sounds really shit, I'm sorry.
Was it always the plan that your dh would work and you wouldn't?

It was but DC3 was a surprise baby (I got caught on the injection at 9 months pp), I was going to be back to work this September (when we get 30 hours free childcare) but that’s been set back by 2 more years now.

DH earns just over double what I do and we could never coordinate my hours and his now we have 3 dc (it was hard with just 1 but now it would be impossible) 😔

Is there no way you can get them into
A nursery for half a day a week? Does your dh know how you're feeling and what does he do to help when not working?

I only have 1 DC OP, so I can't imagine how hard it is, but at the same time I know what young kids are like and wow they are tough.
You are doing soooo well, please just remember that. I do think your DH needs to give you a break though. Maybe even just once a fortnight, could you go to the shops and looks for some clothes/beauty products for yourself, with no distractions, have a coffee on your own even.
It's so important to be yourself as well as Mummy..
Sorry I don't have much more advice but just to say I think you're super woman with 3 young kids x

Totally relate but far from a rubbish mum you sound like you really care and are doing amazingly. Another two years and your youngest will have their free nursery hours and the older ones will both be at school and you will have time to breathe. Until then keep on keeping on. There are millions of us who feel just like you- deeply in love with our kids but utterly exhausted by them and trying in vain to hold on to the person we used to be. You are not alone!