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Original poster

Moving away

15 replies

RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 21:03

Not sure if this is the right board but here goes.

divorced several years ago and I am DDs primary carefiver (I consider myself a lone parent as have minimal support) She sees her father once a week. No overnights.

I am looking to live closer to my family, this would be approx 4 hours away. I have proposed an every other weekend arrangement, to which he initially agreed, but has since reneged as is making things difficult for me. Any suggestions as to how I could make this work? I have suggested one weekend I do the travel and he does the other. As I say, initially he agreed but is now saying it’s too much for DD and I am being selfish.

genuine opinions and advice would be gratefully received.

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MGee123 · 08/01/2023 21:22

Hmm. Once a week isn't exactly line parenting, that's a pretty regular arrangement. 4 hours is a long way - obviously not do-able to go there and back in a day. I can understand why he's objecting to be honest. I don't think your suggestion is that unreasonable but it is obviously quite a big impact for him. How old is your daughter?

Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 21:34

She is 6

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Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 21:36

Also it’s a two hour train journey or a 4 hour drive.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2023 21:37

He can stop you from changing her school.

taxpayer1 · 08/01/2023 21:41

As soon as you move, you will start reneging about doing your part of the trip. Moving 4 hours away is basically removing the father from the equation and he knows it.

lifeinthehills · 08/01/2023 21:50

Someone I know did this and ended up with a very expensive court battle. In most places, to my knowledge, you can't just take the child from the other parent. If you want to try, it might be good to start with mediation to see if another agreement can be reached. Her father is quite involved, so it makes sense he doesn't want to give that up.

Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 22:15

Thanks for your thoughts, really appreciate it. In terms of schools he had no input in choosing hers and was extremely disinterested, but I take your point.

I wouldn’t “just take her away” we have been having a lot of long conversations about it and I thought we had a solution.

I’m not trying to be one of those thanks for your advice I’m going to ignore you” type posters, but at the same time please don’t think I’ve just had this idea and am fleeing. I’m trying to think of what will work best for all of us. I am very unhappy and clinically depressed (largely due to his emotional abuse over the years) hence wanting to be near family. He is more involved now I guess than he used to be, although 5 hours once a week of basically just computer games, but hey ho. I’m also struggling to afford to live where we are at the moment, and he outearns me five times over. I genuinely don’t know what to do so am trying to work something out.

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Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 22:17

I thought we were about to start a new life in the country, financially stable and better quality of life, so it’s just put my head in a spin. I get on with her dad for the sake of DD but there is a lot of trauma there from my side, so it’s hard to know what is right.

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lifeinthehills · 08/01/2023 22:19

Maybe a greater contribution to your living costs could be something you bring up in mediation, if that's a driving factor. Ultimately, if it comes to needing a court decision on this if you can't agree, the best interests of the child will be what prevails. Not a lawyer but I'm sure that being able to give a better lifestyle will be taken into account.

Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 22:21

Thanks lifeinthehills. You talk a lot of sense. I could ask him for greater contribution, don’t think he will be willing but I can ask

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RandomMess · 08/01/2023 22:22

Go and speak to a solicitor there has the be good reason for a prohibitive steps order to be issued if you are staying within the same legal jurisdiction (eg England & Wales)

Support for you, better standard of living all matter.

I wonder if it's because he doesn't want to do overnights, possibly doesn't want to facilitate you "having a life" being able to date etc.

Friend of mine pulled a blender he threatened all of that so she offered him full time care and she'd have all the school holidays etc.

Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 08/01/2023 22:46

Oh he definitely doesn’t want me to have a life! I feel like I have been asking his permission to do anything since i was 20!

but I have to separate my relationship with him and DDs relationship with him and appreciate they are two different things.

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RandomMess · 08/01/2023 22:50

So it's probably about control then isn't it?

The pathetic amount of contact he wants, just enough to interfere in your life.

Starlightstarbright1 · 08/01/2023 23:08

Honestly go get legal.advice.

On MN. You always get this woman can't move. You are offering a solution.

He isn't your Dd primary carer..sounds like you will have a lot more support moving away. This has to be framed how it would benefit your Dd.,

Is there annoption though to move say 1/2 hour away from family meaning it woukd reduce your Dd's travel by an hour a weekend

Original poster
RamonaBadwolf · 18/01/2023 19:18

Thanks all, I’ve booked in some legal advice

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