Teenagers

[user1470739004]

Hi, how much freedom do you give your teenagers (almost 16 year old lad) our son wants to do nothing only hang around the town with his friends (he is in with a crowd who do nothing only walk around the town smoking/vaping etc) they seem to come & go as they please and their parents don’t look up or down at them. Last summer, we caught him & some of his friend with weed. He swears it was his first time but I don’t know. He only seems to want to hang around with trouble makers. (This is not a my little Johnny post as he can be a devil himself - won’t do a tap of homework, constantly getting in trouble in school for talking/messing etc) He does sports 5 nights of the week but it’s the weekends that is the problem. He more or less is allowed nowhere at the moment outside school or sports, unless with us or other family members, as I’m terrified he will go off the rails with drugs/anti social behaviour. (A jump I know from normal teenager behaviour but there is drug addiction in our family so I’m terrified of it)

I know we can keep him locked up forever but how much freedom is normal for his age? and should I / can I stop him from hanging around with his trouble making friends.

(Again I’m probably not phasing this great when I say he is hanging out with a bad crowd as for all I know he could be the one leading them astray but I just know every time he is with them, there is always some kind of trouble)

Any advice please? Thanks

I don’t have a teenager yet my boy is only 8 weeks old but there’s lots of teenagers in my family, and the one thing I can say for certain in my family, is those who were a bit more… let’s say teenager-y like what you’re describing, smoking weed, hanging around town etc is that no amount of keeping them in made it any better. Instead having strict home times and the rule of don’t get anyone pregnant, don’t get arrested & don’t do yourself or anyone else any harm were the rules to live by! I wish you all the luck I’m finding what works for you and your family :)

I don’t have the answer but wanted to say you’re not alone! Ours is now 16 and feel like this was us last year. We did as much as we could to break the cycle. Tried to keep him busy elsewhere, like sports etc. I think the fact your DS is still involved in sports is a really good thing. We ‘seem’ to have come out the other side. He’s stopped hanging around with those boys very much but occasionally he will say he’s going to their house. I hate it, makes me wonder if he’s going to smoke weed or whatever but he’s 16. I have to let him make some decisions for himself.

Thank you ladies. Never a dull moment with teenagers. @FawnFrenchieMum does your son have to ask permission to go hang out with these friends or just let you know so to speak. In general can he come and go as he pleases? We live out the country so he is reliant on us for lifts. How much freedom is enough/too much at their age. I’m afraid if I don’t let him make some decisions, he will just constantly lie to me and do what he wants anyway.

He doesn’t have to ask permission as such. We’ve decided at 16 we can’t control who he chooses to hang around with. We do however control how much money he is given to do things with, so when he is make ‘bad’ choices he isn’t given a penny over his pocket money (I won’t fund smoking / vaping / weed etc) but if he’s making good choices and hanging out with ‘better’ friends were much more liberal in lifts and giving money to go out for food, cinema, ice skating etc.
We have times that he has to be in to be respective to the household especially on school / work nights but other than that we physically stop him going out where he wants.
My head is often so torn on it because at his age, my parents had no clue where I was, what I was doing or who I was with but with social media and phone tracking, I do know so then have to make a conscious decision whether to ignore it and pretend I don’t know or tell him I’m disappointed etc.

Thank you @FawnFrenchieMum I think we may loosen the reins a little bit & trust he will start to make better decisions/friends. We never give him cash (only put money on his bank card) so hoping that will make it harder for him to buy weed (not impossible as I’m sure they will find a way to work around it - but some but harder) on a side note, are all teenagers vaping / smoking weed because apparently according to my teenager it’s no big deal and EVERYONE is doing it. Apparently it like drinking when we were growing up. (Not saying that this is ok, just trying to figure out if my teenagers is being a ‘normal’ or a delinquent) 🙈

I don't think it's feasible to keep a 16 year old locked in the house. That will only breed resentment and cause more problems. I'd try and have boundaries first, when he needs to be home etc.
I have 2 brothers and looking back our parents gave us a lot of freedom at 16. We were expected to be in by 11 but apart from that we could go out whenever we wanted. We often went to London, to festivals etc. We did dabble with weed but actually got in to far more scrapes with alcohol! I think I'd prefer my child to have the odd joint than to binge drink like I used to. That was downright dangerous. The fact is we all grew out of it. All three of us are very clean living adults. I think many teenagers experiment a little but generally they grow up and become more responsible.

I think pretty much all teens are vaping. According to my teacher friends it’s totally rife in schools, right from the year 7’s.

Weed IMO is far more common then when I was a teen, I don’t think every as many teens are smoking weed as vaping but I do think it’s also pretty rife.

My DS rarely drinks alcohol and when I look back to my teen days, we certainly got ourselves into some messes with alcohol so I guess it’s swings and roundabouts.

I would never encourage it, or tell him this but I don’t think the odd bit of weed here and there is the end of the world. For me, it’s more about if it leads to more than that and the type of friends he is usually with when the weed is involved. Both boys sound like they are still heavily into their sports so hopefully doesn’t give them too much time to be getting up to much else.

Yes ‘friends’ is the huge worry alright. Some of them are ok at the back of it all, but some of them come from a long line of antisocial behaviour.

Sports are great for keeping them busy alright and hopefully he will pick up a Saturday job when he turns 16.

I think we may just give him a bit more freedom & hope he makes good decisions from here on.

thank you so much for all your advice @FawnFrenchieMum. Really appreciate it.