How to get over the yearning for a third child?

[Havanawinter]

DH and I have DS5 and DS1. We’re a really happy little family unit. I would love a third child (and so would DH although he feels less strongly about it) but for practical and financial reasons we’ve agreed to stop at 2. I’m gutted. We would need a bigger house, bigger car, we financially can’t really afford a third. I know it’s the sensible decision but I’m so sad. 3 kids seems mad given the state of the world and logically I know it’s the right decision… but how do I move past it? Will the feelings ever go away?

You train your brain to focus on other things! You're able to think all this through rationally. You know you have a lot to appreciate about your current life. You know that you have good reasons for not having another child. It sounds like you're in the habit of wishing for another child though and you need to break that habit the same way you'd break a habit of reaching for the chocolate cake or wine!

Don't let your brain continue the habit. Break the habit by distracting yourself. If the thoughts occur to you when you're on the sofa watching TV at night, gather the kids and husband together for a board game, make everyone go for a walk around the block, cook an elaborate dish for tomorrow's dinner, or call a friend to discuss the Harry and Meghan situation. The point is, do something you usually wouldn't do and break that brain habit.

The feelings may or may not go away completely but they will become less troubling over time. Your current kids will get busy and you'll get more occupied with their issues as they lead more complex lives.

Have you asked yourself what it is you want out of a third child? Is it that you miss the unconditional love and dependence a baby can provide? If that's what's going on, maybe consider getting a pet I'm not saying that flippantly. We can have very close relationships with pets and they're around all the time for companionship. Maybe start there. Good luck.

I have 3, I hoped I’d feel ‘done’ after 3. I heard a lot of people say you know when you’ve finished having children. I don’t though, so I think some people never do get that feeling.
I also think those feelings come and go at different stages, and for me we’re very much there when the youngest was a toddler, I wonder if it’s hormonal.

That's really sound advice from the pp....
I keep toying with the idea of having a 5th and I know hubby wouldn't mind another (I have 2 older children from a previous marriage, then 2 with him, the youngest is 18months).
However, like you've pointed out, it would involve a lot of changes (much bigger car, looking at bringing our planned extension forward which might not be financially viable so soon).
So instead I am focusing on doing a degree within my work, enjoying the things we can now do as they get older, enjoying our time together (because let's be honest...baby's are a bit of a passion killer!).
I am finding the feelings are passing, still occasionally get an ovary ache when I hold a family/friends newborn....and I think I shall always have the 'what if' thought, but then I'm reminded of what I have and where we might be in a few years and what we can give our family.

Thank you everyone, that is actually some really great advice. I do need to keep busier. My hobbies have dried up since becoming a parent and the kids are all I focus on. Maybe I need to start doing something for myself instead of trying to fill the gap with another baby.

I do have periods where the feeling subsides, and it doesn’t consume me daily, but it’s always there. I also think being “only” 32 worries me as I know I could feel like this for another 10+ years until the opportunity passes.

@Havanawinter, I really think @Candyflosscrochet has a good idea about doing a degree (or something similar--learning a new skill/hobby). My work does that for me. There are goals to work towards and focusing on fulfilling them gives my brain a break from worries.

If there's a language you've always wanted to learn or a qualification you've wanted to get, maybe this is the time to go for it!

In your case I had my 3rd in what would be 2 years from now for you! I’m now 40 and just coming to terms with closing that door. It’s easy to romanticise what having children does to you. I fed mine for 2 years each so with pregnancies that’s nearly 9 years of my body working harder. I’m also trying to think about who I am when I’m not a mother. I’m slowly getting there.

Hey, I can totally relate to your post- I have a DD5 and a DD1.

Since second baby was born it's always constantly played on my mind about whether we should have a 3rd child or not.It's not like I'm desperately craving wanting to try for another anytime soon, quite the opposite infact.To be honest I think it's just become abit of a habit for my brain to think about it when I'm not occupied with anything else.I think because after DD1 it we would want to have another, but there has never been a definite decision about whether to have a 3rd or not, the uncertainty and finality of which decision we make unsettles me.

But I know that we really need to (and I'm pretty sure want to aswell tbh) stop at 2.Whenever i keep debating it in my head I just keep telling myself the LONG list of reasons why it would be a bad idea to have another.

Forgot to add I am just 35, so fairly similar age, and also don't really have much of a social life/hobbies....the children are my life and I like it that way, but realise that will gradually need to change as they get older.
I'm not really an animal person either! I've always loved children.
Luckily I work with children and families at least, maybe consider a career in that? As there will always be a 'last baby' and a gap left as they grow up, having another would only pro-long that abit.

Time helps. My youngest is now old enough to entertain themselves and the last 12 months have made me grateful I don't now have a pre schooler taking up all my time as planned (2xmc whilst trying for DC3 so we gave up) and I'm starting to feel like myself again rather than just "mum"