My 8yo is horrible to me

[Lavendercoco]

My 8yo daughter and I have always had a great relationship. I’ve tried my hardest at gentle parenting but of course I lose my rag like we all do sometimes, she has severe anxiety that I always try and be super patient with (even when at times it is very frustrating) and I genuinely love being her mum and I’m always trying my best to make her life lovely and fun for her.
Recently we just fall out all the time. This morning I wouldn’t let her make a smoothie because we were going out soon and she went berserk, told me how horrible I am, how I’m always moaning at her and how her friend’s mums are so much nicer than me. Recently she’s been saying things like this several times a day, especially if she doesn’t get her own way. It’s like a knife in my heart.
She’s a very clever girl and for the most part, really caring and thoughtful. She’s always been older than her years and she’s brilliant to be around. I love her so much and I feel so lost about what to do to solve this. I’ve tried talking to her and she always apologises for saying hurtful things, but always says them again. I feel like I’ve gone massively wrong in my parenting somewhere to cause her to speak to me like this.
I feel like I’m losing her. Are your 8yos like this? Any advice please? Please no negative comments, I am feeling so low about it. Thank you.

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Just earlier today I was reading about toddlers online. It said that 8 years old has been voted the hardest age to parent. So I'm sure you're not alone and it will pass. Hang in there 💐

She's maybe hitting the tween years a little early.

It sounds like you're doing a great job already. Stay calm, don't engage with it, talk to her afterwards about how it makes you feel and how you can help her to manage her disappointment/anger better. Accept an apology. Make sure she feels any natural consequences of her behaviour, but don't punish her. Make changing this behaviour a team game and not something that pits you against each other.

And don't take it personally. Don't rise to it. That won't help anyone.

It might be worth having a look at the Preteens Section as well OP. There's usually some useful advice in there

I teach year 3 and puberty does seem to start early for some children, especially girls.

One lovely girl was talking to me last year about how she sometimes felt really angry and she didn't know why. Their emotions can be all over the place.

No matter what she says to you, try to remember that it's not personal and that she still loves you.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Hormones have definitely gone through my mind as there are lots of mood swings happening. I feel bolstered and reassured by all your comments and I’m truly grateful. Thank you. Will definitely check the preteens section. 💐

You sound like a really great mum x

Thank you so much. I try, just like we all do. I’m finding it a lot harder the older they get. When they’re tiny, everything is so straight forward in comparison. Thanks again ❤️

Honestly speaking, your post really resonated with me. I have a 7 year old who can be so sweet and yet so angry sometimes.. and it has started happening recently too. Yesterday I was trying to reassure her when she got angry so I said “it’s ok, everything’s ok”; she responded with “nothing’s ok when you’re around”. I was really taken aback and felt that stab I in the heart but didn’t let it show. She was back to her loving cuddly self soon after.

When I read your post, and the manner in which you wrote about it, a lot of compassion came through… and it made me think about how sometimes need to reframe my own reaction towards her, because they do indeed go through a lot.. felt to me to be a bit early for hormones but it could well be that! So helping her through it may be better than say imposing consequences for example.

Parenting is not easy is it! Lots of love x

It’s great to set boundaries.

Honestly, ignore the raging. My six year old is like this. If he says ‘ I hate you’. I just say, ‘I know you do’ and get on with what I am doing. Or sometimes I say, ‘That’s ok, it’s not my job to be liked.’

You know she loves you, so really, don’t let it be a knife to your heart. You really can’t get invested in being ‘liked’ 24/7 by your child. It really isn’t your job. Your job is unconditional love, sensible boundaries and support and encouragement on their way to independent adulthood.

I would make sure she understands what you do for her. I actively tell my children how much I do for them. I don’t let it be a background thing they don’t notice and take for granted. I think that is important. And it hope it helps stop them from growing up to be entitled slobs : )

I could have written this about my daughter, she's 8 next month. She can be lovely, affectionate, and very funny but regularly (and much worse over the Christmas holidays) she will explode over something so minor (last night I wouldn't let her finish plaiting my hair as I was trying to cook tea) and say really hurtful things (similar to what the OP describes). She even gestured as if to hit me last night (thankfully she seems to be able to control herself to not actually do it) but I still feel appalled.

She is my youngest, born after my middle child (my other daughter) died so I suspect we do indulge her, despite making a very conscious effort not to. I feel very sad today as I worry I'm starting to feel negatively towards her because of this behaviour. Reading this back I can see I clearly need to sort this situation out!