Managing Grandparent Expectations - WWYD?

[Glittertrauma]

Does anyone have advice on managing grandparent interaction?

My dad is on his own and has in the last year moved from being over an hours drive away to just around the corner from us.

Since then, he's wanting to be more invoked with my kids (DS 7, DD 4).

The trouble is I don't really trust him to look after them properly. It's not that he's deliberately neglectful, and he does love them but he just doesn't realise things. He's of the generation where a lot of men didn't really handle the practical side of childcare.

When my son was a baby, he used to do childcare one a day a week but he had a long term partner then, she always came with him and she would do all the practical things like nappy changes, meal times and naps. He basically just did the fun part.

I also think he's not really aware or doesn't want to admit that he's getting a lot frailer with some complex health issues.

I just don't fully trust him with the kids, because I've been out with him and them, for example, with the kids on scooters and he doesn't check the road properly before letting them ride out into it. Just general safety awareness. I can completely imagine some accident occurring due to this that he would feel terrible about but I can almost see coming if we let him have the kids on his own.

Recently he's been pushing a bit more to do stuff on his own with the kids. My husband and I have agreed we won't let him take the kids on his own.

DS is big into football at the moment but has never been to a match. My dad is asking if he can take him, but it just sets my internal alarm bells ringing. It's a premier league team, big crowds and I'm not even sure I'd want my husband to take our son at this age.

I'd love to have a sensible discussion about my concerns with my Dad but he's very bullish. Attempts to have similar conversations in the past haven't gone well - he cannot see things from my perspective at all, never considers if he could be in the wrong, and will often try to make out I'm being hysterical.

However I do love him, and don't want to cause offence because his intention is good, he wants to spend time with his grandson and take an interest in his hobbies.

How do you think I should handle this?

I can completely understand your concerns re safety etc, on the other hand it is fantastic for them to have their grandpa (who takes an interest!) so close by and will hopefully also keep him young. On the one hand I would feel worried like you esp about roads, but I also think that grandparents have a very strong interest in keeping kids safe, even if they are not the most practical I don't think they would let any harm come to them, especially as your kids get older. For example by 7 I would not have so many concerns as with a toddler. The kids get a different set of interactions and experiences which they don't have with you, and yes of course the grandparent won't look after them optimally as you would do, but it will be part of their childhood experience. I would say if you're really nervous, make the interaction more around him coming round to yours to have tea, see them, etc. Or as a second step he could take them somewhere local where you can pre-drill them about roads, it's best if they develop their own road safety skills generally anyway. Not sure about the football but your son might absolutely love it, wouldn't have thought any real harm would be done. I think there is a win win where you relinquish a bit of nerves and trust more on the one hand, whilst also clearly explaining a couple of ground rules around safety which your Dad must keep to, and somehow it will work out and they will get to spend enriching time together (maybe also giving you a bit of time off!) Good luck!

One on one is very different to both at once. One on one with a 7 year old I would be fine with. Say to the child ‘remember to help Grandad with….’. Write his and your phone numbers on the child’s arm.

Maybe when you're there your Dad takes a step back in relation to telling dc to be careful on the road etc as he doesn't want to step into your territory and knows you're there parenting iyswim.
When your Dad is solely to responsible for your child it's very likely he'll be on the ball.
I worried about this with my own mother when she was looking after my dc and she said that when I wasn't there she completely took on my role.
I also gently questioned my dc about their trips with Nan and was reassured my Mum was taking great care of them when I wasn't around to.
Not sure how I'd feel about a football match just yet but could you start off small and local asking your Dad to take your ds to the park or if your ds is part of a club perhaps he could take him there etc.

I think 7 is definitely old enough to find a ‘safe’ activity he can do with granddad.