My Ex and his Partner Stonewall me

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I appreciate your time in any response that may help my situation.

My ex retains a lot of animosity due to my leaving the marriage almost 4 years ago. He’s done some horrifically revengeful things which I won’t go into here but the issue now is he won’t communicate regarding our daughter. Stonewalling

He does a handover as it is court stipulated but won’t respond to any follow up emails or emails or text to do with anything else in regards to our daughter.

His partner was only allowed to speak to us on his phone on loud speaker once.

I try to involve his partner as maybe the responsible one but she also just ignores all messages. When my daughters school had Scarlett fever I tried to include her as she had just had a baby who who may become at risk but she had no input or opinion at all.

My ex was OK when we were married however when I tried to leave he became quite controlling gaslighting and then threatening to commit suicide. He has tried twice to convince my fiancé to leave me saying I was cheating as I had a a car phone, he is always randomly accusing me of things I haven’t done and threatening me with the authorities.

In a recent court case where he was trying to stop us relocating ( after he relocated) the judge mentioned a section 91 which prevents ex partners using the court system to abuse people. Off the Back of this I called woman's aid it was confirmed this was post separation abuse.

Ive asked him to mediation 12 times and it’s just impossible, what can I do when dealing with someone like this ? Does he need help ?

Why do you want any extra communication with someone like this?

He hands over your daughter as stipulated. So why do you need to communicate further? Just accept that this is how it's going to be . And definitely don't try to include the partner. It's nothing to do with her.

Stop trying to communicate then. Leave it to him. What exactly are you sending all these emails about? You need to arrange times for pick up and drop off, that’s it. If there’s any medication etc you can do that on handover.

how old is your dd?

leave his partner out of it. It’s nothing to do with her, stop trying to use her as messenger.

He has tried twice to convince my fiancé to leave me saying I was cheating as I had a a car phone

a car phone? Did you split in the 80’s? Do you mean a phone for specifically using in your car? Why would that be necessary when you can just use a normal phone?

I would like to communicate with my ex about my child too or even just have an ok relationship but he won't communicate with me anymore.
I do feel that it's a need, not a want, to discuss the child we've got together.

Only replying to sensible compassionate advice not falling into a troll trap so thanks for this, I occasionally message about if there is something important for example her school had an outbreak of Scarlett fever and I wasn’t sure what to do, so I tried to involve him or when he accuses me of things I try and reason with him.

The courts want people to mediate they don’t want people using the court system or stonewalling each other that’s not good parenting ! Why can’t he just get over it for the sake of his child

Don’t do any more mediation, just go back to court if he won’t stick to the order.

Mediation isn’t advised on cases of abuse and you say that both WA and a family court judge have suggested he’s abusive. Let that go.

Leave his partner out of it too, your child has two parents and this woman has her own baby to think about, the last thing she needs is you trying to drag her into your issues with your ex.

You can’t make him communicate with you, no one could. If you can’t have that then what’s the next next thing you can hope for? And are you moving away following your court case about that? How’s that going to improve relations?

But your child didn't have scarlet fever. So your trying to whip up drama. It's drama to try and contact people who don't want to be contacted. It's not stone walling he is grey rocking you in the hope you get bored.

First you complain your ex won't communicate with you, and try to drag his partner into it who is absolutely nothing to you.

Then you say he abused you and is spreading rumours about you.

Do you have mental health or personality issues? If you don't then logic will make it very clear to you that if you accuse someone of abusing you and spreading rumours about you, then you need to have minimal contact with them to protect yourself from further abuse.

Oh and be careful trying to communicate and contact his partner especially if they have a baby as he could take you to Court to get a non-molestation order for not leaving her alone.

Stop communicating with her you don’t need to.

You need to keep communicating with him to a minimal of essential information. Eg It’s Nancy Christmas assembly on Friday 13th. The school need me to tell them by 8th how many tickets we need. If you would like a ticket let me know by then.

If he chooses not to reply then you have you answer. No need for a follow up text.

Just stop communication your a fully functioning adult you don't need another adult to tell you what to do

Communication goes two ways. So if he/his partner are reading your messages then that’s some communication. If they aren’t reading your messages then at least you know you’re sending them.
So I would keep sending those bare minimum important messages but worded in such a way that they don’t require a reply. So ´There is a scarlet fever outbreak at DD’s school. She is fine. No symptoms.’
NOT ´There’s a scarlet fever outbreak at DD’s school and I know you have a small baby now so if you don’t want DD this weekend then that’s ok just let me know please, I wouldn’t want to risk your baby getting sick’
You might they can cope with this level of info sharing when there’s no expectation of a conversation, and start to reciprocate. And if they don’t, well at least the info sharing is happening in one direction.
Stop asking for mediation. Asking a 15th time isn’t going to help anything.

You don’t need to communicate the school stuff either unless it affects contact time. He can put himself of the school’s email list.

This. It's likely he already has so knew about the Scarlet Fever incident. He can arrange attendance at Sports Day and Nativity Plays himself. Don't get involved in planning his life.

There’s no need to tell him or his partner that there’s Scarlett fever at your child’s school. If all your messages are mundane like that then there doesn’t need to be communication. As long as the child is safe and bought back home, I can’t see what else you need to tell him?? Let him get on with it, stop trying to force it and create problems for no reason

Yes to this too. DH has always had his own relationship with my DSC school, gets all emails and updates. No reason for anyone else to get involved. If he doesn’t want to do this he’s choosing not to engage with his DC education and that still doesn’t make it your job to involve him.

You say you have your own partner. Try and give less headspace and energy to your ex. You complain that he’s abusive yet are desperate for unnecessary contact and communication with him, which is quite odd. And you know his DP wants nothing to do with you but keep on at her, that’s potentially abusive in itself.

No need to even do this. He’s an adult, if he wants to go he can figure it out. You aren’t his secretary.

stop giving him control in your life and let him worry about his own life. He does a handover, that’s all you need.

who instigated the court order, you or him? Presumably if you’ve been to court to sort access mediation is redundant. Mediation is usually to try and avoid court.

stick to your court order, no more, no less. That’s all he is doing.