What would you do with this sleep fuckery?

[Tittletattle1988]

Not sure if I can even write coherently with how I’m feeling. We have a 4 year old son. He is seemingly intelligent, has met all milestones early and no one would think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with him. But he can’t sleep. From being a newborn to now, he just can’t sleep. We have tried weighted blankets, night lights, no lights, co-sleeping, camp beds on the floor in our room, camp-bed in his room, snacks in the night, white noise, no noise, gro clock.

He sometimes goes to sleep without bother but wakes in the night and will be awake for HOURS. In that time he can’t be on his own. We’ve told him he can look at books, listen to his audio box, play quietly with toys etc. but he just can’t do it. He insists on waking us up every 15 minutes for 2-3 hours. The time it starts varies every night. I can’t sleep because I feel like a nervous wreck waiting for it to start every night. If we bring him in our bed he thrashes around, taps us, talks to us, asks to go back to his bed. Repeat. I have had to change my job because the nature of it wasn’t compatible with this kind of sleep torture. We have an older child who isn’t like this. They just sleep. They wake if they’re ill or have a bad dream.

Someone will be along to say we’ve tried too many things and not been consistent. This is over a four year period. We don’t change things up every week.

For a little while I was lying with him to fall asleep as it stopped the bedtime hour-long hysterics and coming in and out of his bed for various things. He insists on us taking him back to his bed, otherwise he stamps and wails non-stop. If we take him back to his bed with no attention/eye contact he follows us back out of his room wailing and stamping.

What is this? He sometimes has whole months of sleeping normally and only waking a couple of times a night, but the majority of the time we live like this. I hate myself because I lose my cool and end up shouting. I hate my husband because he also loses his cool and ends up shouting. I feel like we’re living some weird double life as a family.

This sounds like torture, @Tittletattle1988 - I don't know how you've lasted this long. Have you spoken to a paediatrician? Wondering if melatonin could be an option?

Honestly at 4yo i would be working on him not waking you up. He has to stay in his room, at 4yo you can explain how mean it is to everyone else to be waking them up and it isn't acceptable. I would be going cold turkey, do his bedtime routine and then leave him to do whatever in his room. Maybe if you can get that cracked, he may realise how boring it is to be awake on your own in the night

Hopefully when he starts school (if he hasn't already) that may help to tire him out ready for bed.

I have no answers, but just want to say I feel your pain. My 2.5 year old has been exactly the same and from birth. I was having sick days off work because I was so exhausted and marriage was on the brink. We sorted it by cosleeping. DD had her duvet, pillow and teddies on my bed and DH sleeps in another room she still wakes 3 - 4 times but does go back to sleep quickly now. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and no one understands unless they have experienced it.

Thank you. I feel better for just writing it out. I know it will get better one day but I feel such despair at it and sadness that my relationship with him is so negative at night. @Goingforplatinum you’re right that no one understands unless they’ve had a similar experience. It’s so relentless and I feel like people must think I’m so negative. I wasn’t like this at all with my first. It’s so different.

And our main focus is on not waking us at night. That’s all we try and hammer home - that you let other people sleep. He seems so competent in waking hours but at night he seems to lose all empathy or understanding of other people. And melatonin is usually for falling asleep isn’t it? The difficulty he has is staying asleep.

My child that needed very no sleep and was very awake rather than tired and grumpy had too much adrenalin due to retained reflexes.

She was treated for retained reflexes and started sleeping longer and no more night wakings!!!

Went to this amazing guy

www.accesspotential.net

Treatment is mainstream in Australia yet so little known about here.

Slow release melatonin can help with later waking.
What happens if you put him to bed in your bed and then ignore him if he wakes up but you are there? It does sound a lot like he's very reinforced by what happens in the night (even if it's just his own behaviour exciting him).

See GP to rule out medical causes.

Maybe very low sleep needs? There is a good book by Lyndsey hookway called Still Awake but it probably won't suggest anything you haven't tried.