Anxious 4 year old - does it get better? What helps?

[sunandfog]

Hi

My 4.5 year old seems to be developing quite an anxious personality and I am worried about her.

I feel constantly torn as to whether to push her to do things or not.

Her anxieties include things like:

• going to play dates where I will not be present
• going to clubs etc (but is happy once she has got into it)
• being with a babysitter
• watching things on tv - things most 4 year olds don't find scary. Peter Rabbit for example. Same with books.
• returning to school after the holidays
• speciality lessons at school where she doesn't know the teachers very well

Often if you force her to do something she will freeze up and refuse to join in. Not in a tantrumy way, she goes silent and just looks scared.

Obviously most things on my list, those not related to school, we can avoid. But should we?

If you have older children that were similar did it get better?

Any tips?

I have a nagging feeling I should have held her back a year but she is very bright and would have been bored academically.

HELP!

My dd was a bit like this. I read a few articles about gaslighting children by saying things aren't scary and instead you should acknowledge it and comfort them but actually I think that at this age it's your job to give her guidance on what is scary and what isn't because that is how she will develop cognitive frameworks for what is a scary or anxiety inducing situation and what isn't. My approach was therefore to acknowledge her feelings 'i can see you're feeling worried' but give her a clear steer on whether it was appropriate 'but this is a show for children and we wouldn't let you watch anything that is too scary' or 'this club will be fun and there's no need to be worried about this'.

I think with time and experience it will subside. But I'd also consider other factors, if she's at school she may be tired and find extra curricular activities daunting for example.

There are some lovely childrens books you could read. From memory The Huge Bag of Worries is nice snd there is a 'what to do when you worry too much' book which has some little exercises you can work through together.

i dont think pushing children to do stuff they are anxious about makes them less anxious, unless you do some background work about labelling the feeling and then what you can do to help yourself with that feeling.

When my ds said he didn't want to go on a play date or watch something on TV, I just let him do what he wanted.

He didn't get a choice about meeting a new teacher etc, but outside of school, at 4 he could decide what he liked. I didn't push. He had confidence in me respecting his wishes.

For classes like swimming, I was always there with him until he was comfortable.

He's 14 now and completely chilled out.

Another saying it does get better - that was my DD, and we deliberately chose a working pattern that meant she didn't need after school care. I think playdates without me started a good bit later (year 1 at least) so she knew the families by that point.

We didn't use babysitters except in an emergency (and that had been when she was a baby, but she wasn't impressed!). The TV issues also sound similar.

DD is now 10. She will happily go to playdates where she doesn't know the family (she does know the child, obviously) and over the holidays went to her first group activity where she didn't know anyone in advance (it's hobby related). I couldn't have imagined her doing that in reception. She's also watched most of the Harry Potter movies. So things may well change for you.

Thank you, this advice is really helpful already.

@Fathercrossmas I think this sounds like a good tactic. I'll be compassionate but firm... Otherwise she will just end up missing out on doing things she will actually love all the time. Tiredness is definitely a factor for her but I am so conscious of this I never push things after school etc.

@MintJulia it is so good to hear he is chilled out now. It is the future I am worried about really so keen to do anything I can to help now!

My 4.5 year old is a lot like this, also very bright which I actually think contributes to it in a way, as he's very aware of lots of things and has the kind of brain that thinks and thinks and considers all possibilities.

He's had an anxious personality pretty much since birth. Too anxious to do very normal things like go on the bus, go in the swimming baths, even filling the bath too high used to make him anxious. New people, new situations, all very difficult, even very fun child-friendly things like pass the parcel. We saw a paediatrician and talked a bit with the nursery as there was a query of ASD (ruled out).

The advice was to gently encourage them to try things, but don't push too hard. Talk about things a lot beforehand, explore and validate feelings, discuss why things would/wouldn't be scary. Try not to say "that's not scary", but rather say e.g. "it makes you scared to go on the bus because... but I think you can do it." And what made the biggest difference for us was working on self-esteem. Lots of praise for what he could do, for what he tried to do, for being brave, for taking about how he felt, etc. And telling him "yes that's hard, but I know you can do hard things" and practising/problem solving together. He's really come on a lot

To be honest they all sound quite normal, 4 is still very young. I have found parents usually stay on play dates until year 1 unless the families know each other very well. Both of mine were scared of Peter Rabbit as well!!

The only time I have ever pushed my ds (and I realise all dcs are different) was for his PGL four day school trip in year 5 (so he was 9.5).

He initially said he didn't want to go, but I discussed it with him, and promised him I would go and fetch him on the first evening if he hated it. He loved it, and in year 6 he was the first on the bus.

It wasn't something I did lightly but I didn't want him to miss out and used my judgement. That's given him a bit more confidence in me.

When I think something is really important, I talk it through in advance, him used to an idea and provide a safety net.

If I recall correctly, at age 4 they might not be able to tell the difference between cartoons and real life too, I know my dd was distraught when I said that Rapunzel was a cartoon and not real, I hadn't considered it but she genuinely thought the animated woman was a real actress/person. So that can contribute towards the tv issue.

Interesting - I have a 4.5 year old who sounds very similar - very bright and quite anxious (though has actually improved massively since starting school). When he was at nursery they suggested he might have ASD (and I started a thread on here where hundreds of people said he probably did, got laughed at by the ed psych!) because he was unwilling to try new things and speak to other children.

He had never been in childcare before, had been very isolated over covid and is just a bit of a worrier. Over the last year though his confidence has come on leaps and bounds, he has made lots of friends and is now happy to participate in extra curricular activities and play dates without me. Fwiw he is in reception and pretty much all
of the parents are still attending play dates with the kids.

I think what has helped for him is a combination of acknowledging his feelings but also pushing him to do stuff (not ashamed to say that bribery works!). He feels a huge sense of achievement when he feels like he has overcome something and that then gives him confidence to take the next step. The self-esteem part is massive. Also talking lots about stuff beforehand and doing roleplay with dolls (eg having a doll scared to join in something - what would you say to encourage him? Etc).

Thank you for your helpful contributions everyone. Lots to reflect on.

@sunandfog How is your DD doing now? My DS is suddenly feeling quite anxious, he’s 4.5 now, and just wondering if this is a phase or if there’s anything I should be doing to help him…

@poppet131 Well it is half term and I am able to be on MN because she is happily doing a holiday camp today.

So I would say things have massively improved - in fact I don't think she is anxious any longer. She does still get more scared than most in films etc but that is improving too.

I think things that helped were:

• being firm that I wouldn't put her in any situation that wasn't intended to be fun/good for her.
• Listening to her fears but not letting her spiral into overthinking.
• Talking about examples of things I am nervous about (e.g. new class at gym, trying to make friends with other parents, losing at tennis - a lot of these scenarios invented!)
• Not attempting things when hungry, tired.
• Spending longer at school and just getting used to it. I see I mentioned in my OP I considered holding her back a year - I am SO glad I didn't. She is flying academically and I dread to think how lazy she would be if she had been in the year below and not challenged at all. Of course holding her back a year would have made the earlier years 'easier' but I am now of the opinion that facing challenges is crucial for character development and moulding a hard worker (unless there is something else developmental going on of course).

Probably not needed now, but one of the things that worked for my anxious primary age child was talking about the physical symptoms of worry. I think mine found the physical feeling quite overwhelming, but was reassured that the feeling is normal and will go away. We showed her how to do deep breathing and stretching to release the feeling. She's mid-teens and still feels anxious about a few things (not getting properly fed in new situations is high on the list!) but is much better now she has more control - both of herself and the world around her.