Single mum struggling with a newborn

[rosygirl13]

I’m just looking for advice / support really. Sorry this is going to be a really long one but I just have to rant.

I have a baby who’s 7 weeks old and I’m a single mum. When he was first born I found it so much easier and absolutely loved becoming a mum. I got into a routine pretty easily and didn’t feel like anything had changed in terms of being able to get things done / sleep, shower etc - in-fact I felt as if my life had improved and I was the happiest I’d ever been. Fast forward to when he was about 4 weeks old and this all changed. I now feel extremely down and like a prisoner.

I’d say this all started when I stopped being able to feed him enough of my breast milk. I was pumping enough for three feeds in one sitting but sadly the tiredness took over and I started supplementing with more formula milk. This meant my supply massively dropped and now I’m lucky to get 50ml every 4 hours.

He’s now pretty much on all formula apart from the odd ten minutes on the boob. He also started to show signs of a milk allergy and he completely changed into a different baby, screaming, not sleeping, a rash that hasn’t disappeared, baby acne, eczema. He’s now on prescription milk. I feel like an absolute failure for not being able to feed him like I wanted to. I also feel like a failure for not having the effort to try and boost my milk supply.

My baby now doesn’t sleep AT ALL throughout the night, he’s wide awake from 12pm / 1am - 8am / 9am every single night. This has been the case for three weeks now. Every time he drifts off, he wakes up twenty minutes later and I have tried EVERYTHING to change this. If anything it seems like he’s just staying awake longer the harder I try. Every night I cry my eyes out and get frustrated that this is now my life. I can’t get anything done during the day as this is when he sleeps and of course I sleep too as this is the only opportunity I get. He wakes up every two / three hours, and when I hear him crying I just cry and lay there knowing I have to feed him / change him and get him back to sleep to be able to sleep. It also takes him a lot of holding, patting and numerous putting down and picking back up to keep him asleep. The only time I have during the day is when he’s asleep but I need to sleep myself so of course I don’t have enough time to eat during the day, drink any water, do ANYTHING and it’s getting me down so much. In order to increase my supply I need to do these things but how can I with no sleep? I feel like a prisoner knowing if I need to do anything I have to sort him out first and get him to sleep which seems impossible or hold him when he’s awake which is not possible. He’s got the worst cradle cap all over his head and covering his eyebrows. It’s so bad it makes me feel like a complete failure. He’s covered in a rash that won’t disappear. Any milk he tries he just doesn’t get on with and he much prefers my boob but of course I can’t feed him enough which makes him even more upset and me. I’ve had appointments with the health visitor but I can’t make them because I’m sleeping throughout the day as I’ve had no sleep at night. I have no energy to leave the house to get anything done. I have no energy to go downstairs to wash his bottles and make them up. I don’t even have the energy to take him to the doctors which makes me feel like an even worse mum. I just have no energy whatsoever and feel like I can’t cope most of the time. I hate myself for not being able to take care of him properly. I live with my mum but she works from 5am and doesn’t get back till 6pm week days so I just find myself waiting until she gets back to be able to do anything and I can tell she’s annoyed with it. Can anyone give me some advice on how to cope with being a single mum? How to make night feeds easier? How to TRY and get him to sleep? How to treat the cradle cap? I’ve tried Loyon but after a bottle it’s still there.

I just don’t know what to do.

Oh god I remember feeling the same combination of frustration and failure and it's horrible. Sadly I have no experience with cradle cap or milk allergies but the sleep thing WILL get better. Do you have a bit of a bed time routine yet so he gets the idea of night time? A white noise machine really helped with mine.

Hang on in there. What support do you have?

Poor you and your poor baby, it does sound like he has allergies. I can’t help with the allergies but we were able to deal with a lot of thick cradle cap by letting it soak at bath time, and then while he’s wrapped in a towel, lifting it gently with a nit comb. The metal ones have more rounded tips so are kinder than the plastic . Only for a few minutes at a time but it did keep it under control.
Sleep deprivation is the worst, hang in there, it won’t always be this awful. 💐

Sorry this sounds so tough and I have no great advice except to say things like sleeping, being able to put them down etc get a bit easier as they get older.

Cradle cap...have you tried massaging on something like olive oil to soften it a bit and then gently rubbing with a cloth like a muslin. If you do this most days you start to rub it off/remove the dead skin. I just did it where it was obvious on DDS face/eyebrows. My understanding is cradle cap is a build up of dead skin so it's like gently exfoliating it.

So sorry to hear this.

I've been there and happy to pm or even swap numbers if you need someone to chat to.

My daughter is now 18 months but there's still some things that are just so hard on your own

For cradle cap please don't feel like a failure, nothing you do causes it and in my experience the only thing that fixes it is time, my baby's started clearing up at 6 months and was totally gone by 8 months. Tried loads to try and cure it and cradle cap shampoo (think one we used was called dermadex or something) helped to lesson it a bit but really there's no magic cure

For the rash he might have eczema which is commonly associated with cow milk protein allergy get him assessed ASAP and see if low level steroid creams can get it under control as that might be contributing to his sleep issues (again we had the exact same thing!) If it is a recurring problem or not easily controlled then push for a referral to pediatric dermatology as wait lists are LONG and it's best to get onto their radar ASAP as GPs are very limited in what they can prescribe for eczema in very young children

For breastfeeding and increasing your milk supply try contacting la leche league online, there is also a national breastfeeding helpline I used last year. Both can give you tips though the main tip I was given was the more time baby spends on the boob the more your body will increase production, even if they are suckling but getting nothing it will build your supply fast. You will find it easier to cope as a single mum if you can cut out the stress around feeding and just stick him on the boob whenever he needs it (also helps with getting them back yo sleep and no more faffing around with bottles!)

For your HV ask if they can do home visits. Maybe I have just been lucky but my HV has always been willing to offer home visits instead .

Really wishing you all the best, it sounds like you're having to deal with a lot of the same stuff I did and I can't say it wasn't hard

Feel free to reach out if you need to talk or if you have any questions

I promise it does get easier! The first few months are the hardest. Do you have any friends or family that could take the baby for a couple of hours to give you a break?

Get the frida baby flake fixer for the cradle cap. Used it three times on my little ones cap and it disappeared.

I really feel for you, this is so hard. You're doing an amazing job, truly. For the breastfeeding do you have a family hub locally? My one had a breastfeeding supporter from the breastfeeding network and she was a huge help. Are you able to feed lying down? If you can co-sleep safely (on a bed, no pillow or duvet etc) for day naps at least this might help both of you re-establish the feeding more and get more rest. You're right that you need to eat and drink plenty too - it's OK to let baby cry for a minute while you get a drink or use the loo! Huge hugs xx

It's tough. I didn't do it alone and my first was similar.to yours with the feeding / cradle cap.

First thing first... go and get yourself a drink. Do you have a big water bottle you can keep by you? Next get some food. Snacks if you have too. Do you have a carry cot you can stick in the coner of the kitchen whilst you male at least a sandwich or throw something in the oven. Once you've looked after yourself you will feel more able to cope believe me.

(Can your mum make up some food for you which you can just reheat or get you some ready meals or something? Or can you order from amazon or similar?)

So for baby - Fed is best - no matter how that is. Remember that. There is so much pressure to breastfeed I remember the failure feeling when I had to give up at 4 weeks with my dd. If baby has cmpa or some other allergy they are going to feel crap until you get on top of that. Work with your GP/health visitor to get that sorted. Get your health visitor to come to you if you cant get out. They should be checking up on you if you keep cancelling anyway.

On the breastfeeding - just put baby to boob EVERYtime they want feeding. They might not get much initially but they will boost your supply this way. Its really tough. But you will get there.

On the cradle cap - or cradle crap as we used to call it - if it isn't bothering baby ignore it. It will sort itself out. Or you can deal with it in a few weeks.

Everyone has crap weeks with small babies. Don't believe anyone who tells you they didn't. It just hits different babies at different points. You will get though this.

finally ...Keep talking there are loads of people here who will kep you going though the nights if need be... don't be alone. Take care.

Could you speak to a La Leche League leader, or an IBCLC (certified lactation consultant) about how you could increase your supply again? These people are honestly geniuses - worth their weight in gold - I'm sure they would be able to help! As you haven't completely stopped breastfeeding yet, there are techniques you can use to build your supply back up again, and if so many of the current challenges seemed to go back to reducing breastfeeding and your little one's allergy issues with formula, maybe this would be really worth trying.

I used an emollient, Oilatum Junior, on my baby's scalp and forehead.

For the scalp, when I bathed her, lather it on and use a baby brush on circular motions to loosen the flakes. Probably took 4 or 5 baths to pretty much get rid.

For the forehead, for about 2 weeks I put it on thickly every time I fed her (the side not touching my chest) and when she was asleep and that cleared up really well too.

I do the above intermittently now to keep it at bay.

Good luck OP, it's really not easy 🌻

Hey lovely I’m a first time mum and I kind of single parent even still being with her dad we just don’t live together most of the time as we have our own places.

it is so very hard so hard. Do you live on your own or are you with family?

i remember feeling exactly like you amazing great at first like life couldn’t be better. Then my partner started doing things without me leaving me home and going to do all the things I used to go do. It sent me crazy and I told him how wrong he was.

it isn’t just you, you’ve created a beautiful baby but your mourning and loosing a part of your old self and creating a new one. Your unable to just pop to a shop or go wherever. You can’t even shower anymore without worrying about the baby waking or what not.

dont be hard on yourself just take it day by day week by week and i can promise you it’ll get easier and better I’m laying here now with a 1yo in her cot next to me and I know life will only get better from
here for me. She can start going places she will take it in etc and it’ll happen for you.

my baby did
sleep through the night and now doesn’t and I think for the last 6 months I’ve had one full nights sleep apart from the nights I’ve not had her. They hit alot of regressions and teething doesn’t help.

its very normal and natural for the way you feel and some days you’ll feel like your on top of the world and some days you don’t. I went through this aboht 4 days ago where I was so sad and then I come through the other side. Remember health visitors and your gp will offer you help if these feelings persist or become post natwl
depression and please never be ashamed and also IAPT they get you in quicker if you’ve had a baby and will help you through things.

i can tell your a great mum by just how worried you are and the facd you’ve reached out you wouldn’t need to tell
me that. Just keep going you will find your rhythm again and just speak out to anybody that’s around you.

Thank you everyone for your replies. It honestly means so much to know I’m not alone in this. For the past two weeks before every feed I put him on the breast and he suckles until he’s drained whatever is in them. He won’t stay on as there’s nothing left and quite obviously starving so I then give him a bottle. He then drinks a full 120ml bottle so he’s not getting much breast milk as that’s his usual amount to drink! I still haven’t noticed an increase in my supply but I suppose I need to be eating and drinking enough as well. It was only on Christmas Eve I realised he had a milk allergy and instantly started him on the SMA soya formula (I know this isn’t recommended, but I couldn’t speak to a GP) he done amazing on this and his symptoms reduced dramatically. The GP then prescribed formula which is broken down milk and of course he flared up again. He just started on the prescription completely milk free formula yesterday and hasn’t taken to it well. I also will have to go dairy free as when I feed him breast milk his symptoms flare up if I’ve eaten something containing milk. I do have family members but the issue is, they gave me a lot of support in the first few weeks when it wasn’t needed. Now he’s older, no one really bothers anymore. I also feel rude asking for support as everyone is busy, and I feel like I didn’t have a child for someone else to raise if you see what I mean. Thank you for the suggestions with the cradle cap, because it’s so bad I feel like everyone is just constantly judging as it’s so noticeable :(

I just feel so angry about my whole journey into motherhood to be honest. I had the worst most difficult pregnancy, an induced late term labour that ended in a c section, I couldn’t breast feed like I planned, my child doesn’t sleep and on top of that he also has a milk allergy. I just feel like nothing is ever easy for me and there’s just been problems after problems. I’m angry that I had a baby with someone who’s a complete narcissistic gas lighter and will never understand how hard it’s been but believes he could do this job 24/7!! I’m just angry at everyone to be honest!!!

Also, what is the best way to prep bottles for the night feeds? Do I buy two flasks for cold boiled water and boiled water and keep them next to my bed with the bottles and formula? But then how do I know how much cold water to put in with the hot water?x

If your baby prefers the breast then he is getting more than you think. Seven weeks is not too late to go back to exclusive feeding if that’s what you want to do.

Get a sling and keep him in it as often as possible.

Forget about everything other than the absolute minimum. Wash one plate and one fork. Just change your pillowcase and not the bed. Brush your teeth but stuck your hair up in a bun…

Go out once a day for fresh air and necessities and then climb back in to bed topless. Feed baby any time he’ll take it. You will up your supply quickly.

The cradle cap will go. You can use a bit of olive oil to lift it. The Frida mom comb is good. Don’t worry about it though. It’s not a big deal.

You’ll be ok. These days are the longest but they’ll be behind you soon.

As a side note, I’m really confused as to where all this pumping advise has come from. It used to be what you did of your needed to go somewhere and leave your baby and now it’s just a standard thing from the outset. It actually ruins BF. I haven’t seen one person not have to combine with formula after a few months. You’re definitely not the only one in this situation.

Just read your update;

if you BF & he pulls away and doesn’t want to go back on it’s because he’s full. He will drain the bottle after because his instinct is to suck. The milk is just flowing into his mouth and he swallows. It doesn’t mean that he is still hungry. Other than him taking the bottle why do you think he isn’t getting enough?.

You sound like you're doing brilliantly. Honestly when we first had DD I was suddenly in awe of single mums as it's SO hard raising a newborn. You say you don't want to ask for help because you want to be the one raising him, but in the early stages mum's health and sanity is VERY important so please do reach out to family. You need to be able to rest and if you don't have that support from a partner you need to ask for it from elsewhere, for your sake but also your baby's.

Definitely second the advice to get outside every day (while the sun is out). It will make you feel more energised and is good for your mental health. It will also help your baby learn day and night, which will eventually start them sleeping at night.

As for cradle cap, apparently oil does wonders for it. I wouldn't worry about it with such a young baby. I know it looks a bit crusty but it's natural and normal. When baby is older, try using a nit comb in the bath - I was amazed with how well it worked!

I found the newborn stage the worst (PPD), but every week they get older they learn new things and start to develop little personalities. My DD is 3 and I've found each age better than the last. You've got this!

When he’s full from breast milk (which is when he won’t finish the remaining 20ml or so of the bottle and cries for the boob) He will fall asleep and naturally unlatches. It’s the same with the bottle, or he refuses to take anymore and turns his face up. He then will fall asleep. But with just breastfeeding no formula, he just continually shakes his head and sort of fusses his face away if you understand? He gets quite angry and waves his legs and arms around in frustration too. I also will be able to hear him swallowing the milk when he’s first put on, but within about five / ten minutes or so he’s just suckling. I then offer him a bottle and he wolfs it down quite literally. He won’t ever take milk if he’s not hungry x

Thank you! With the day and night thing, I know to open the curtains etc to let them establish night and day but that’s not really an option when I’m sleeping during the day with him. I think I’m just going to have to do this and push through, along with leaving the house regardless if I’ve had no sleep. Otherwise how will it ever get better if I don’t try!! God it’s insane how sleep can have such an effect on everything 🤣

I had a baby that wouldn't sleep and wouldn't be put down. It was literally hell on earth. It got so bad at one point that I picked him up out of his cot with this urge to shake him quiet. I didn't do it but I vividly remember standing holding him with my hands full of tremors and then putting him down and sobbing in the corner of the room.

Do you have a wrap for the baby? That helps because they are quieter if they are being carried. I used to go on long walks with earphones in and he'd sleep for hours.

White noise, very loud can help settle them. As loud as a hoover.

If he won't settle, a good long hard back rub can help. Especially if it's tummy cramps keeping him up.

Keep snacks and drinks next to you. Even if you are only eating biscuits and drinking pop, it's still calories and fluid.

Give up on cleaning. Buy paper plates and disposable knives and forks. Big tubs are great to throw things in in lieu of cleaning.

Try a dummy if you can. Mine wouldn't take one for several months but it was a blessing when he did.

Warm up where he's going to sleep before you put him down. Pop a hot water down to warm his spot and then take it away. They startle more easily if they're cold.

Good sleepwear helps. The little sleeping bags you can get for them to wear keep them cosy.

If you need to take five minutes, do. If you are getting very stressed, baby will be ok if you take five minutes to lock yourself in the bathroom and take some deep breaths. Pop him somewhere safe obviously.

You must look after yourself so do not ever feel guilty about that. You put the mask on yourself first in a plane crash, remember that.

If you are finding that you are feeling very hopeless and down, you must speak to your GPs receptionist and say you need some help. I needed antidepressants myself as I was getting suicidal ideation from lack of sleep. This is really important because mums can often convince themselves that they're no good if they need help, but that is depression talking. I put off doing this for far too long and let myself get into a right state before I got help.

And remember this the hardest thing that most of us will go through in our lifetime. I only have one because I found it that intense. There's a lot of rubbish on the media about smiling happy mums and tiny dozing babies. The reality is often crying mums with chaotic hair and unwashed clothes with red faced screaming babies. I don't know if anyone would enjoy that. You're not a failure because you're going to keep going, you're going to keep that baby alive (that's all you need to do), and you are a good mother.

The flow of the bottle is much faster. He’s used to that now so is likely irritated once the fast flow of letdown is over. When he grizzles offer him the other side(even if he’s had both) and see if you can stimulate a second let down.
walk around as you do to try to distract him a bit. I think the gulping you can hear is at the point of letdown. Remember bottles don’t work the same way so he is always gulping.

Commit to dropping one bottle at a time. preferably one that you give at a time when you still have a bit of life in you. Keep on with the witching hour ones for now. Make sure the bottles all have slow teats. Ones for prem babies have very slow flow teats.

Try feeding him laying down. This is a life saver for me and has worked to improve my supply and allow me some rest. Night feeding is most important for supply.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. Don't be concerned at all about the cradle cap, there's nothing physically wrong! You need to be kind to yourself and try look after yourself cause if you're not OK then baby won't be OK. As others have said try to eat and drink, shower and get out for walks. I have a little rocker that I pop baba into and drag into the bathroom with me when I need to shower. If they cry, they cry - they'll be fine for a few minutes!

Speak to your GP/HV about how you're feeling. Absolutely ask for help, it's the hardest time of your life. Is there any groups near you that you could attend?

Re prepping bottles for nighttime - I have the Tommy Tippee perfect prep machine and it's been a lifesaver. I have just the one machine out in the kitchen (I'm in an apartment) but my friend has one downstairs for daytime and one in her bedroom for night feeds

Just came across your post op and wanted to say i hope you are doing ok and baby is settling better for you

For preparing bottles I use the Tommee Tippee perfect prep machine. You might be able to pick one up on FB market place or eBay perhaps. They make the milk to the perfect temperature, no need to separately boil water or wait for milk to cool etc.

Good luck. Having a baby is brutal. Sounds like you are doing great!

OP, did it get better for you? I read your post and I could have written it myself. I am struggling to cope so bad. I live with my mum but she barely helps even though when I was pregnant she promised she would so I've got a 4 month old baby that barely sleeps and needs constant stimulation. I feel like a shell. I know your post is old but I hope to hear from you and see if your situation improved.