DD8 has no hobbies or interest in anything

[NCOfCourse12345]

I know...know, this post may cause some pearl clutching. It's more about my perception than advice-seeking how to inflict personality changes on a child.

Should I be disturbed that my DD(age 8) has no interest in anything? She can't look at a book without being bored. Won't play with plethora of amazing toys inherited from her brothers. If I engage with her, she will play for 10 mins before moving on. I even got her Lego Friends out of desperation, she just let her Lego-loving brother build for her. She is not hyper-academic but getting through the school without much issues, praised by school for being compliant.

She isn't even some dominant extrovert who wants to play with people all the time.

All she wants is to tag along with friends and watch TV/computer (restricted activities), all very passive apart from occasionally scrawling unremarkable unicorns on paper. Even interest in make up or something would be amazing at this point!

Yours sincerely,
Failing Soft Tiger Mum

It's not really a recent phase, it's been almost a year for the variants of this:

Her: I am bored, can I have remote control.
Me: Boredom is the mother of inventions. Go find something, learn playing with your brain!

I feel your despair ... I have a 10 year like this.. the ONLY thing he wants to do is game and watch TV. He has 'hobbies' art, musical theatre but refuses point blank to do anything to do with these outside of his classes. He has ASD and is VERY black and white in that art happens at art, musical theatre happens at musical theatre. We gave up.on instruments as he would not touch it outside of lessons... more than just not wanting to practice. I'm not sure how I ended up with the ASD child with zero special interests !!

When you say you engage with her and she'll join in for ten minutes before moving on, are you sitting beside her talking about what she is doing or are you joining in? If you are just commenting on the lego as she puts it together, it might feel like she is under pressure to impress or entertain you - perhaps you should do it together "you do this bit, I'll do this bit... lets see who can build the best tiger...." Read books a page each in turn, paint alongside her, any small toys you ask their names and lots of questions about them to get the game started. Sometimes kids saying they are bored is really wanting to connect.

She perhaps lacks a bit of initiative, but you can proactively give her ideas and as she grows she will have all these ideas in her head as options. So when she draws a unicorn, you expand the activity - does she want to try painting it in? Maybe recreate in in play doh or fimo, perhaps you could draw out boxes so she expands the unicorn into a comic or story strip. There are a lot of "how to draw" tutorials on Youtube, that might interest her post-unicorn.

Some kids need a little more direction to see how many options there are in the world and lack confidence to try things without the reassurance from a parent that it's a good idea. She's only 8, she'll find her way, but it wouldn't hurt to lead her a little more to get her going.

Neither of my kids have proper hobbies, although to be fair me and DH don't either!

DD16 is ASD/ADHD and cannot possibly participate in anything that would impinge on gaming/TikTok/Netflix time. DD13 used to do dance and musical theatre classes before lockdown but now struggles with social anxiety and has given these up, which I'm really sad about but have to accept it's her choice.

This is why we forced outdoor hobbies onto DD at that age (6/7 yrs old) ie horse riding, paddleboarding and swimming. Things that involved fresh air and physical exercise but also things we had to take her to so she couldn't get out of doibg them 🤣. She is now 11 and still does them all of her own volition.

I think at 8 it felt like my job to tell my mum ‘I’m bored!!!!’ occasionally alternating with ‘I’m hungry!!!!!’

Well done not just giving in and handing over the screen. Be patient. Take the unicorns and encourage more and see what comes of it!

This is insightful and on point about needing to connect, deep down we all know we have to make concerted effort to engage and that takes time, even if we are busy FT. She's the youngest and I'm already used to her brothers not needing much to get carried with their interests.

This is my perspective as a teacher but not a parent - It’s not uncommon at that age to go through the ‘I’m bored’ stage but for some kids it sticks into teen years and it’s best to avoid that as they become a bit lethargic and unmotivated.

Since she tags along with friends, do any of them do extra curricular activities that she could also do? It might sound more appealing to her if her friends enjoy it

You mentioned quite a few activities that are inside, getting outside has lots of benefits so perhaps try to some fun walks, swimming, bike rides etc.

An idea jar might help, work with her to come up with some ideas of things to do (I imagine you’ll be leading the activity at first but prompt her to come up with some ideas too), try to have some collaborative ones like board games, or mummy daughter Starbucks date and some where she could do them alone, write them down and put them in a jar. Next time she comes to you to say she is bored encourage her to pick from the jar.

Also at 8 I think most children are mature enough to have a proper conversation about why they can’t just sit on their phones, the link between screen time and poor mental health, lower grades etc. Not to scare her obviously but to help her see why you restrict her. She might start to make better choices on her own if she has more understanding.

Yep, ASD with special interests - myth busted here, I feel you!

I think I've calmed down a bit about my son's gaming once I've seen it doesn't interfere too much with their secondary schoolwork responsibilities (and other activities). But, yes, at 10 gaming was all he was interested in.

Yes I have reached the point if I don't do anything about it, she will be one of those adult ending up sitting on forums fulltime speculating about Youtubers' personal lives!

Nice ideas there incl the jar idea, I know I need to accept I have to take more time out of work to actively engage with her and that it's a long process.

Children typically don’t like playing alone or entertaining themselves without other children, especially on the long term. What they need is a lot of socialisation and hanging out with other kids of a similar age. Even if they have hobbies, they don’t really like to do these alone. At least not for long. They learn so much from each other, much more than we adults realise. Maybe this is what she wants to do, just hang out with other kids and play. She is only 8 and feels pressured to have a hobby which you want her to do in isolation.
You mention reading. Reading is good but it’s quite a lonely activity too.
You mention she has brothers but they are probably older than her and might not have a lot in common anyway when it comes to playing and hobbies.
I wouldn’t worry about developing hobbies just now, just let her mingle with other kids and the rest will follow. There’s nothing children enjoy more than playing with other kids. If I were you I would focus on that.

Just to add, if you play with her, it doesn’t really count. Kids want to play with other kids, not really grown ups. They are not on the same level and outlook on life. Both of you will get bored eventually this way. Do you REALLY enjoy getting down on your knees and play sylvanian families or Lego with kids? You only do it to connect with her and stave off her boredom. She will get bored too because she is doing it with an adult. But if she does it with another kid(s) she’ll be doing it for hours.