Toddler missing step-sister

[SnookyPook]

Hi all,

Just looking for input and ideas from others who have blended/step-families. My little one will be 2 at the end of this month. He has a 12yr old stepsister and they completely adore each other which is so lovely. The problem is that of course she divides her time between our house and her Mum's house and he is increasingly finding it difficult to process her comings and goings. He does brilliantly and gives kisses and cuddles goodbye etc but I can see that he struggles a bit. He has similar issues sometimes with Dad who works lots of difficult shifts at the hospital so again lots of unpredictable comings and goings.

I know this is something he just has to learn to adapt to. We currently try and handle it by validating feelings "I know it's horrible when someone we love has to go away isn't it, but they will come back soon to see us again".

I just wondered if there is anything specific anyone else has done to help with this scenario? His language is coming on well but he's not yet able to have discussions about feelings / extended narratives (though I talk 'at' him around these issues (age-appropriately) as he definitely has more comprehension than he can produce). We are trying to establish a more regular pattern with Sis as currently it is a bit ad-hoc when she comes and we think a more obvious routine might help him. Then I guess maybe we could also do some kind of visual calendar, though again I think he's a bit too little still at the moment to get much from that.

Anyway, just curious to hear others experiences and whether anyone has any ideas I haven't considered!

Thank you! ☺️

We found that it helped for DD to see where DSD lived with her mum at this age; we were fortunate that on one occasion DSDs mum invited us in to her home when DSD was 2 (I say fortunate as I know for some parents this isn’t an option) and then she felt more settled knowing where DSD was. If that’s not an option then does your DD know what her house looks like from the outside and would that help? And to see the immediate area? If DD was missing her sister we’d talk about maybe she was at the park that we knew was at the end of her road.
As he gets older there are lots of books about different types of families which help too.

Thanks for this! He has seen the outside of her house as we sometimes walk to pick her up (she's only a few streets away). He also sees her Mum sometimes and their car when they pick-up/drop-off so he is aware of this other bit of her life. That's an interesting thought RE looking round her other house/seeing her bedroom etc. It could be an option. We're not super close with her Mum but it's all pretty civil and I think she is also happy that DSD has a little brother whom she adores. I'm pretty sure that she'd welcome him in for a look round. Before my son was born we were invited in a couple of times when DSD wanted to show us things. 🤔 Thanks for the idea!

My step kids lived hours away so all we could do was not make too much of a fuss at goodbyes and show photos when little ones were asking after them. It was a passing phase here of repeatedly asking where X was. It didn't really work trying to have a routine by that point because teenagers came and went whenever.

Two things- don't make a big fuss of goodbyes, make a big fuss of hello's instead.

Use a transition object. Get a key ring or a cushion with a photo of SD on it. She gives it to him so he can see/hug/kiss her when she isn't there.

Thank you... Yes I see your point re routines. It may be easier just to accept things as they are and work around! Hopefully it will be a phase that we can get through fairly quickly.

@Jobsharenightmare Thank you - great ideas!

Sorry got confused with who I was replying to...
@picklemewalnuts great ideas - thanks!

And helpful thoughts
@Jobsharenightmare

Aww bless him. He is only so small, he probably understands on the surface that big sister is going to be with her mummy, but he doesn’t fully comprehend why she can’t stay with him.

Could he maybe be encouraged to express his feelings in other ways? Like ‘oh you want big sis? Aww she’s not here today, shall we make a picture for her and leave it in her room?’ Maybe he could even have a photo of her/the family in his own bedroom to look at when he wants. I bet it means so much to her to know how she’s missed and thought about when she’s not at at her dad’s house.

Quick question, is it his stepsister or his half sister? Just because you mention ‘dad’ working at the hospital. If these two children share a dad they’re not step siblings!

As he gets older he will understand that this is how his family is and that DSD will come back.
Toddlers are still learning about separation and it's not always easy.
I think the idea of making more fuss about her arriving is nice. Maybe if he can understand a concept about how long it will be before she comes back that might help too?

@Kanaloa sorry you are quite correct! They are siblings - she is my stepdaughter. I had a bad night last night and my brain hasn't fully clicked in!

You are right about him having different levels of understanding of the issue. I like the idea of doing a picture to leave in her room. He often wanders in there to look round when she isn't with us. Maybe if I could introduce the concept. Of leaving her something to find when she gets back he would enjoy that ☺️

@Beamur thank you. Yes I like the fuss on return idea (they usually do this themselves anyway tbh!) I'm not sure he can grasp concepts of length of time yet but as you say, it's quite early days and it will click into place more as he gets older I'm sure.

Oh ok 😂 I only asked as I thought if he’s only nearly two and has a new stepdad and stepsister plus his own dad, it’s no wonder he’s feeling upside down!

When he’s a bit bigger he’ll understand it more and will realise she goes away but will always come back. I suppose in one way it’s a blessing because he obviously loves his big sister!

He's not too young for a visual calendar if you keep it very simple. Also could your step daughter leave a scarf or bag or something that is hers with him when she leaves so he knows she will come back. Or a soft toy to take care of while she is not there.

What about if you bought two toys, like bears but anything would do - say they are sister and brother (like the children are) and DSD takes the little brother bear with her and the big sister bear stays with your DS? To keep each other company when DSD is at her Mum's house.