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Original poster

Single mom and really struggling to manage my girls together.

9 replies

AliceBarefoot · 04/01/2023 09:30

Hi there,

I'm currently living on my own with my two beautiful girls, age 8 and 3. We have a great relationship and there's lots of love, but every day there is either a meltdown between the three of us, or a huge physical fight between the two of them. Either I lose my temper, or they do, and it's getting unbearable. Especially in the morning.

When I'm trying to get them both ready for school and nursery on time, it just feels impossible. They seem to fight me every-step-of-the-way and my nerves are in tatters. I end up not being able to think straight and just panicking and just feeling like a complete and utter failure. And then the anger comes in.

I do really need some help on how to manage and shift the dynamic between the three of us. I should be able to cope with things and things should be so much easier.

Any tips or advice on reading material would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance :)

Helen xxx

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 04/01/2023 09:34

Maybe divide and rule? Can you leave one, and deal with one at a time in the morning? Do they have separate rooms? Maybe go into their rooms one at a time to organise and dress each one? Or if they are sharing a room, maybe take them out of the room one at a time to sort them out, calmly and with chat?

napody · 04/01/2023 09:40

Sympathy. Single mum too and there seems to be phases when 'fight me every step of the way' seems the default. Mornings OK though .. I think partly as the 8 year old would hate to be late for school! Would yours? If so time to start letting them- you could even give the teacher a heads up that you are spending a week letting them get themselves ready and to feel free to tut at them when they come in late! Feel free to ignore this idea if it's not for you. Lots of little things help- clothes and breakfast things out, son eats a slice of toast on the way in as he's a slow eater so I only give him a small bowl of cereal. All dressed before you go downstairs. I'll have a think to see if any resources or books come to mind.

napody · 04/01/2023 09:44

Oh and you are being hard on yourself with 'I should be able to cope with things'- it is difficult! It's lovely you say you have a great relationship with lots of love- 5 minutes having fun together each day .. dancing or whatever, makes a big difference to us. And separate bedtime story and catch up at bedtime although I know by then you're on your knees with tiredness.

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Original poster
AliceBarefoot · 04/01/2023 09:50

napody · 04/01/2023 09:44

Oh and you are being hard on yourself with 'I should be able to cope with things'- it is difficult! It's lovely you say you have a great relationship with lots of love- 5 minutes having fun together each day .. dancing or whatever, makes a big difference to us. And separate bedtime story and catch up at bedtime although I know by then you're on your knees with tiredness.

Thank you so much for all this! I do try and make time for fun and let them have as much fun as possible. I just can't believe I don't have it together yet, I've been on my own with them in the mornings for a year maybe? My eldest hates being late, so I really try hard not to let her be...but perhaps a hard lesson might help. I just feel she's been through a lot already with her dad's and my dynamic (stressful to say the least) I just want her to have a calm peaceful life. And I do too. I do lay her things out most of the time, sometimes I forget...it just feels like a jumble most days...is this the same for every single mom?

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceBarefoot · 04/01/2023 09:51

Thank you this is super helpful. They do have their own rooms. Perhaps I need to dress them first before breakfast...it might help rather than breakfast, then getting dressed.

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 04/01/2023 09:58

Bribes, bribes and more bribes.
You also need to try to change your mindset (easier said than done) but fake it until you make it. Be soo cheery you make yourself feel sick! Slow wake ups, clothes out ready for them, toothpaste already on the tooth brush and a dance party (celebration/reward) once it’s done. Start encouraging some independence with the older one. Tell them at every opportunity it’s going to be a good morning!

Original poster
AliceBarefoot · 04/01/2023 10:06

Okay this is a great idea! I'll try that tomorrow. Positive mindset work :)

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 04/01/2023 10:20

I think you are probably stressed so perhaps some self care for you so you don't get ratty with them. Could you get up 30 mins earlier for a stretch/yoga routine? Or exercise at another time could help with MH.

Talk to your 8 yo, she's old enough to have a conversation about what time you need to leave and ask her how long she needs in the bathroom, to get dressed and eat breakfast etc.

Prep as much as you can. Get your 3 yo to chose her outfit the night before, set out school uniform, lunches, put out breakfast bowls, cereal, cups etc.

napody · 04/01/2023 10:27

Ibouncetothebeat · 04/01/2023 09:58

Bribes, bribes and more bribes.
You also need to try to change your mindset (easier said than done) but fake it until you make it. Be soo cheery you make yourself feel sick! Slow wake ups, clothes out ready for them, toothpaste already on the tooth brush and a dance party (celebration/reward) once it’s done. Start encouraging some independence with the older one. Tell them at every opportunity it’s going to be a good morning!

I love this advice! Once you're on a positive run it's so much easier to maintain that... its the initial change that is hard.
It struck me OP what you said about wanting them to have a calm peaceful life and protect them from stresses... that is so understandable but that extra pressure raises the stakes, if you're thinking getting a bit cross is a disaster for them. You are doing a great job, you're there for them and the odd raised voice isn't the end of the world. I hope you are looking after yourself?

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