4YO screaming tantrums, help :(

[WoodenStackingRainbow]

Getting increasingly concerned with a nearly four-year-old who has been behaving like he is two for the last couple of months. Only child, I'm not pregnant, no major life disruptions, happy loving family and same weekly routine since he was a year old. Week is split between me, GPs and pre-school. Issues exacerbated by Xmas no doubt but were pre-existing. Some examples:

• Total screaming meltdowns over getting dressed for the day or for bed and cleaning teeth. Totally capable of dressing himself - refuses even when allowed to pick own clothes. If not screaming then running off. This is any day of the week even if we're doing something he wants. These rages seem to spiral and spiral to the point where this morning he screamed at me for opening the curtains downstairs instead of putting on the lights.
• Still legs it across car parks if not restrained. Doesn't want to hold hands so often end up in a drag walk scenario. He's too heavy to carry.
• We've got passes for a local attraction that he loves. Went with friends last week and by 20 minutes in he was a total state. He was hot, he was cold, he was tired (he'd had 10 hours sleep), he wanted to go home, he was hungry, he wanted a drink from the cafe we'd just left after saying he didn't want one. Lying on the floor, kicking screaming, fell in mud, got dirty, cried more. It just spiralled and spiralled to the point of being uncontrollable.

I previously would have said he was a delight to spend time with, but he's draining and I'm struggling not to lose my temper some days because the whinging and tantrums feel constant. We do our best not to give in. In the examples above he is always made to get dressed and leave the house. We didn't leave the attraction last week when he wanted, I refused to carry him, he has toys confiscated if he mistreats them etc. But doesn't seem to help. He behaves well at pre-school and has friends and he behaves for GPs. He is always given multiple warnings about leaving places, getting ready etc. And also always told behavior expectations when we're going places.

Just feeling quite sad and defeated.

I have an almost 4yo and I feel your pain, and quite honestly from all of my friends i think everyone has found the Xmas period pretty tricky with young ones. it has been mainly around Christmas and the change of routine for my lad though, as in he’s quite tired and overwhelmed etc.

I’m not an expert but I think at this age they want to exert independence and have some power. So what works for us is talking through the steps of the day first thing, always giving a choice where possible, letting him be part of decisions (but decisions that don’t really matter such as what coat / shoes to wear etc). We also try not to sweat the small stuff and try to stay calm, the more wound up we get the worse he gets. When he starts getting upset about something one of just scoops him up and takes him somewhere quiet to let it out and calm down. We’ve got a couple of good books on emotions etc which we read at bedtime. Related consequences to his actions (so throws a toy the toy goes away etc)

it’s not easy but he seems ok most of the time, unless he’s tired! i’m sure you do all this already. You’re not alone, it’s a tricky age I think!

We have a Disney oral B app and electric toothbrush for toothbrushing which has been a game changer for us.

@Abouttimemum thanks so much for your reply. It's tough and there's no let up. Picked him up from pre-school this evening, lovely and chatty. Two minutes later he's screaming bloody murder because I won't give him chocolate for dinner.

I wonder whether some books about emotions might be a good idea, like you say. We do try to encourage talking about feelings but maybe a book would be more helpful. Will have a look at the toothbrushing app as well.

I know, it’s like walking on egg shells!
I’d recommend Big Little Feelings on Instagram, they have some great tips on their website and some good reels to look through, and it’s really insightful to understand where their little brains are coming from.

We often put ‘dessert’ on his plate with his tea. Last night he wanted some jelly beans (not helpful that we haven’t put his stocking away yet!) so my DH just had him put them on his own plate with his mince and dumplings, and he did eat a couple but honestly ate the rest of his tea too. That’s one of the tips from big little feelings - it’s that all food is just food so they stop thinking of things as treats etc and it takes away those battles. It does work but it takes a while to integrate!

it’s a bloody minefield ha

Ahhh the fournager like a mini teenager. As PP said it’s about pushing boundaries and independence. We have found saying would you like to put these shoes on or these shoes, basically give them a choice of what you actually want to happen so they feel like they are in control.

We had a full blown melt down the other day and I said no pudding after lunch and I stuck to my guns (my LO loves puddings) then the next day they kept saying I’m being good so I can have a pudding. Definitely try to find something you can do a consequence with, doesn’t work all the time.

This book is recommended a lot on mumsnet but I found it great - how to talk so little kids listen and listen so little kids talk. Basically it says to make everything (where possible) a game. So in the car park tell him if you hold his hand you become Jellyfish and you wobble back to the car together (or something similar).

If I make something silly it sometimes stops dds moaning in its tracks and she wants to join in. It's bloody hard work but it does work for us.

Currently to make her go to the loo I am pretending to wrestle the blow up dinosaur away from the toilet door so he doesn't peek at her 🤷‍♀️. This is a pain but she sits on the loo with no fuss if I do it. Makes her giggle loads too ☺️

My DD went through this phase and still does occasionally. Preschool did lots of 1:1 work with her around her emotions and making good and bad choices which we also did at home and it made a huge difference. Could you speak to the preschool to support you in a similar way?

I spent a small fortune on a series of emotions books, and they've been brilliant:

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1406250473?ref_=cm_sw_r_apan_dp_2RD4TPXMBQN5TTTZY6G8

It's exhausting but all the effort will be worth it!

Just ordered all 3 books to add to our emotions collection ha

@Nicewarmfeet I know everytime I get impatient I should be making it a game but my God after a day of screaming it's so difficult to muster the energy!! My DP is so good at it though. I did manage to convert a whinge this morning into a running game.

@Shemovesshemoves21 pre-school have those books in their library!! I'll see if I can borrow them.

Sorry for replying late and thanks for all suggestions. Has been another long and tiring day. 🫠

Oh gawd I know what you mean it really wears you out. I certainly don't manage it all the time but it can work sometimes.

Hopefully everything is a phase and this shall pass soon xx

I'm rather starting to suspect it's all a phase until they leave home 🤣😬

It's such a fun age, but definitely exhausting. If all kids were exactly the same, it would be a little easier. Alas, not so. You might find this book helpful, How To Tame Temper Tantrums Without Throwing One Yourself. It's kind of direct and to the point, but there is a bit of humour along with it that I appreciated. In spite of all the effort (perhaps because of it?), it sure is worth it to see them through these stages and gaining the skills to control their emotions. Having that mum and daughter relationship is something I'll always treasure more than almost anything.