Talk to me about toddler sleep. Where are we going wrong?

[HappinessAlley]

We have a 21 month old DD. Getting to sleep has been a problem for a while (although staying asleep not a problem). Our daily sleep schedule goes something like this (this was yesterday)

7.30 DD wakes up
1.30 - 2.30 afternoon nap (struggles to just go down to bed, but often some tears or a walk in the pram)
6.30 dinner
7.00 play, bath (every other night)
7.30 into bedroom, pyjamas, book, milk, stories
8.00 put in bed, then tears, “NO!!”, more stories, try again, tears, no.
8.45 tantrum continuing, try story again
9.00 carry to dd to bed, story, tears
9.30 falls asleep after exhausting herself

honestly, the bit from 8 to 9.30 is a real pain, and exhausting. She fights going to bed on her own.

We tell her we love her, tomorrow is a new day. Otherwise she’s a cheerful girl but sleep is a real problem.

Where are we going wrong? Is it just a phase that happens to toddlers. All the advice about creating a routine, that’s what we’ve done from 6.30 to 8.00.

any advice gratefully received.

Would you advise that when she's crying, we sit quietly with her but be firm? I see that overtiredness could well be the problem.

Get her up earlier (hard, I know) and maybe earlier nap if you can? My youngest DD is 26 months, she is always awake by 6.30 and bedtime is hard if she's up any later.

Does sound quite like overtiredness to me. An earlier (easier said than done I know) and perhaps longer nap might help.

And an earlier dinner too (mine had a hot meal at lunchtime at that age so got a fairly basic evening tea as quickly as I could physically get it on the table after work)

Then definitely with bedtime, agree the number of stories at the outset and don't cave. 15 minutes for book/milk/cuddles with lights on is plenty.
You don't have to leave her alone to cry if she's really upset, but very minimal interaction. Lights off, no conversation, just sit quietly or shush gently and hold her hand or pat her back maybe.

Yes be firm you've said goodnight l, one get up no it's bedtime second get up just lie back down. Sit with her gentle hand on her but no eye contact or cuddles no talking....I take a drink and an audio book on headphones. Expect an hour or so of sitting to start with.....don't give in or it will be two the next night. I've supported numerous families over the years it works if you really stick to it. Day 2 and 3 can be harder as lo knows ....but I'm the morning all is normal they love you just as much honestly.