toddler hitting baby

[choccyporcupine]

21m dd and 2 week old baby. since coming home toddler has gone between being very loving to very nasty with her. she will come over and ask to kiss baby, so i let her kiss the top of her head, asks for a hug from her etc etc. most of the time she will leave it at that and walk away, but sometimes she will do the hug/kiss/etc business and then suddenly claw at her face. it happens so fast i can’t stop or predict it. today she has done it about 8 times so i’m having to just say no you can’t come near baby which i feel will just make her more jealous and more likely to want to hit her. she also keeps throwing things at her like toys and books.

any advice please? i know it’s still all very new for her but starting to get embarrassing and upsetting having a newborn who has scratches etc down her face.

Gentle hands technique and get her involved in caring for the baby. Ask her for nappies, etc - special jobs. Depending on her understanding though, as at this age all she can see is this little thing that's come along and stolen her mummy. Try not to get cross with her, it's really difficult I know, but her entire world has been shattered. She will grow out of it.

She's coping with a big adjustment and doesn't have the language or tools she needs to do it nicely.
Keep the focus on what she does right, lots of attention when she's good or nice, talking to her in age appropriate language about how you love her and always will, help get cope with your attention being elsewhere, so for instance, if you're feeding baby tell her that's her special time to get a story, or show you a skill or draw a picture together.
It makes you feel bad that baby doesn't get the 100% attention the first did, but that's just how you feel, baby is happy and it really helps.
Find little ways to notice her in a good way. If the father can free you up to spend time with her so she is reassured her world is not turned upside down that helps.
It's tiring but a good investment. Give it time.
When mine were this age I used to start each day with a little 'partner in crime' moment (story time of the two of them having fun, but baby told me what the dream was, so it didn't come from me). As the toddler is still at the age where they believe puppets can talk, I took advantage and baby would 'whisper to me' what she'd dreamt of that night... Baby would dream of adventures with big brother. I.e. they sneaked out of bed in the night and explored a chocolate factory, ate lots of chocolate and were back in bed before anyone missed them, the only clue was the chocolate smile which mum was completely baffled about. Toddler would be all gleeful at the fun stuff they were getting up to in baby's dreams, I would be 'scandalised' at them 'whatever next!' and toddler would cosy up to baby and ask what next etc, so it really got toddler started on feeling like they were united as a pair.

Shes 21 months old, a baby herself …
Have u got a travel cot? Put the baby in the moses basket and then place in the travel cot
so toddler cant get access to her if you cant have your eyes on her 100% of the time

It's ok to talk to her about how we sometimes have big emotions and even feel angry that mummy is busy. Tell her when that happens a hug is the perfect fix. Talk to her about when she was a baby, tell her about when she was born and how small and cute she was, how you cared for her just like this, you can even use baby to show her what you used to do for her. Etc etc all using language she can understand of course. Not long chats, just a drip drip drip of little sentences to help her see she's important and we all need care when we are so small, how important that is and she can help do that if she likes as mummy knows what a big heart she has...

It's worth checking that she understands she's hurting the baby. It might seem really obvious to you but (hopefully) she's never been hit or had a toy thrown at her, it might need you to explain the difference between hitting and patting, between throwing a hard toy and passing a soft toy. If shes used to being the smallest/weakest she genuinely might not understand that what she's doing isn't nice because it's too forceful.

Awww that is so cute, what a lovely idea!

Lovely advice from previous posters 😊
I would just add, since the toddler is so young, for now it might just be worth to navigate her face ands hands when she asks to kiss and hug baby - to show her what’s ‘gentle kiss’ and ‘gentle hands’.
That way you can also pull her away quickly if needed.

Some great advice here.

To avoid the immediate problem of her scratching the baby; when she asks for a cuddle with the baby, I would say 'the baby doesn't want a cuddle right now, but mummy does' and scoop her up for a big cuddle. That way you avoid the issue, don't need to keep saying no and give her what she really wants which is your attention.

My 13 month old daughter used to be a bit too rough with my baby son and she was rather young to reason with so I just had to take precautions. I also had a 3 year old so had my hands full! At first I kept the carry cot on the dining room table and removed the chairs, that worked for a while but then the minx started to move walkers or big toys to stand on and pull at the carry cot.

I then put baby in a play pen while the other children played in the room but I had to be on hand to stop things being thrown! Luckily the baby was a very good sleeper, no choice really, so I could pop him in the pram outside or in a bedroom to be out of the way! I also carried him in a sling while I did chores to keep him with me.

I tried to find time to be alone with my daughter, reading to her while baby slept or playing games together. I would give my baby lots of cuddles etc when the other children had naps - for my sanity though I made sure they all had an afternoon nap at the same time so I could snooze on the settee! It was not long before she stopped grabbing at the baby, by the time she was about 18 months, she loved him and they were best friends - still are!

I told my toddler that these were ‘her babies’ and she loved telling people about them.
I agree when feeding we would sing and chat together or read books so she was engaged with me.
I would also put them down for a nap and we would creep into the kitchen to play with play doh or paint.
She also did jobs like nappies and cream and helped with bibs.

I agree with positives - ‘look how general you’re being’ ‘baby likes those kisses’ repeat

You just need a different approach.

To add to all the great advice you’ve had so far I would also make a huge fuss of her whenever she is kind with the baby - “you are such a kind big sister, isn’t baby lucky to have a big sister like you”. “Oh those are such kind, gentle hands, do you see baby? Doesn’t your sister have kind hands?” And of course, the thing where you get baby to wait - “sorry baby, you’ll just have to wait while I do X for your big sister” (even when baby is perfectly happy and not really waiting at all!).

Oh and also, my DD likes to look at pictures of herself so I show her photos and videos of what she was doing at the same age as her baby sister. So when she was born I showed her all the photos of her as a baby just after she was born etc. so she can see that she has had all the same experiences that her little sister is having.

More great advice, I feel in good company with you wise lot. Mine are best of friends too, we who tried to help our children through these huge transitions might have just got lucky with that anyway, but I feel it does make a difference though who could measure how much 🤷... That was the idea I clung to when I was exhausted from it all though. 😁🤣

That’s such a good idea! I’m definitely going to use that with my LO.

OP, I have a similar gap and the only troubling behaviour we’re not having is hitting/scratching. I think it’s because we have a dog so my first born is well versed in gentle hands. We taught him this by holding his hands and helping him stroke the dog with appropriate pressure (instead of squishing him with over enthusiastic pats!). If he was ever too rough I’d gently remove him and comfort the dog. Lots of praise whenever he got it right too. Now he gently strokes the dog, his sibling and random children at soft play 🤷‍♀️.

Now, if you have any advice on how to stop the intense new sibling tantrums, let me know!

@Prinnny and @Boringcookingquestion thanks for the compliment. ☺️ I had fun doing it. 😁

thanks so much for all the advice. especially love the idea about telling her babies dreams, that’s so cute