Meeting another girlfriend, can I say anything?

[Bee2418]

My ex husband and I separated in July 2021 after 12 years of marriage. We have two boys now aged 13 and 9. He met someone new and by December 2021 was putting pressure on me for her to meet the children. During mediation we agreed the children would not meet anyone until we had been a part a year, we would only introduce them to people we were confident would be in their lives for a long time to come, and we would give each other a heads up first. My boys met his girlfriend and her children in July 2022. They broke up in December 2022.
My kids came home yesterday from a week with their dad and told me they had been to a theme park with Dad, his new friend and her children. My oldest said (with sarcasm) 'they are "just friends". She is a hairdresser, I have "no idea" how dad met her.'
Opinions please:
Did my ex just take my children on a date or could she really just be a friend? He is in the Navy and we don't live near where we grew up so I am confused as to how he is meeting and befriending single female hairdressers in the course of his day to day life. Her kids are different genders and a lot younger than mine so it seems like an odd choice to go to a theme park with this friend when he has other friends whose children mine actually know and get on with.
Do I say anything to him? My oldest is not daft and was pretty bemused by the whole thing. I am also annoyed that my children have potentially met two girlfriends and their kids in less than six months. My ex has them every other weekend, he has plenty of time to date when he is childfree. But at the same time I am over his BS and don't want to spend 2023 arguing with him. Which makes me want to keep out of it and let him get on with whatever crappy choices he is making.

If your kids see it for what it is and aren't being manipulated or confused by it then I'd let it go or you egg him on.

You're confused about how he met her? Really? Probably on a dating app like everyone else these days.
I get that you don't like it, but he can introduce his children to whoever he likes. Pick your battles.

Oh I am pretty sure he met her on a dating site, I am confused as to why he thinks a woman he has known less than three weeks should be joining him on a day out with the kids.

His explanation that they are friends didn't stack up because where would he have met her if it wasn't a dating site.

I would definitely let him know you know, and that it’s pretty sad that he’s so desperate to try and enmesh his kids into another happy step-family set up so soon after the failure of the previous one.

But other than that it sounds like your 13 year old has got his number, and there’s not much you can do about your ex’s shitty choices.

You can ask him not to do this, argue about it, and then he’ll still carry on if he wants to. Your lads sound fairly clued up

I get that you don't like it, but he can introduce his children to whoever he likes. Pick your battles.

This.

Your dc seem pretty clued up as pp said. They are not being asked to call this new person 'Mum'. They went to a theme park together. So what ?
I think this is not a hill to die on. You can't control who his friends are or what the dc do with him, during the time they are with him.

Nah, let this one ride. Keep it back for if he pisses you off in the future and accusses you of something!

The kids have the measure of him and she will be gone soon too I epxect. It's all part of them growing up.

He's obviously met her before the last relationship ended OP. I know it's not great but there nothing you can really do. I assume what you agreed in mediation only applied to the first relationship not the rest of their childhood?

We didn't really specify but I didn't expect him to be running it past me when they were 18. I also didn't expect such a quick sucession of girlfriends and their childre.

I do understand I need to leave him to get on with it but the boys found it hard meeting the first GF and then she is gone and not two weeks later GF2 is on the scene. I think my ex assumes that because he is happy they are too. Also he is a knob.

He does sound a knob and whilst your 13yo sounds savvy and blasé about it I'd be wondering how your 9yo is taking it as that's still quite young - so was he 8 or even 7 when GF#1 came and went? What's it teaching him about relationships and the role of men?
You could float this with your ex if you think he'd take any of it on board - plus I'd be sharing the fact that the 13yo already sees him as a bit pathetic for introducing women he hardly knows himself to his kids. Is he using them to show off what a great guy he is to produce such lovely kids? How many will they meet in the future?! Really sounds like a knob!

I'd leave it, otherwise you may seem controlling and you won't be able to win. Save your energy. As long as he's not saying each time "Here's your new stepmother!", what's the real harm?
They know that divorced parents have new relationships, and that relationships may not last - you find out if you're compatible and, if not, you don't keep flogging a dead horse. Maybe they'll learn something useful about what they do or do not want to do when they have their own relationships. They're not going to be scarred or damaged by knowing that some of dad's relationships haven't lasted long.

Here is an article I read on this which helped me get some perspective on my ex introducing people:

www.drpsychmom.com/2019/12/01/ex-wife-wants-to-introduce-her-boyfriend-of-3-months-to-our-kids/

This podcast was good too - from clinical psychologist and couples counsellor Dr Psych Mom. As a divorced parent, can you bring people you're dating around your kids?

Intro: A listener recorded a question for me about dating with a toddler after divorce! I discuss my thoughts about dating as a single parent, and how to maintain a healthy perspective no matter when you choose to start dating or how casual versus serious you are with this new person. The idea that a child will be traumatized by meeting a new friend/dating partner a few times even if it doesn't end up working out is outdated and usually a remnant of a different era of divorce. If your focus stays on your child and you use my guidelines, dating someone new as a divorced parent (or breaking up with someone) does not have to be a scary event for you or your child.