Am I just not mum material?

[Blippybloppy]

Hello

i was wondering if anyone had ever felt like this- sometimes I worry I’m a terrible mum and have done an awful job parenting DS now 5. I came from quite an abusive background myself which has traumatised me to some extent, however has also meant that I don’t really have good role modelling / understanding of how to parent I guess. I’ve tried to do my absolute best, when he was little we went to lots of baby groups, we did lots of activities / days out etc. Out weekends now are full of activities or trips to see friends.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child so have made it my mission to try and give him a childhood that is in no way, shape or form like mine so I’ve never used physical punishment etc. I do get quite cross with him sometimes, he really tries my patience and I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong when I feel I’ve done the best I possibly can and he is given alot of opportunities I wasn’t. For example, he is incredibly rude to me and his dad, other family members, very defiant and I hate to say it but I just don’t enjoy his company a lot of the time. I know I shouldn’t compare, but as a child his age I never would have dared behave like he did due to repercussions from my parents. I’ve tried to be a ‘gentle parent’, he comes and sleeps in our bed most nights (one of the things I remember from my childhood was being so petrified of the dark but no one coming to me when I called out), so if he’s ever scared at night I let him sleep with us. I just don’t know if maybe I’ve been too lenient maybe, and have tried too hard to be a gentle parent that I’ve gone the other way and now he walks all over me.
I look at my other mum friends who all seem to have well balanced children the same age, and wonder where I went wrong. I can be snappy at times but I always make sure i apologise to him if I am and explain why I’ve been cross. I feel like I just need a break from it all - I work full time and have his dad as well so it’s not like I’m doing it all myself so I don’t understand why I feel this way.

I guess I’m worried that in some way the abuse I suffered from is systemic- although I haven’t physically or emotionally abused him, am I just not capable of being a loving mum that can raise a well adjusted child?

sorry it’s long.

All children are born with a template to exploit their environment, to get what they want, and use their cunning ways to work around things. It's normal.
Children are naturally selfish - we were all like that.

I read a book called Boundaries with Kids by Henry Clouds and John Townsend which is all about dealing with this stuff.

Don't let the references to religion and the Bible put you off. It's a very good book.

You can get it on Audible so can listen as you go about your day.

Good luck.

I look at my other mum friends who all seem to have well balanced children the same age, and wonder where I went wrong

I don’t think you have gone wrong. Your DS is rude to you and acts out while at home because he knows you are a safe person and he is in a safe space. Firm and gentle boundaries over time will resolve this as he is only 5 and still learning. Below age 7, children have trouble processing emotions so they will over-react as in cry at the drop of a hat, or get angry and throw things/say mean things without thinking. They still lack the filter that is developing of you feel sad or angry, and then you have a space to decide what to do with that feeling, and you know how to not take out that feeling on others around you. He is still learning that.

You can’t really compare your child to other parents children as for example the way children behave around strangers either in public or visiting their homes as a guest is not how they behave when alone at home with their parents. Too, less gentle parents tend to have very well behaved children, but they are not necessarily well adjusted or happy children. I come from an abusive family too and my parents were constantly complimented on how lovely our manners and behaviour were…and we were the best behaved any parent could wish for but that was out of fear and survival, not superior parenting. In addition, lots of parents don’t really confess to their friends any difficulties they have with their childrens’ behaviour, they tend to save it for anonymous forums! Although I will say once you’ve been friends for a decade and the little darlings are now teenagers, parents will confess poor teen behaviour but that’s due to a decade of friendship and the fact that society freely admits teens are so challenging. So your mum friends most likely are having the same struggles as you.

On a side note, if these patterns of rudeness and meltdowns are not getting better or getting worse by age 10, this is a red flag for ASD. But right now at age 5, it is very common and normal developmentally.