Coping with difficult parents

[KylaF]

i had a baby 14 months ago who is an absolute doll. She is a so funny and I love her a lot. My parents are the only childcare options I have due to finances and are minding her 3.5 days a week. However, I am finding it very difficult. Growing up my parents were very strict and thought nothing of using physical punishment. One time I went to the city with my friend on the train at 13 ( yes I know extreme Behaviour ) when I was only meant to be going to the local town. When they found out they beat me very badly with a belt . There have been different bearings over the years- the last one when I was 21. When I was 25 I was having a hard time with work and personal stuff and one Saturday I decided to go and get my hair blow dried- my mother refused to allow me to do this and forced me to go and get groceries as she was sick. I got home and realised I had no handbag , I left groceries in to parents with faces like hatchets who said nothing and I rushed back to the supermarket to look for my handbag . It later turnt put someone had saw witnessed me set the bag on the ground and drive off, they lifted my bag and got my address off my licence and had already dropped it off with my parents by the time I got home - they knew I had lost my bag when I was dropping off groceries and instead of telling me they said nothing and let me rush off again. I can’t get my head around this now I’m a parent as I woukd never treat my child like Dd. Now anytime I am in my parents house I feel very distressed. Has anyone any advice. I believe I was abused as a child and now have to rely on my abusers ( they are very good to my child and me ) but they were so wicked. How do I get through this mentally until she goes to playgroup?

You don’t leave your child with people who think it’s ok to beat a child with a belt. Ever.

Claim child care benefit?

I get child benefit but the child care costs in our area are so huge we can’t afford private childcare, mortgage , bills etc . My sisters first child was minded by my parents and they all no longer talk. My sister when she was 16 asked to go to a friends house and my parents followed her and watched them all go to the cinema and when they arrived at the cinema they marched up to her and made her go home so she has had it difficult too. They also beat her at 18 for going somewhere she shouldn’t when she was home from uni.

I’ve been there OP. My parents are very cruel and narcissistic people. I left my children in their care because I genuinely believed that it was best for my children to have that extended family in their lives. But it all blew up in the most horrendous way and I was completely wrong to have nurtured those relationships. People like this have the character flaws baked in and they are highly resistant to change. My experience is they love the baby stage but as grandchildren get older the issues start to come out. Seriously find a way to disentangle yourself from them completely. Go very low contact with them until you feel you can manage in their company. That might end up with NC of that is all you can manage. Don’t pass their damage on to you own children. It is so so horrible.

Thank you for telling me that. Yes I would imagine when my little girl starts to share her voice more and is older they woll be looking to teach her manners- as soon as playgroup comes that’s it. It’s very difficult to have parents who are one side very good but on the other very destructive and you need to see them all the time

But you don’t need to see them. You do need to protect your child.

That isn’t what they are though. Good people don’t abuse children ever. They aren’t on the one hand good and other times bad. Your and their agendas align at times and so they behave accordingly - the good times - but when they don’t align they try to manipulate you and control you back into alignment. I found that the most confusing to process but good people don’t abuse and if they do something wrong which everyone does they accept responsibility and attempt to address the issues once brought to their attention.

This is horrific. You should not be leaving your children alone with them AT ALL.

This is how I feel about my parents op.

You sort of just got on with it to a point and then when you had a child of your own it all comes rushing back. How could they do that, how could they allow the other to do that to a child (I was beaten and starved)

You need to find a way of affording nursery or give up work for a while until your youngest is in funded childcare. Do not leave your child with these people.

They could be abusing your child now and she has no way of telling you.

You're parents abused you... you in turn are neglecting your child by leaving her in their care.

You are enabling the abuse of your dd.
Even being in their lives is abuse.

Omg! You allow your child to be with your parents who are violent and cruel?

What the actual fuck

This is extremely unfair. People with utterly shitty parents are conditioned from birth to put up with abuse, to minimise it and rationalise it. It is incredibly challenging unpicking it and when I personally did that I found people were incredibly judgemental about cutting off ties even with the most abusive of parents.

My apologies if I've offended. I was genuinely shocked.

I understand that.... but the OP hasn't minimalised it.... she said herself it was horrific

@iRun2eatCake it's hard when you're told it's for your own good, that's how it was then, didn't do anyone any harm then your gaslit and called too sensitive, they minimise the experiences you experienced and you're called dramatic.

She has minimalised it. She described them as difficult and doesn’t see their history as bad enough to prevent them looking after her child.

My step dad beat me badly until 14, my mum did nothing. I've moved far away, and although we still see them occasionally, I would never ever let them have unsupervised access to my children. My mum is sad my 4 year old doesn't go for sleepovers as I used to with both grandparents (who never laid a hand on me), but how could I trust her to defend my little boy?

Abuse, whether mental or physical or sexual lasts a lifetime, you know this. Please don't send your kids there.

You are failing to safeguarding your child.

*safeguard