DD won't let anybody touch her or her things

[allthedramamick]

Over the past week or so, DD7 refuses to let anybody touch her or any of her stuff. She also won’t sit on the sofa or anywhere but one particular dining chair. She says this is because other people are ‘disgusting’.

If I do accidentally touch e.g. her book when pointing something out to her, she keeps sniffing it & gets very distressed. This means we haven’t been able to play with her new board games, and she struggled to tie up a balloon for hours on NYE because she wouldn’t let me do it for her. Wants to stay in the bath/ in her room for hours and hours.

I have good hygiene & wash my hands frequently - there is no practical reason for her to have these concerns. She also still lets our dog lick her?? And doesn’t have issues with eating e.g food I make, and obviously I’ve touched all of her things hundreds of times (I bought them all!) but I don’t want to keep pointing out things like this in case it makes everything worse.

I think it all started over the summer - she didn’t want to go to her grandparents’ house (dads side - we are not together, it’s just me and DD who live here). I believe it is quite cluttered there, and her granny is very unwell (on oxygen), so I do wonder if it stems from fears about that. But I’ve asked her and she’s said no, that isn’t it (but maybe subconsciously)?

She’s come out of school upset a few times because somebody’s touched her hair or something over the past couple of months, and said she is always hand sanitising whilst there. But nobody has mentioned any concerns - and now it has escalated so much.

She’s been referred for possible ADHD (I have it, and she has lots of symptoms, so this is v likely), and I have also considered possible ASD. No idea if this is related.

It’s all really hard to cope with or know how to deal with. I feel absolutely awful but I did lose my patience a bit with her tonight (she asked me where her hairbrush is but won't let me look for it (and having to lift things up etc) in her room, but then she got annoyed when I said there was no way of me knowing where it was without looking) and she said ‘mummy, im not choosing to have these thoughts - I absolutely hate it’. I can’t even give her a hug :( but I have told her she won’t always feel like this, things will be better and I’ll try and get her some help.

Trouble is - I have no idea where to turn to for help like this? The GP? With the ADHD, they said I had to go through the school, but maybe this is different. I think it’s therapy that she needs, but is she going to be stuck on another 2 year waiting list? Will the school possibly help? I’m kind of hoping that it’ll resolve itself when she’s back at school (we had similar meltdowns about sock/ shoe wearing over the summer, which went away when she returned to school), but I'm not sure it will. She has an OT appt at the end of Jan for some sensory/ coordination issues - I thought I could mention it to them to see if they have any ideas (though I appreciate it’s probably outside their remit).

I’m a single parent and don’t have a lot of money, so I don’t think there’s anyway I could afford hundreds for private therapy - I’ve been looking for low cost options for people on benefits (I do work too), but I can’t see any for children, only adults.

Any advice/ guidance would be hugely appreciated. I’m beyond desperate to get my happy little girl back!!

Didn’t want to read and run but sounds like it could be a form of OCD. Intrusive thoughts ruling her behavior. I feel for you - I have two sons with ASD/ ADD and both have had periods of difficulty- not this specifically however. Hope you manage to access help

I am also thinking more along lines of OCD. Would you buying and wearing disposable latex gloves help her at all? It must be hard on her to not want other peoples bare hands touching her or her things…I know it’s not a long term solution but might be a good stop gap until you can get jet assessed and into therapy.

Hey, research childhood OCD and speak to your gp. OCD isn’t what people think it is, it can be very hard to live with and life changing. Get the help she needs & don’t underestimate how hard it is for her when people trigger her ❤️

I have OCD and looking back, it was there from childhood. There is a lot here that sounds familiar.

I strongly recommend tracking down books by Lily Bailey, who had severe OCD from a very young age. There is a lot of effective support out there, but it does need a conversation with school/GP.

I worry about my son picking up my OCD - he is showing some of the patterns I did. We talk a lot about good bacteria and how the body works, and I give him the information behind what we do. It really seems to help him, and also that we have medics in the family who can explain things like how his immune system works.

Thanks so much everybody! You're all right, it does seem to fit OCD - this has really helped me talk about it with her better today (have explained about intrusive thoughts and how it's not uncommon, and there are people/ treatment out there who will be able to help her, which she was v relieved about).

I've just seen that you can self refer to a service offering various types of therapy for kids (counselling/ art/ play therapy), so I'm going to do that today, and email the SENCO so they're aware too.

Good idea re the gloves also, I'll ask her if she thinks that would help.

Thanks again, we are both feeling much more positive and hopeful now

I strongly recommend tracking down books by Lily Bailey, who had severe OCD from a very young age. There is a lot of effective support out there, but it does need a conversation with school/GP.

Oh, and I will definitely take a look at these books - thanks again!

My DD has OCD and intrusive thoughts and contamination is a significant theme. Started at the same age as your DD. I wouldn't recommend using gloves - this effectively confirms her anxiety around germs and won't help her deal with the underlying issues.
It's a complicated one to unpick and I would ask your GP for a referral to CAHMS.
Your DD doesn't really have the language to express what she's feeling. My DD was hugely relieved to discover she was experiencing was understood by others and that she could deal with it. We're quite a few years down the line now and in the main DD has good strategies for living with this but it does flare up quite often still.

Thank you @Beamur, that's really useful. Glad your DD has learnt some useful strategies, though I'm sorry it still flares up, it's such a tricky issue to deal with! At least with other stuff at this age, you can still give them a big cuddle :( I'm not sure if the well-being service I've self-referred to is appropriate to treat OCD, but it says they'll refer onto CAMHS if they can't help. The waiting times for CAMHS are just mental atm so I'm hoping the well-being service might help sooner.

Have emailed her senco too (inset day today so she's not back till tomorrow), so if she does get distressed at school, hopefully they'll be understanding. Did your DD worry about contamination at school too? I'm nervous about her going back as I'm not sure how she'll cope if she's acting the same as at home. Don't want to ask her though and put thoughts in her head, so I guess i will just have to see how it goes.

School didn't mention anything specific, but she has some other odd mannerisms that they did raise. She definitely has self soothing tactics.
Contamination OCD doesn't necessarily show in the way you might expect - it's not all about being very clean and tidy. With DD it's very linked into catastrophic thinking.
Part of what helped DD was a course of CBT. But it's really worth reading up on it yourself - to some extent you have to allow them to experience the thing that upsets them in order to be able to rationalise the likelihood of harm arising. Which goes against your instinct as a parent to shield your child from the things that upset them.

Based on my own experience I wouldn’t wear latex gloves etc as that confirms her fear that there is something to worry about re germs , I think it would only make it worse long term even if it temporarily could make her feel “safe”

I'm sorry OP can't see if you've addressed this but is there any chance she was touched inappropriately whilst away? It was my first thought when I read she hates humans touching her, then you said she'd been away from home and it started then.

I'm sorry OP can't see if you've addressed this but is there any chance she was touched inappropriately whilst away? It was my first thought when I read she hates humans touching her, then you said she'd been away from home and it started then.

I have read MN enough for it to have crossed my mind in terms of not wanting physical contact, but there are literally no other signs - I think it's much more likely that her brain has interpreted a link between her gran being Ill and their cluttered/ perhaps a bit dirty home, and it's all stemmed from there. Her dad doesn't even have his own room there, it's a tiny flat, so they're all just sitting around in the front room together for an hour or two, no overnights. She loves having her dad babysit her here when I go out (rarely). Doesn't spend time with anyone else without me. V open with me, knows the PANTS rules etc. So I think it's very unlikely, but I'll definitely be vigilant going forwards (and I'm sure it's something any therapist would want to rule out too).