4 year old and 9 month old - when does it get easier?

[bakewellbride]

I struggle so much with being a mum of 2. It's constant, relentless and exhausting. I've cried so many times. I don't know how to cope.

Oh love. I have two, DD is 4.5 and DS is 1. It can be bloody touch sometimes, can't it? Is there any specific things you're finding particularly difficult? Does your eldest go to school or nursery? Do you have anyone around you to help support you all (or money to throw at that?)?

The sleep deprivation is the biggest one. Just everything really. Can't have a bath in case the baby wakes for a breastfeed. Can't just up and leave, have to check the bag for a million things first. Can't just sleep, relax or do anything. Can't eat a meal without feeding a baby too and then wiping the high chair. It's just never ending.

I also worry about the children constantly. Is my eldest getting everything he needs? (Fussy eater) is each child getting enough attention? How can I help my eldest with his school work? Am I being a good enough wife? On and on if goes.

It's so hard. I spent Christmas Eve in tears to a helpline. So many amazing moments but hard times too.

Yeah, it can be relentless.

It sounds like you have a husband, are they doing their fair share? For example at 9 months if your baby has a breastfeed, they don't necessarily need another one desperately within a short time period even if they did wake and would like one, not the way a newborn does. Could you have a bath when your husband is home, ideally timed soon after a breastfeed, and then if baby wakes husband can care for baby?

Sleep deprivation - my 1 yo is currently a terrible sleeper and has never been a great sleeper unfortunately. And he's 14 months! So I feel you. You're breastfeeding, do you do all baby's night wakes? Not for everyone but both my kids have had dummies which did help them sleep. With DS too at 9 months I would breastfeed him overnight when he woke but not more often than 3 hrly as I figured he couldn't be hungry again in less than that time. If he woke sooner then DH would get up and rock/cuddle him whatever to get him back to sleep. Also both mine were combi fed so DH did 3 night feeds a week by bottle with DS so I got some longer stretches. Again I know that isn't for everyone but it worked for us.

My husband works long hours and it's hard when it's just me. He's just come back from a nightshift so will need to sleep today while I keep the children busy.

I had an abusive childhood and am estranged from all my relatives. Sometimes I feel like everyone else has a good mum to guide them through their own motherhood journey and I'm just muddling through on my own.

Sorry to moan and complain. I love my kids more than I could ever describe but it's just so difficult physically and mentally and I want to do a good job of things.

I’m exactly 5 months behind you, OP (4mo old baby and a preschooler) - it’s so tough on so little sleep and 2 weeks of school holidays.
Hold on for today, schools open tomorrow. If you are able to, stay in bed with baby tomorrow, just resting.

I suppose it will get a bit easier when baby starts nursery, and a lot easier when they both sleep reliably well. It’s so hard now, but once they sleep, life will improve immeasurably. Sending strength. 💐

@bakewellbride sending hugs it's tough

I have an 11 year old and a 5.5 month old
Baby is hard work! Fights naps, is currently teething and seems much more hard work than my first ( unless I've forgot!

Having all that time just having 1 having 2 is so much harder than I thought

Horrible birth, horrible recovery ive not enjoyed the baby time at all and quite honestly looking forward to when she's older !

My 11 yr old is great and very self efficient but still have mum guilt about lack of time I have with her as I feel baby takes all my time but I think we manage ok

Hubby works long hours so I Just plan things around that so for example I will make sure I have a bath at least once a week - so that was last night for example. Baby was down, eldest watching a film with hubby and then I joined them for the end and had a cuddle with eldest
That's enough for her

Then I shower when I can throughout the day
Either eldest watching little one between feeds/naps or when she's in her bouncer I drag that in the bathroom

When you say constantly wiping the high chair
I find managing my day so that I get time to sit down so for me it's doing all my house admin in her wake windows. Baby is in jumperoo, mat, Bouncer whilst I do bottles, washing up, washing, housework and prepping that nights dinner so if you have a one year old adjust it accordingly so talk to them what you are doing
I found since doing this I'm not doing housework when they are asleep and I can sit down and watch a box set. It's just broken!

My babies wake windows are only 1.5 hours ! So for example she will have 4-5 bottles and 4-5 naps in a day so that seems to be all ik
Doing in the short window before she's due something again!

This morning she was up at 720, bottle at 730, she's been in her bouncy chair after watching me / playing so I've done bottles, washing up and put a load on. Now she's on her mat waiting for a sleep anytime now!

Then rinse and repeat. It's Groundhog Day but I feel routine and ensuring I do it this way I get breaks in the day

Also lowering expectations so anymore breaks
Doing what I want/ baths/ etc isn't doing to happen at this age and longer so I think that will help too x

It sounds like your current family lifestyle means all the parenting falls to you? Something is amiss here if you can't have a bath when your baby is 9m old. I say that as a breastfeeding mum of toddlers still so I know how full on that is.

I remember feeling exactly the same as you at that stage, including the estranged from my family. DH worked shifts and I was always alone with the kids, the eldest had sleep apnea ( we later discovered autistic traits) the youngest didn’t sleep until nearly two when I gave up breastfeeding. Toddler groups were cliquey and my kids were too boisterous for easy play dates.

It got easier when the eldest went to school and I could nap with the youngest. On reflection I really wish I had spent more days with the TV on and in my PJ’s. I also found some counselling helped when the dust settled as I was triggered by my experiences.

On the plus side now, my kids and I have an amazing bond because for such a long time it was just the three of us.

I remember feeling like that with my second. If you're feeling that way you need to make any changes you can to make your life easier, including your husband changing jobs to be around more if needed. I found it was the lack of space that caused the worst of it so once I could go out and clear my head a bit I felt much better. Could your husband take them both for walks so you can have a bath once a week or so or look after them so you can go out? They're old enough to both go to nursery too.

@bakewellbride you are being too hard on yourself. I think possibly your childhood has made you want everything to be perfect for your own children which is completely understandable but there is no perfect. My own Mum lived miles away from me as did MIL so no help really, occasional babysitting a few times a year but they both worked full time so couldn't just drop everything. As much as I loved my Mum to bits she was not a great parent to me. From an adult's point of view now I can see why but I parent completely differently to how we were raised. I read a lot of parenting books and I had MN to feel less alone in the struggle.

Have that bath, it might be interrupted but it also might not. I know your Dh works long hours but he also needs to be available at home too. You sound as if you get no down time so realistically when he is home and awake he should be parenting and doing house stuff. It will be easier when school starts back up, Christmas holidays are always a bit crazy. It is normal to worry if you have a fussy eater, I had one who ate everything and one who really didn't. I found making a list of everything they would eat helpful to remind me they were okay. I also fed them multi-vits.

It will feel like groundhog day for a while especially when you have a baby. I filmed myself clearing up pasta from under the high chair at home because I was on my hands and knees 3 times a day under that bloody thing clearing up food. Do you have any friends who could come round and give you an hour to yourself?

Worrying about it all makes you a good parent.

I want to add I didn't have the best childhood and my mum although now I have a good relationship with it's not a hands on doting grandmother relationship unfortunately
And all my MIL wants to do is come and cuddle baby and ignore me
So once you've lowered expectations in that respect and dealt with those issues it does make things easier

Also my little one sleeps 6-7pm - well hours with a feed around 3-4am sometimes but I could choose to bath or do stuff in that time
I just feel ' on call ' so choose not too incase she stirs or dummy comes out

X

I have the same age gap. It's hard at the point you are at. But my DC are now 6 and 10 and it's (mostly) brilliant and has been for a couple of years. Honestly, it will get a tiny bit better every day and one day you will see a mum in a park with smaller kids than yours and realise that she is doing it tough and you are through the worst without noticing.

Yeah, I agree with this. I think you and your DH need to sit down and talk about how sustainable your current situation is. It sounds like you're really struggling and I don't blame you, I felt that at times and my DH only is only out the house 8.30-6 Mon-Fri for work. I work too though since mat leave ended and that in itself helps me cope with parenting, I find being at home all the time with the kids too difficult.

OP make a referral to homestart.

www.home-start.org.uk/

A volunteer comes out to you once a week for a couple of hours or so and helps you out with whatever you need.

It could be looking after baby whilst you bath/eat, helping you with housework or going out. Whatever you need.

Thank you to everyone for the helpful messages. Dh is not at work and is here with us now so everything automatically feels easier (he is great). I also managed to catch up with my friends at the park today and came home feeling much better about things.

My second was (still is, six years later) a shitty sleeper and I had that age gap and it was crappy. I remember deeply that nine month stage - I’d gone back to work - and feeling terrible. Most of the first year is a blur and I felt the world’s worst mother to both of my children.

I promise it gets better. By 18 months* they start playing with each other and having their own relationships and you can see more of the joy of siblings. in fact, every week from now on it’s getting easier as they get closer to walking and being independent.

*do not relax and accidentally fall pregnant with a third at this point.

@Whattheladybird thanks for your message. The 'do not get pregnant bit' made me laugh! Dh is on the waiting list for the snip as there is no way I am ever doing this again!

Hi OP,I had three under 3.5 years old and I actually went grey/hair started falling out. It was hell for a few years,but starting school helped hugely, and now they are 3 under 10 and the best of friends and life is sooooo much easier now. Takes work, but I promise it DOES get easier.