Am I expecting too much?

[GraceL365]

Am I unreasonable to expect some support from my partner with our baby when he’s off work?

He does LONG hours so I have no help during the week with morning and bedtime routine or anything in between which is fine but he has riled me with the week he’s just had off over Christmas.

He hasn’t once offered to do the morning or bedtime routine for example, instead enjoying long lay ins or sitting downstairs watching tv. If I say anything be bites my head off and says he’s tired from work. What about me!

He should be doing all the non-baby stuff. Like, all if it - cooking, tidying, laundry, that kind of this.

I'm not sure it's thr answer you want,but if you gave an under 1yo then baby is likely to want primary carer (ie you) for mornings and bedtimes. Plus if your DH us never around to learn the intimate details if babys routines, it will be significantly difficult for him to walk into thus. His time for bedtimes will come, don't worry. Out out of the baby months there will be a good decade of bedtime stories and whatnot he can lead on - for the baby months, primary carer will find it much, much easier.

He could join in though. Or if not, he can do a the housework and stuff.

Of course it isn't unreasonable to expect him to be a parent.

Seen all too often on here. Of course he should be parenting (it's not 'helping'). Everything is 50-50 in our house, whether that be child-related or household related. Does he not want to be a good dad and be involved with the care and enjoyment of his child?

Great answer from @polik. It would be easy to jump in and say he should do 50% of bedtimes etc but the reality is if baby is used to you it will be quicker if you continue. You should be getting way more rest though while he does housework and looks after baby in the daytimes while you get out or nap.

The issue is that you've let it get this far really. Didn't you speak about this stuff when you first had kids? Now it will be a major headache to sort out by the sounds of it if this is just the norm now.

What is sad, is that he doesn't want to take this opportunity to spend time with his baby.

Of course you aren't expecting too much.

Its a frustrating situation. I totally agree I’m the primary carer and to be honest I would want to carry on as I am, it’s just the fact that he doesn’t even offer that grated me.

Parenting your own dc isn't helping. Being tired isn't an opt out of parenting option..

Think it is for him ☹️

I’m on the verge of breaking up with him because he’s not the hands on, attentive dad I thought he’d be.

I’m on the verge of breaking up with him because he’s not the hands on, attentive dad I thought he’d be.

If you actually mean this, then say it. Say it to him as bluntly as that.
Don't ask if if he minds "helping" or "If he could just......".
Tell him. Tell him that if he isn't going to parent his child then there is no point in living together.

Have you written done your leisure time versus his?

When you aren't parenting, cleaning/other house related duties, working. Put it down in black and white and ask him why he thinks it's ok that he gets more leisure time than you.

It's about equal leisure time.

So if he gets 1h sat doing nothing while you put baby to bed, you get 1h doing nothing after baby is in bed.

If you get up 2h before he's up, you get 2h doing nothing during the day.

Etc

Be clear about that with him.

What hours is he working? Mine was out of the house for about ten hours (including commute) five days a week but he'd still have our baby for three hours when he came in so I could have a break. We did alternate bedtimes from 3 months old which also helped. He also did all the cleaning.

Those times might not work around his job but if he's eg getting up earlier he could get the baby up too so you can have a break?