ADHD - how do I improve my relationship with DS?

[fivetriangulartrees]

DS1 (5) has always been very difficult and our relationship is quite fractious as a result of his behaviour combined with my frustration. He's the same at school and elsewhere.

It's occurred to me that he could have ADHD. At least the ADD bit, anyway. We're at the very start of looking for an assessment (not yet on the waiting list).

@NameChange30mentioned on another thread that considering neurodiversity was a lightbulb moment for them. I'm really keen to hear more about that. How has a diagnosis - or even just considering ADHD - changed your approach to your kids' behaviour? How do you reframe it in your mind? Have you found ways to improve your relationship in the process?

I'd like to have that lightbulb moment too, when I suddenly forgive DS for being uncooperative and realise how to parent him better. I feel pretty rubbish about how I handle him at the moment. I mostly resort to shouting after the umpteenth request and it's both completely ineffective and utterly miserable.

A diagnosis helped me, DS and the family as I realised there was a reason for DS behaviour and that there was a reason why I find it so hard/ challenging to parent him. DS was 11 when diagnosed and I had always struggled with him at home but school was ok until Y6.

I stopped being so hard on myself and changed my parenting and things are calmer now (although far from perfect).

There are good parenting courses for ND kids and this helped us

Just remember often with ADHD kids it’s that they really can’t behave better and often also helps to write down the three things you really love most about them

You have to have fun with him but on his premises. What are his interests? What does he think is fun? Ds is asd so I spent quite a lot of time at model train fairs, motor shows, vintage car fairs ...

I wish I'd spotted the signs at 5 rather than in his early teens - I would have been a lot more understanding. There's a lot of info out there on YouTube etc about strategies. It can help for the child not to feel they are "naughty" too.

@sunshineandshowers40 Can I ask how you changed your parenting in practice?

I think I need to pay closer attention to this. All our interactions are about trying to get him to do something. There isn't much time for doing things he enjoys. He is rarely in a frame of mind to accept my suggestions (i.e. he either blanks me or screams at me) and a lot of the time I'm exhausted and give up trying.

All he wants to do is vegetate in front of the TV. He switches it on as soon as I turn round for a second to make lunch/have a wee/sneeze and I cannot get it off again without a counterproductive meltdown. His dad doesn't help with this.

But there are things he likes and I need to be more inventive about how I can harness them - preferably outside the house.

Have a read/ listen to Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate. It has really detailed advice on this.

@fivetriangulartrees It isn't easy and we still clash but I know that he isn't doing things to deliberately frustrate/ annoy me and that he isn't "naughty". I pick my battles now and let some things go. We have been out just the two of us (usually meals but have done cinema, theatre and shopping).

I don't give more than one instruction at a time as that overwhelms DS. I give him time to do something before asking again (he is very slow). I give warnings that we will be going out soon.

I had a long chat with DH to try and make sure we were in the same page.

Some days are better than others.

My 9 yo son has ADHD, diagnosed this year. His Dad really struggles at times with him, you need a patience of a saint TBH. I'm generally more intuitive and have found out last week I also have ADHD, so maybe I generally understand him more.

Pick your battles and definitely parent with as much kindness as possible. I found a lot of pointers in The Highly Sensitive Child book, not ADHD specific. I also have a new book 'What your ADHD child wishes you knew' that offers advice in easy to digest chapters.

Research is all I can advise.

My son is 6 and recently diagnosed ADHD. I've watched many YouTube video from Dr Barkley and one thing really stuck out, he says that we think telling them 20 times to do something / not do something will work, that if we just say it one more time it will suddenly make them listen and do what we're asking but basically they won't.

Rules need to be clear and only said once or twice, it's almost too much for them to understand if you keep going on.

Absolute patience of a saint helps too, our diagnosis definitely helped me be more understanding. I used to think he just wasn't listening but now it makes me think actually, he just can't help it.

It's hard and we're still working our way through it. He's just started on medication too so I'm hoping we see some positive changes soon.

Hi there. I identify with a lot of what you say and I sympathise, it's hard

Interestingly my lightbulb moment came when I googled "demand avoidance" - that's what he was doing; just ignoring or fighting every request. I stumbled across the PDA Society website and it all seemed to fit. Actually I still don't know whether he has PDA, but in a way it doesn't really matter, because it gave me a framework to understand his behaviour - a lot of it is anxiety-driven (even though it doesn't look like anxiety, or at least not what I thought anxiety looked like). I did a huge amount of reading about PDA and parenting strategies - interestingly I was already doing much of it, I guess I'd got there by instinct and/or trial and error. What helped the most was to have more understanding and compassion for him - it was truly transformative for me to realise that he wasn't complying because he couldn't, not because he didn't want to.

I focused on ASD to begin with but have more recently realised that ADHD is also a very strong possibility. I haven't yet looked into advice for parenting children with ADHD but will look up some of the resources mentioned on this thread.

Before my lightbulb moment I'd read things like "How to talk so little kids will listen" and the aha parenting website - I found them very helpful but only to a certain extent (probably because they are about general / neurotypical parenting).

Oh and regarding TV/screen time, my DS is obsessed with it too. I have a visual timer and I try to match it up with the duration of the programme he's watching. If I am very clear about how long he's allowed to watch and give him warning about when he'll have to stop, it helps. We still get nagged for TV/tablet and some angry meltdowns if it's a no or time to stop, but it certainly helps to reduce them.

I found this so helpful that I printed out the 1-page poster and stuck it on the fridge
www.pdasociety.org.uk/life-with-pda-menu/family-life-intro/helpful-approaches-children/

FWIW I think a lot of it can be helpful whether your child has PDA or not.

Thank you all for the wisdom and suggested reading/listening. It's given me a lot to get working on - much appreciated.

I'm feeling more optimistic today. We've had a good day - the first day out of the house after being cooped up at home with covid all over Christmas. I resisted the urge to repeat the same instructions a zillion times and things happened eventually, with less stress than usual.