Mum guilt - 6 year old and a 6 week old

[CurlyNo2]

I have a 6 year old and a 6 week old.

6 week old is such an unhappy baby, always crying when awake and won’t settle to sleep
unless I’m holding him. GP diagnosed reflux and colic. Both days and nights are pretty tough with him.

6 year old seemed to accept him into his life pretty quickly and idolised him. However, he became very upset yesterday to his gran saying that no one likes him anymore, they all like 6 week old better as we spend all our time with him, no one plays with him anymore and we tell him off for being loud as to not wake the baby etc.

Obviously it’s has left me heartbroken as i idolise him and to hear him say and know that he has been so upset by my actions, it has devastated me. I accept that I may not have handled having a newborn and a 6 year old very well, finding it all very chaotic and stressful especially as baby is very needy and doesn’t sleep at all! I also accept that all my time has been wrapped up in newborn during these early weeks and I’ve tried to make time for my 6 year old but it’s clearly not been enough or I’ve gone about things the wrong way.

Has anybody else experienced this? How did it all work out and what did you do to ensure 6 year old felt safe and loved?

I feel like a really shit mum at the minute.

Thanks

I’m further down the line than you as the baby is 2 but we have a 6 year age gap. I won’t lie. It’s been hard. But it’s getting easier. When baby started nursery I took some annual leave in the summer to send some one on one time with the eldest. That helped a lot.

Just hold on until 14 weeks and I promise you will have a different baby! I know it seems like ages, but if I'd known there was an endpoint to my baby's colicky windy discomfort that would've helped... you'll get there!!!

You’re not a shit mum. It’s just really hard having a needy little one with an older one.

Your 6 year old being able to talk about his feelings is amazing as many children that age aren't able to properly express how they feel and often 'act up' instead. It's hard with a newborn, I had a similar age gap between my two but he will be so proud of having a little brother that any negativity very quickly goes away. I used to enjoy getting out for walks when I felt like we needed a breather. Baby was in the pram, so being soothed and my eldest had my full attention so we could just chat and explore different routes. Usually involving an ice cream / treat at the local shop on the way. You sound like a brilliant mother, hormones will be all over the place still so don't be hard on yourself.

Hi @CurlyNo2 I have a just turned 7 yr old and a nearly 6 week old. Exact same thing was said to me the other day. I tried to reassure and say that I did the exact with out when you were the baby's age and now it's the baby's turn because the baby cannot do anything for itself. I also said that when you were a baby I had no bigger children so spent every second with you even longe than than the baby. That seem to calm them down and feeling better. I also try to get them involved, like can you get me a nappy pls etc.

Thanks everyone. For those that have experienced similar, I’m glad that it gets easier.

Thanks for the reassurance that I’m not a shit mum, it’s just so hard at the moment trying to juggle both children’s needs when it feels like my life is so out of control. My husband is fantastic but I guess as a mum we take on more than our fair share of the guilt.

5+ year age gap here. Elder DC complained that new baby was loud and smelly and took all my time. It was all true!
You're not a bad parent. You've got a newborn, a newborn that needs even more attention than average.... And your elder DC is not an only child for the first time in their life!
So- you're only 6 weeks in. It's not as if your elder DC will be damaged by their experience thus far. It's not as if you haven't got the opportunity to be more aware of their needs from here onwards. And it's not as if they don't need more time to understand that they are not an only child any more but that this doesn't mean they are any less loved.
These are the hardest weeks. I was really glad when friends/ relatives took my 5 year old out and showed them a really good time when I had DC2. Can anyone take your elder child out for fun times? Can you try and chat/ do puzzle/ read to your elder whilst attending to the baby? Or get your partner to wrangle the baby for 20 mins twice a day which you devote exclusively to DC1??

Oh I feel for you as I went through almost exactly this. A 5 yr gap and the 5yo heartbroken "Why did you have a baby, don't you love me? Ever since that baby came along, no-one has time for me" etc etc...

You are transitioning from one-child family to two children and it can be hard. I felt guilty constantly as time with baby stopped me spending time with 5yo and time with 5yo stopped me tending to baby. But eventually, I'd say around the 6-month mark, the two came together and I felt that we had all settled in. Baby never knew any different and adored older sibling from the outset, and the older one got more time back with us as the baby settled into sleep patterns and became more interactive.

Be gentle with yourself. Encourage your 6yo to talk to you and listen to what they say as in, don't try to brush off anxieties or disappointments, just listen and tell them you're sorry they feel sad and that you love them so much and they will always be your precious firstborn.

Thanks very much everyone.

I have had a chat with my 6 year old and I think we’re all good.. for now!

Why is parenting so bloody hard!

My dc are now 14 and 8. Besties still!!