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Parenting

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Original poster

Mother in law he'll

18 replies

Bizbybee · 31/12/2022 23:55

My mother in law and I fell out over a year ago due to her lack of interest in our twins and being more interested in the other grandchildren this has been going on for years and husband and I just had enough last year of the emotional torture we where receiving l, she blames me for everything and thinks my hubby hasn't his own feelings but anyways this Xmas she has hurt us by not acknowledging the kids on Xmas and their 10th birthday on 27th December which has now passed an no well wishes or contact made on her behalf. My kids are hurt, we are hurt for them. But in truth they have always seen the difference made between them and our nephew etc. They have lots of love from my side of the family but my question is am I wrong for thinking she should have wished them a happy birthday/Xmas just a card no gift needed or am I expecting too much for her?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2023 00:02

Your MIL is who she is and that's not changing. You really need to let all of this go and move on with your life, without her in it.

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 00:07

Yes thank you needed to hear that. Just in my nature to beat myself up all the time and question is this my fault. Even though I know I'm not responsible for her actions.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 01/01/2023 00:14

Start “forgetting” her bday and Christmas from now on

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Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 00:18

Yes most definitely no more gifts we do have Xmas gifts sitting from our children for her normally sister in law calls and we would give them to her but no one this year. Husband won't go to her home for she put us out of the house the last time and he won't go back nor will she come to us. So I will put her gifts away.

OP posts:

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 01/01/2023 00:18

Since she has started the No Birthday Acknowledgement you just follow her lead surely?

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 00:20

Yes I think that it's a very clear message now that it's not reconcilable on either end.

OP posts:

Yellowshirt · 01/01/2023 00:31

Just be careful and try to build bridges if possible. My now EX Mother in law was one of the major reasons my marriage failed.
The constant pressure on my EX wife to please everyone took it's toll.
Your husband will miss his family in the long run and it will always be a drag on your relationship.
Good luck and at least settle your differences so you can enjoy a cup of tea occasionally

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 01/01/2023 00:37

My dh and I have been nc with ils for 8 years now. No regrets.. Dh said after the initial shock he was relieved the fakeness has now gone. She wasn't a nice dm. Less nice a dgm.

AdoraBell · 01/01/2023 00:39

Absolutely “forget” her birthday and Christmas as suggested. Stop giving her head space.

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 00:59

Oh I have encouraged dh to go see his mother and siblings but husband is very hurt at his mother and siblings for things he just can't forgive at this time if ever, but I have said she is his mother and if he or the kids wish to see her I support them and would never stop that relationship. I don't have any desire to see her again as she hit me in front of my children when I was trying to explain how we both felt.

OP posts:

Wibbly1008 · 01/01/2023 01:04

Move on OP, your beautiful kids are worth more than this horrible treatment. Cut her off, nasty woman.

TrimTheTree · 01/01/2023 01:05

She hit you in front of your children? Of course you should be fully NC.
listen to your DH, he’s saying he wants to go NC. Mine did the same and I though t I was helping encouraging him to keep some LC going, but what he needed was my support when he suggested going NC.

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 01:07

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 01/01/2023 00:37

My dh and I have been nc with ils for 8 years now. No regrets.. Dh said after the initial shock he was relieved the fakeness has now gone. She wasn't a nice dm. Less nice a dgm.

Sounds familiar my mil isn't a nice person none of her own siblings speak to her. Which I think speaks for itself. She believes she is at no fault ever so will never admit she was in any way wrong or sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 01:09

Wibbly1008 · 01/01/2023 01:04

Move on OP, your beautiful kids are worth more than this horrible treatment. Cut her off, nasty woman.

Thank you most definitely the kids are worth so much more than this treatment. 5 years of trying and two ivf cycles my mil doesn't know how fortunate she is or was

OP posts:

Original poster

Bizbybee · 01/01/2023 01:14

TrimTheTree · 01/01/2023 01:05

Yep she did that was the final straw. It's been years of torment first it stated with how I wasn't good enough to Marry her son, which she later tried to say she meant no one would be . I can live with her doing crap to me but not my kids

OP posts:

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/01/2023 01:35

Don’t waste your money or time buying her gifts in future. Take the ones you have for her back to the shops for a refund and spend it on your kids.

Nanatokidsdogshampsters · 01/01/2023 12:09

Someone who is physically abusive doesn't deserve to have any contact from you.
If she can't be nice to children that shows what a bitch she is.
Think of the positives. You won't be spending money on the old bat.
At least you won't have to look after her when she's old.

JoyPeaceSleep · 01/01/2023 12:19

/she should have but she didn't. You always knew that she had more attention for her other grandchildren and taking her to task on that made her withdraw instead of trying to prove you wrong.

Accept that it is how it is. You were right in your initial 'take' of the situation and putting that to her made her defensive and she 'fled' instead of trying to fix things.

My own family of origin is a complete mess but they like to pretend it's all good on the surface. I also had years and years of feeling x should speak to me, y ought to see things how they really are et cetera. But people don't do what they should do. They do what suits their narrative. and if their narrative is that you're in the wrong and they're the victim of you then you will be pushing water up hill forever hoping that they do what they ought to do. They won't.

You have a husband and a family on your side so value that and try try try to put his mother out of your head.

There are some good clips on youtube about rumination that helped me. Rumination is bad. Acceptance is the place to head towards. Harder to do it than type it I know.

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