Toddler completely ignores instructions

[PollyPeter]

Is this normal?!
My DS is 20 months and has recently started to completely ignore any instruction, or rather misten to the instruction, understand it and purposely disobey/ do the opposite anyway. Its like speaking to a brick wall and I can't help thinking DH and I are just lacking the correct skills to communicate with a toddler?! I say clearly what the instruction is and why, things like... Don't stand in the dogs water bowl, ur feet will get wet and you will slip over. Bring that toy inside if you leave it out it will get wet and dirty. He just looks at me and then carries on with his own course of action. If I then intervene a tantrum ensues. It's driving me crazy, I feel so useless as a mother.
Today has been non stop disobedience and tantrums. We were supposed to go out this afternoon and just decided we couldn't face it. Feeling very fed up!
Any shared experience / advice welcome.

Listen not misten!

100% normal!

He is 20 months
He does not understand the "why " part
Show him what you want him to do

Remove the water bowl and move him away

...Don't stand in the dogs water bowl, ur feet will get wet and you will slip over.....

Let him get wet feet say look wet feet, not in doggy bowl. Place mat under dog bowl when he goes near mat say no and move him away and redirect to a toy

, Bring that toy inside if you leave it out it will get wet and dirty,

He wont understand or be bothered. He is not yet two

"Let s bring toy inside, come with me, then play with xxx "

Now /then

He wont be harmed by expressing his frustration in a tantrum but whst communication does he have? Try being clear use visuals
Go park
show photo of park etc

There’s a normal part of boundary pushing, because much as we like to say we’re consistent, there’s stuff that we will let slide on occasion and then there are the absolute hard nos. Think playing with food versus running into traffic. Toddlers are just figuring it all out and where they stand.

Scrapping the outing was probably a mistake although I totally sympathise with the can’t be arsed! I find mind need daily airings to let off steam and cooped at home it’s inevitable they’ll start to get bored and start dropping duplo in the cat’s water bowl or worse.

Sharp no and redirect into something appropriate works best too, a long winded explanation of your socks will get wet and then you may slip is a lot for a 20MO and he probably doesn’t understand half of it, even if he is a smart cookie!

If you suspect hearing issues too then see the GP but if they’re anything like mine and ignore being told off but can still identify the rustle of a chocolate wrapper from the other room then I wouldn’t worry. They’re trying little creatures at times!

Yes, he is not even 2 yet! You are definitely talking too much to him, they don't get the long winded "why" and in my experience barely even comprehend natural consequences at that age, until about 3ish. I think you probably have a very good communicator and you are overestimating how much he is comprehending. I swear they just hear white noise with key words thrown in. Obviously some of it is disobedience as they learn to be a human and push boundaries and experiment with the world!

Distraction and very clear sentences

"Don't stand in the dog's water bowl you'll get wet feet and slip over"
-> Go to eye level, say toddler name, "Toddler, that bowls is for Doggy to drink. Not standing."

Then if no reply, perhaps physically pick up and move out of the bowl. "If you'd like to play with water shall we have a bath/pour some water in and out of bowls etc whatever activity" in a really Cbeebies cheery voice

raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/behaviour-management-tips-tools

Thanks all. Definitely no problem with his hearing, he hears the instruction and looks directly at me and does the opposite, it's more a testing boundaries issue than a comprehension issue I think. It feels like purposeful defiance and I guess I'm wondering if that's normal at this age... Seems as though it probably is.

Will move towards reducing "explanation" I just feel like I am saying Don't do.... So often that I should at least be justifying why 😂

And I completely agree that we shouldn't cancel going out as he needs the change of environment, we also have a 3 week old and I think today I am just too sleep deprived to face the battles in public!

A lot of its age appropriate boundary pushing.

Keep instructions short and simple.

Phrase things in the positive, avoid starting every sentence 'no' or 'don't', tell them what they should do, not what they shouldn't.

'Come away from the water bowl please'.
'Bring the toy inside please'.

At this age you will have to resort to physical intervention reasonably often, it's an unrealistic to expect him to hear what you say, comprehend it and carry it out most of the time.

Toddlers are like puppies, too many words are confusing.

“Stop!” or “Dont stand there!” is enough and once you have his attention and he has obeyed you can explain why.

Oh new baby too!! That’s a lot of change for a little one! Add in some sibling related jealousy and it’s all definitely normal. And I have every sympathy about not leaving the house!

As for no versus not no- that’s a parenting style and very personal. Genuinely no disrespect at all but I couldn’t disagree more with PP about positive phrasing saying please. I’m sure they probably feel the same about my sharp nos 🤣 So yup parenting styles, there are many, you have to find your way. The only way you’re going wrong is in your expectations about how much he can realistically understand at that age. Find your style and whatever that is, be sure to keep it short and simple and be prepared to physically intervene too 😀

"Will move towards reducing "explanation" I just feel like I am saying Don't do.... So often that I should at least be justifying why 😂"

Stop think and say what you do want him to do
Move away from doggy bowl
Come to play here
Bring toy inside

My DD is 28 months and exactly the same, she just blanks us when we say no or stop or don't do that, it's as if she's gone deaf. I think its 100% defiance in her case and she thinks if she just ignores you you'll leave her be. What usually happens is I ask a couple of times then remove her or remove whatever it is she shouldn't have. But it is frustrating!

"How to talk so little kids will listen" is a fantastic book and well worth reading at this stage!

If this disobedience is new then it's 💯 to do with new baby! Make sure he feels loved and included, and a special big brother.

Thanks everyone, I love the puppies analogy!
I actually downloaded the How to Talk... book yesterday after seeing it mentioned on other threads, just need to find the time to read it!
Very reassuring to hear I'm not alone and agree that the new baby is likely an element of what's going on but tbh he had starting pushing boundaries before the baby was born. His favourite for a while has been to throw food off the high chair and when you say don't throw that, look right at you and throw... so can't place all the blame on new baba!

100% normal. Two things that (sometimes) work for us -

Tell them what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do. ‘Stand on the mat’ is better than ‘don’t stand in the water’, because with the latter they’re inclined to focus on ‘stand in the water’.

Give them a silly instruction if they are about to do something you don’t want. If you suddenly say ‘DC blow a raspberry’ they’re inclined to giggle and look at you, and forget the havoc they were planning to cause.

Possibly but he'll have known/sensed that change (and possibly anxiety?) was in the air.