Co-parenting 6 month old

[Butterflybaby1]

To cut an extremely long story short I’m looking for some advice on co parenting for 6 month old baby.

Dad was present at birth, then didn’t see baby for 5 months and came to see her last week. I personally would have liked to not allow contact however I feel that isn’t my place and my baby would rather know her father than to grow up and wonder.

Dad is saying he wants to put the past behind us and be there for the baby which for my daughters sake I’m happy to do so however I’m worried about a lot of things that I know I will have to get over.

i exclusively breast feed and I’m wanting to carry on until DD is 1 however she will take a bottle with expressed breast milk which I’m now wishing I didn’t disclose to dad as he is already pushing for contact without me present and I know I will have to allow this sooner or later.

Dad got into new relationship nearer the end of my pregnancy and now has another baby on the way so DD will be around new partner which I feel is difficult for me to comprehend right now as I still feel very bitter about how things have turned out with me and DD dad. I was lead to believe we were working things out and wasn’t aware of the OW until DD was a couple days old.

CM has been arranged, dad isn’t on BC and DD has my surname so it’s just contact that I’m struggling with and I don’t want my own feelings to get in the way with DD having a bond and relationship with her dad even though he hasn’t been present other than last week, I know that dad wouldn’t put her in danger and because of that I just don’t feel it’s my right to not allow him to see her.

any advice appreciated!

Forgot to add that I’m finding it hard to know that when dad does have DD away from me, the thought of OW being around her, cuddling with her etc makes me feel so upset. I just hate that I have to share my baby with another woman and I hate that there is another baby coming soon but I know these are things I will need to get over as I have no control over but I’d really like to know how other people have overcome or would over come these things?

I wouldn’t. As soon as their baby arrives, yours will get dropped like a hot rock

@PopUpMoon this is what I was worried about, I just want to do the best for my daughter but it’s so hard to know what to do for the best 😩

I’d very cautious. No contact for 5 months. Then rocks up. Absolutely not. Baby would not be going out of my sight for a very long time.

Where has he been for 5 months? What his ridiculous excuse for not seeing his own child? Why now? My baby would not be leaving my side until at least 1 year old and until he's had consistent contact and shown commitment. He can't just rock up after 5 months and expect you to hand over your baby.

He's been back in the frame for one week .. it's way too early to be thinking about visits without you there. He's a stranger to her basically. He needs to prove himself more at this point.

@PopUpMoon thank you I agree but he’s making me feel like I’m being bitter and that I should be allowing him to jump straight in just because he’s now ready to. I don’t like speaking about the situation with friends and family as it’s quite embarrassing to be honest so I only hear his view and those around him which is starting to make me question myself but everyone seems to be saying what I’ve been thinking!

@wishuponastar1988 so his step sister died the same day our daughter was born, he claimed he needed time and space and I offered support but when he didn’t even check up on us after baby was 5 days old I had a go at him which led him to disclose he was in a relationship, had no intentions of us getting back together and claims he’s only stayed away so long due to me being insensitive about the step sisters passing who he wasn’t even close to and hasn’t seen for years, wasn’t even welcome to attend the funeral for.

@GoT1904 i feel the same way however it was a struggle to be around him when he did come, some how I still have feelings for him after everything and doing everything alone. Where I feel so hurt about how things have happened I started to genuinely believe that he was right, that I’m being bitter by not letting him have baby for the day away from me when he is a literal stranger to her.

I don’t want to be away from baby but I also don’t want him around me right now, I only found out about the baby on the way in October and my mental health is suffering because of it so I just don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t want to deprive my daughter of a father but then I also need to ensure im okay to be able to care for her! Such a sh*t situation

It’s way too early to be thinking about visits without you there - contact is for DDs sake not his and a breastfed 6 month old is going to be best getting to know him while you’re around, for an hour or two at a time with you there - somewhere you’re both comfortable.

You poor thing. You must do what is right for you and your dd. Don't bend over backwards to facilitate a relationship with him. My dad was very unreliable. I honestly think it would have been better to have minimal contact than to have that lack of consistency.

I'm so sorry, it sounds really tough.

@PinkDaffodil2 That’s very true thank you for putting it like that! He said I should stop breastfeeding because she’s too attached to me as if she would have any sort of attachment to him it’s mind blowing! So I know she wouldn’t be happy to be away from me especially any time soon, I’m her comfort as of now.

@shreddies Thank you for that because I always wonder what she would’ve wanted in the future, I just really want to do right by her but on the other hand I don’t want her to feel unwanted or unloved by her own dad. I think what I’m going to do is carry on doing what I’ve been doing and let him come over if he even suggests doing so again and leave it as that until she’s 1 and go from there. At least right now it won’t affect her!

Forget about coparenting right now. Your DD only knows you right now. If he is going to be a decent dad then he should be able to see that it’s not the right time for your DD. He has to build up a bond and prove himself to be a reliable parent.

Let him take you to court. By the time that happens, his new baby will be here and he'll be over trying to impress his new partner.

If he'd come in softly softly wanting to build a proper relationship with his child and rebuild trust with you, I might have answered differently but he's putting tonnes of pressure on you, making it about him, not the baby.

He has no legal rights, so he’d have to apply for those before he can then apply for mediation and then a C100. You’re talking around 18 months to get to the first C100 meeting. It won’t even get that far.

Him barging in and making demands screams that he’s unstable, possibly abusive, and may well be doing this to upset his new girlfriend.

Trust your instincts, you are her mum and you know her better than anyone in the world.
Keep her close. My DS wasn't away from me at all until he was about 12 months, and I was still together with his father.
You do not need to let her be alone with him until you are ready.

This is way too fast, as others have said. Regardless of the circumstances (his excuses) you didn't get to cop out of parenting and you have done every single second day and night for that time. Not a hope in hell he would be seeing my baby alone for a long long time.

As PPs have said, your ex is being totally unreasonable.

If he's serious about being a good dad he'll be paying towards her. That's a good marker of whether he's genuine.
Is he?

Totally agree.

Hugs Op.

Please don't rush into visits etc, I don't think you need to given the non contact - as in, I don't think any judge / court would force that.

I would allow him to visit, with you (& someone else?) there, in your home if you're happy with that (??). Let him prove himself as reliable, until after the other baby has arrived & slowly slowly build from there.

Be kind to yourself. You are behaving admirably.

If you can afford to get some legal advice I would do that - I found it helpful to know what the likely position of a judge /court would be to know what I had to work towards in terms of contact etc. I think you may be pleasantly surprised - but then again, keep your expectations low just in case.

Good luck,

Yes just say for the moment it's just short visits with you present. It's been a week, he's got some cheek!!!

Thank you for the reply’s! Definitely made me realise I’m not the one in the wrong here so I really appreciate that as like I said I don’t really speak about it to anyone close to me so it’s hard to know whether it is me being difficult or not! He does pay CM- a whole £30 a month 😅he’s not working and hasn’t been since we broke up so when I told him to take it to court he said he can’t afford it. I said we need mediation etc but he always comes with how we need to communicate like adults but the “communication” is him just constantly blaming everything onto me. As sad as it is for my daughter im hoping it does just fade off with him by the time the new baby arrives but time will tell!

wish you all a happy new year! X

I wouldn't let him, if it was me I'd be hoping he forgot about her once the new baby comes.
He's an arsehole, gets you pregnant doesn't support you and gets someone else pregnant too, what a wonderful human being. X

@allboysherebutme I just don’t want to be the one who prevents her from having a father, even though he’s done that himself already. I just wish I changed my number etc like I said I would and made it abit more difficult to be reached but in all honesty he hasn’t contacted me since about arranging to see her again and he’s gone from birth- 6 months without seeing her so he could very well try and pop round again in 6 months time which I definitely won’t allow.

just upsets me so much how someone could watch their baby be brought into the world and go home and not bother for 6 months. She’s my absolute world and I’ll never understand!

Is there an update on this ? In a somewhat similar situation