Does regretting having a child make you a bad parent?

[pzyck]

I'm not suggesting the parent doesn't love or care for the child, but if they could go back in time with the knowledge they have now, they would choose otherwise.

Also I'm not asking about myself, DS is the best thing that's ever happened to me, but his father often talks about how much he misses life and our relationship before him (which ordinarily I would call a normal reaction to being a first time parent, but he simultaneously acts like he can't be bothered and makes very little effort with DS which is where the context of the question comes from).

Your DH shouldn't be laying his shitty attitude on you but should be talking to more fathers.

Doesn't he have any friends?

I don’t regret my DS or the baby I am due next year.

But I don’t enjoy the particular stage at parenting I’m at either. DS is two, he’s lovely but it’s so full on. I’m very tired, I struggle to get through the days as like most parents of toddlers we spend a lot of time out of the house and in bad weather finding things to do is a challenge. I desperately want and need some time to myself but by evening when DS is in bed I’m too tired to enjoy it properly.

I love him dearly and would have him again a thousand times because I have an eye to the long view. I know there will come a time when it’s easier, when he’ll be able to chat with me, play independently, get up without waking me.

So no, I wouldn’t ever choose otherwise but I am going into this pregnancy with eyes wide open - I know how hard it is now and I really didn’t before!

You should be able to talk to your spouse about anything.

It makes you an honest parent, not a bad one.

I think coming to terms with the regret and grieving what you’ve lost is important, otherwise those feelings can leak into the relationship with your child. All parents need to do that to some extent just to say goodbye to child free life, but it sounds like your DH has work to do if he wants to have a good relationship with his child.

I think that can be a recipe for wrecking a marriage! It’s tough to ask a spouse to be everything for you.

His spouse isn't a father as well.

He is more likely to find other men who felt the way he did.

That's why their are prenatal and parenting groups targeted at men.

Well, I think you can regret parenthood and be a good parent... I have known people who claim to love parenthood and are dreadful parents! I think some regret is inevitable for a lot of people (certainly people I know). Parenting is difficult in ways that it is hard to imagine until you are in it. What age is your son?

Not sure why it would? I’m a lone parent and my kids have disabilities if I had my time again I definitely wouldn’t have had children!

There are many times I feel like I miss how things were before and find being a parent very hard work. I often try harder to be a "good" parent when I am enjoying it less. There are also times I utterly love it. I think there is a difference between not enjoying/regretting bits which can be normal, but then not making an effort is quite different.

I think it’s a very self indulgent and pessimistic thing to do. The reality is that his life isn’t what it was. He can either get on with it and forge a positive future for himself and his family, or he can continue to dwell on the past and be miserable.

I do and so I try very hard to be a good mother (sandwichs cut into hearts, reading parenting books, bloody hours and hours in softplay take her to toddler plays, reading playing etc etc). Some of us find afterwards we aren’t cut out for parenting (Dd is a great kid it’s not her).

The bit I would be worried about is the not making an effort. It really is quite irrelevant how you feel about anything once you are a parent you have a job to do it and you owe it to your kids to try to do it.

And???? You should still be able to confide in your partner.

You’re not asking them to “be everything” but you should be able to talk to them about anything.