Hitting - moral support please

[Algor1thm]

My 2.5 year old DS has been doing lots of hitting recently. Sometimes in anger and sometimes for seemingly no reason - to get attention? He also throws things and sometimes bites. I know this is all developmentally appropriate but it's really starting to embarrass me (if in front of others)/get me down. I find it really triggering if I'm honest. If I had done that when I was a child I'd have been punished, probably smacked. I follow gentle parenting and enforce boundaries without punishing. Obviously this is much less effective at stopping the behaviour in the short term but I hope less psychologically damaging in the long term. Despite believing in the principles of GP I can't help but worry I'm raising an aggressive terror.

95% of the time he's a delight to us, and he's only aggressive to me and his dad, never other children. Nursery say he's lovely and have never reported any aggression. He generally says sorry of his own accord after hurting us and gives us a hug.

Can anyone reassure me that he'll grow out of this and be a nice adult? Any tips for stopping the behaviour (not unrelated punishments)?

What do you do at the moment when he hits (or bites, etc)?

Personally I would suggest saying loudly (not shouting) "No, don't hit". And physically removing yourself from him. Stop whatever you were doing and go somewhere he cannot reach you. Then say "hitting hurts. I won't play with you when you hit me". Once he calms down and apologises you hug and go back to playing.

Thanks. Yep this is exactly what I do. But it's usually immediately followed by a "sorry mummy, cuddle me" and I find it hard to know what to follow that with.

You can follow gentle parenting and still punish them for misbehaving. He needs to understand early that actions have consequences and at 2.5 he is not too young for a timeout.

He only hits you and his dad ? That is not ok. Look you are the parents do not ever let your child hit you. It is not damaging to a child to be told right from wrong in a firm way. A stern no and walking away with zero attention afterwards is what is needed. No cuddles that is wrong a d he needs to know it is is wrong you then talk to him afterwards and tell him to never do that again and you need to mean it

I think this is a phase and he’ll get over it. Don’t let it worry you too much, typically toddler stuff.

You can't follow gentle parenting and give timeouts, they're completely opposed to one another. A timeout is a completely illogical consequence and isn't effective with a 2 year old.

We do say no firmly and walk away. But he comes up afterwards and says sorry and tries to stroke wherever he hit us and says he wants to cuddle us to make us happy. How long am I supposed to refuse to cuddle him for? I do sometimes say that I don't feel like cuddling when I've just been hurt, but I also feel like it's good that he feels sorry and wants to make amends and I don't really want to teach him not to accept people's apologies or make him give up on apologising altogether.

He's aware hitting isn't a nice behaviour by the fact he intuitively apologises, so you must be on the right track. Is he too young for you to try and understand why he hits? Can you ask him what he needs when he hits you or how he's feeling and (if you can find it) work on alleviating the root cause? If it's just for fun, perhaps buy him a drum or something it's appropriate to hit and encourage him to redirect that energy, safely, elsewhere.

Sometimes it's obvious frustration or anger - I turn the TV off or refuse to give him something he wants, he hits me. Other times he just does it for no clear reason. It's often if I'm busy doing something else so I think it's to get attention. I'm torn sometimes between whether to ignore it or tell him off. Is telling him off giving him attention and feeding the behaviour? He's not bothered by being told off at all. Even if I walk away he doesn't really care. The drum is a great idea. We've mostly stopped the biting by redirecting the behaviour onto a teething ring every time.

Are you giving clear warnings of when the TV is going off or when you need to move onto the next thing? That helps a lot I find with my DS - as does giving little jobs, if he's tasked with getting his hat to go out he's more likely to be less bothered about the TV going off.

I have a 2.5 year old who has just come out of a hitting phase. The hitting was usually when he was overexcited and was generally directed at his sister. I didn’t think I would use time out type techniques but I found they were actually quite effective because it was 2 minutes space to calm down, which he needed. My little boy’s understanding and communication is very good so he knew why he was being told to sit down quietly for a few minutes. I never shouted or reacted angrily, I just gently removed him from the situation and explained he would be sitting on the sofa/chair for two minutes because he had hit his sister. When the two mins were up I would take him to apologise.

Your OP explained why you have chosen to use GP, which I completely respect. I’m not super strict and I don’t ‘punish’ by taking things away or shouting or making ridiculous threats. I grew up in a shouty house, which I hated, so I make a point of being calm and never losing my temper. I can however still be emphatic and enforce boundaries. I don’t tolerate hitting or rudeness and both of my children know that. There’s a balance to parenting and sometimes labels such as GP are unhelpful as they close us off to considering other ideas and approaches. Boundaries are important and at the age of 2, they don’t always understand words or can’t calm themselves down enough to process what you are saying.

My son’s self control has noticeably improved over the past few weeks, which I think is just developmental but it’s made a big difference to the impulsive lashing out. Maybe your little boy needs a bit more time. Turning a feral beast of a 2 year old into a civilised human isn’t quick and you’ve chosen an approach that probably will be slower. If you believe in it then stick with it, if not then maybe just try adjust it slightly.

Thanks for your reply! I think I instinctively move away from time outs because I was often sent to my room for long periods of time as a child and remember being desperate to reconnect with my mum and unable to calm down by myself, and being left alone to cope with my emotions. There are definitely ways to do time outs that are 'gentler' than this and I'm sure not damaging. My husband has been doing a hybrid version of this sometimes where he removes him from the situation when he's over-excited e.g. takes him to a quiet room until he's calm and stays with him. I think that's helped, we probably need to do it more consistently. Parenting when you had an abusive childhood yourself is a minefield.

I think there's oftentimes a misconception that GP means letting children do, pretty much literally, whatever they like... which it's not. Teaching boundaries is absolutely vital, but should be done with the understanding of what a child's brain at any particular age is biologically capable of processing, and understanding what underlying message is being conveyed if a parent shouts, ignores, isolates, etc.

Parenting when you had an abusive childhood yourself is a minefield.

preach. OP, you are doing an amazing job. You are being considerate and kind to your child, while also providing him with the boundaries he needs to be a secure, happy, healthy member of society. That's hard enough to do even with a roadmap! Your instincts are good, and your child is 2. He'll get there. Keep trusting your gut and holding kind, firm lines and you'll be golden. Well done.

Thank you, this made me cry after a tough day ❤️