18 month old tantrums...losing the will!!

[Namechange285]

Anyone else seriously losing their mind with a tantruming toddler? DD is 18 months old, cheeky and very clever, but I am struggling with her epic tantrums. I have a friend with a child the same age, who has just jetted off on a long haul (8 hr) flight with her DD, while I'm still struggling to have a successful trip into town for an hour!! Am I doing something horribly wrong with her routine or is this age just a nightmare? She's always been very high maintenance but the tantrums are draining my soul!

Here are today's events:
Woke 7am - had some milk
8am - breakfast, then played with toys
10am - Drove to town (small protest getting in car seat)
Let her walk through shopping centre holding my hand (which she did nicely)
Went into Clarks to get shoes measured- epic tantrum when she couldn't take all the shoes home, lying on floor screaming/crying.
10.30am - Placated with a banana
11am - Another epic tantrum because she couldn't pull the baubles off the Christmas tree in town. Then refused to hold hands so was put in buggy.
11.30 - Sacked off town, came home and had lunch in front of tv as I'd lost the will
12.15 - Nap

Any advice/commiserations appreciated!

Our daughter is 16 months and I feel similar a lot of days. It seems like everything we do is a battle and I look at people walking round with calm children content in their buggies thinking 'what on Earth have I done to cause this'! We've given up going to shopping centres for the reasons you've outlined and also limit going out for a coffee or whatever with friends to the bare minimum as it is just absolute carnage. I'm persevering with going out in the buggy to the park locally as we can't be at home all the time (and she gets bored there anyway), although the weather is making that hard at the moment. Two indoor things we know go down well usually are swimming and soft play so we're doing those more. Basically just leaning into the things we know are easier and avoiding the things we know are a nightmare at the moment, hoping it is all just a phase and will pass! It is so very exhausting though. Not helped by the fact she is VERY anti daddy currently so the demand on me feels really high (it's either that or screaming meltdowns). Hugs and solidarity.

Your friend’s long haul flight is not comparable! On flights it’s unlimited ipad for hours on end and have an m&m every time they start fussing- I doubt I’d have tantrums if I did that at home too 🤣But that would be shitty parenting so obviously I don’t.

Your DD sounds normal. Give good behaviour loads of positive attention (so heaps out the praise for walking nicely). Ignore tantrums so at home I walk off to another room. Out of the house it’s bundled into the stroller and off we go. It’s ok to cut yourself some slack and allow a TV lunch on occasion. You’re doing fine!

Poor you. Toddlers are tough. Shoe shops and Christmas trees are hard for us to navigate too. If it helps, there's always a toddler having a meltdown in our local Clark's! We were at a Christmas party last night and all the toddlers were pulling the baubles off the tree too. It's tedious for adults to manage but very normal.

I like the 'how to talk so little kids will listen book' from 18 months-2 onwards and the Good Inside/Unruffled podcasts - both of which give practical advice about toddler tantrums.

Its very dated now but Toddler Taming is helpful too. It's not rocket science but recommends just going along with things and accepting this is how toddlers behave and that it's an important part of their development.

Oh and I know this is about the tantrums but I bought the start rite measuring guage so do all foot measuring at home and order online now. Absolute game charger!!

My only tip is to avoid places like town, supermarkets, cafes and restaurants, badically anywhere civilised until they are older and more reasonable. I know it's not always possible, so if you can't - keep it short always have an escape plan if they kick off.

Take them to the park, playground, soft play, toddler groups - these are generally places where you can lie on the floor and scream and get away with it!

They aren't like this forever, although it seems like it at the time.

What are her language skills like? I think a lot of tantrums at this stage are caused by frustrations around communication - they're starting to know what they want but can't always communicate it or understand why it doesn't / can't happen. I find it really helpful to repeat everything my DD says so I can't check I've understood and she knows I've heard and understood her. (Also helps to further develop her language.) If she wants something she can't have and starts to get cross about it, I acknowledge it and help to label the feeling. Something like "I know you really want to take the baubles off the tree, it's sad when I say no isn't it?" I also try and offer a positive alternative / distraction so it's not just "no", e.g. "Look at the baubles! Can you point to your favourite? I like this one..." Etc.

Sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs there, I by no means get it right all the time!

You can buy Clarks foot measures online, use at home then get shoes online cheaper.

In this specific example, you need to do stuff that's more child friendly.

Look at that day again through her eyes.

Strapped into a car seat - opportunity to explore and experiment - none.

Walk through a shopping centre, but need to hold hands - stuff to look at, but opportunity to engage with the environment/touch stuff/explore - very little.

Shoe shop - not allowed to touch the shoes or examine stuff in the way she wants - opportunity to explore - very little.

Walking through the shopping centre again - lovely shiny baubles - opportunity to explore that further - nil.

Strapped into a buggy - opportunity to explore - nil.

Strapped back into the car seat - opportunity to explore - nil.

It's just a rubbish day for an 18 month old! Take her somewhere where she has the freedom to explore and follow her lead.

You have my sympathy. Just to reassure you that you're not doing anything wrong. I have 3 sons, now all adults. When they were toddlers my first 2 were a dream. Not a tantrum between them. Number 3 had constant, epic tantrums that became legendary in my village. I didn't do anything different with him than the other two. It was just him. He's still quite a prickly character.
This too will pass.

In my experience it's just their personality it's not you. We've got twins and one tantrums the other is chilled, we have always treated them exactly the same.
Good advice from 3ormorecharacters. I found The Whole-Brain Child an interesting read.
It was useless trying to get mine to actually do anything (confirm to instructions etc) while she was deep in the tantrum because her little head was just exploding. Just had to be there for her when she was ready. Distraction worked quite well for her as it would pull her out of it.

Mines 21 months and her tantrums are epic. She is an absolute joy most of the time but when she loses it there's no calming her down until she's ready. At the moment it seems to be waking up that makes her the most angry (she probably gets that from me) she won't be distracted, she won't be placated. I just leave her to it and let her get herself back together in her own time.

I agree with another poster, none of this sounds very child friendly imo

im lucky. My lo is 15 months old and loves being in the buggy watching the world but if I know he’s going to be in it a while I’ll wear him out beforehand. We spend most days at soft play, could you do that? If you need to go shopping head to soft play first, let her run off energy and give her lunch while you’re shopping?

but none of that routine sounds very fun for an 18 month old. They’re intrigued little people they don’t want to be sat in a car seat or buggy most Of the day, they also don’t understand why they can’t do XYZ. I read a quote and I’ll live by it - they’re not giving you a hard time they’re having a hard time

also, sensitive subject, but honestly stopping all tv works wonders!

DS1 was a calm, happy baby and toddler- few meltdowns
DD was much more demanding and had many meltdowns
DS2 - is like DS1

I was at my wits end with DD - she drained me with her behaviour. I found it so wearing and felt like I must just be crap. I gave up one day and didn't react in the supermarket when she cried, wailed and stamped her feet because she wasn't allowed to take books off a shelf. I didn't put her back in the trolley seat or leave the supermarket, I opened a packet of biscuits, gave her one - didn't say anything and kept going and she followed me.

It was a turning point. I kind of learned that my reacting and restricting her was adding to the problem. I changed lots of what we did, took her places she could be more free in what she did so she also tired herself out more and tried really hard to not react. When she went to nursery regularly it made a big difference.
We had a big battle with clothes- she would refuse to wear anything but 'shorts, mummy'. Cold days, hot days, wet days, snow days, it was shorts. I gave up on that one. She wore shorts every day for about 2 years. Shorts with thick tights, jumpers, a coat and wellies if it was cold or raining or snowing. She wore shorts to weddings, parties, when she was a snowflake in the nativity (under a tutu), shorts over her leotard at ballet. They weren't particularly nice shorts- she liked 3 pairs of navy blue shorts which had elastic waists and were faded from so much washing. I stopped trying to persuade her into anything else so it wasn't a bone of contention any more.
Just picked my battles and they were few and far between.

Thanks for all the solidarity, book/podcast recommendations and tips! I should clarify this isn't her typical 'routine' in terms of activities, we just needed to go into town today! We usually do toddler friendly activities such as soft play/play dates/park (weather allowing) although obviously sometimes have to get errands etc done too. Was just wanting to check there wasn't anything glaringly'wrong' in terms of food/nap timings etc. I do think as others have said it's a personality thing, as often she will have a meltdown even in toddler friendly environments eg when we leave soft play or if I need to take a toy back etc (despite best efforts at distraction etc). In terms of language she is very good...I'd say she knows around 100 words/some two word phrases, but I suppose there is still some element of frustration when she can't get her point across. She just seems to go from zero to tantrum in no time at all! Reassuring to here this is not unusual though!

Do you give a warning of the transition that's about to help? Eg we're going out in ten minutes, we'll get our shoes on soon, then a five and one minute warning.

She's moving from being totally dependent to realizing she can influence things a bit but it's super frustrating to be carted about all the time. A little warning gives them a heads up what to expect so it's less (for them) like random, sudden things happening they have no control of.

@Squamata Good tip, thanks! I do try and give warnings and it works sometimes, I think especially if I just describe things in order like 'we'll have a snack and then go to the park' etc. I think it's less effective if she's tired or really engrossed in something as then she just tunes me out

Yeah I have found the same. I fussed over PFB when he was a tantruming toddler, his tantrums were epic. I don't have the time or patience for that with DC2 so she just gets told 'alright that's enough' and chivvied along to the next thing. They're over as quick as they started with her, I think she knows they'll never get her anyway!

Also OP you are asking for trouble letting an 18 month old walk round the shops if she doesn't like the buggy will she sit in a trolley?

@MeinKraft good point, I definitely try not to react too much but could do better at this when in public! Also my DH is a massive softy so I think this feeds into the tantrums sometimes.

Interesting to hear your pov re: walking round the shops too. I guess that's the problem when it's your first...you have no idea what they're ready to do and when, so it's all just trial and error! Have been to nice open space country park type places the last few days, and that's been much more successful!