Relationship struggle

[anotheronettc]

Me and my partner love each other a lot. We've had a fair number of tough challenges together during our relationship.

Since having a baby we've gone through ups and downs (baby is now 7 months). At times we have talked about divorce and the next week we laugh about it. I understand it's normal and we do our best not to argue in front of our son.

I am struggling with post partum depression and suicidal ideation but I know I'll get through it. It's just tough at the moment.

Over Christmas I have found it hard. Staying at my in laws noisy house etc.
Anyway one night I said that I don't like how his father says that when my son stays over they easily get him to bed at 6pm (because I know in reality he is waking him after that time they just ignore him in his cot) where in reality he doesn't do his proper sleep until about 9 or 10.
Anyway my husband said
"One day im going to get so annoyed at you I'll push you in front of a bus"

He apologised later. But it's kind of stuck with me.

Anyway today I woke up super depressed and worked so so hard to pull myself out of it and have a good day with my son. But I said to my partner I didn't want to go over to his parents for a big family meal tonight as my mental health is bad and I just can't go over and fake a smile. I even told my sister in law the reason and she was fine. My husband understood and told me not to worry he would take our son over in the pram.

I met with a friend and had a nice chat and came home at 9 and went to bed. My husband at 11pm said that our son was asleep and that he didn't want to wake him and walk him home in the cold so he'd stay at his parents with him and bring him home in the morning. I said yes that's probably best.

Anyway.. 4am comes and I hear the front door. It's my husband with our baby. He decided he wasn't Goinh to stay and he'd walk our baby home in the pram. My husband stank of booze and although he'd put loads of blankets over baby, he didn't have his coat on.

I said its unacceptable he should be tucked up in bed. It's not normal to be doing this you're drunk etc etc.

Anyway my husband thinks I'm mental and turned on me saying I'm a terrible mother (which I am absolutely not) and that he's embarrassed I wasn't there tonight and then whispered to our son "sorry it didn't work out" implying he is going to divorce me.

I feel so lost.

Any advice.
I really love my husband and want it to work. I know he'd never harm our baby but I don't think it's acceptable. This is not helping my depression at all but I think he is depressed to.

Anyway my baby is asleep in his cot beside me now so that's one good thing.

With a baby of a similar age (5.5m) when you got home and 9pm and off to bed did you not think to ask then when we was coming home? I'm my opinion I would say that's too late and cold to walk back? Just reads like we haven't had the full pic op.

Also it sounds like a regular occurrence that he has sleep overs at grandparents which is fine for some I guess but you have already said he goes to bed at 6pm and gets ignored by them?

For me I couldn't be without my lo with the circumstances you have described so I think you need to address those issues along with support and help for your pnd ? Do you have any?

Yes it's hard having a baby and like I said I have a baby of a similar age and I'm exhausted and hardly get any good sleep so I can definitely relate but recently married me and my partner never talk about divorce infact it's the complete opposite after only being married 3 weeks ( together 8 years )
Yes it's hard having a baby but you need to work together and it sounds like there's loads resentment between you two atm

And no definitely not I would not be happy lo being taken home at 4am but I wouldn't put myself in that position in the first place -

From what you’ve said the relationship sounds toxic. I’d say you need to separate.
And allowing your baby to stay somewhere where he is ignored in his cot is not right either. What if he vomited and was left in it ?

Your OH and his family don't sound like good people. Both taking a baby out while drunk or ignoring a crying baby in their cot are examples of really shitty behaviour.

Do all you can to work on your mental health as that's at least something you can try to make better. You can't make bad people better.

I feel for you as a sufferer of post natal depression in the past. For people who have never been depressed, it is very hard to make decisions because you can’t think logically. Your OH should be supportive of you not knocking your confidence further. I hope you have seen your GP and been offered help.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with PND. Have you got someone you can talk to today? A Counsellor or the PANDAS Foundation Helpline?

What are you doing to tackle your mental health? Medication? Therapy?

I don't think your DH sounds great at all but it's hard supporting a loved one with MH difficulties and getting on with the day to day. Christmas is a bloody hard time anyway, so much pressure, so much to do. Maybe some relationship counselling for the two of you might be suitable?

Thanks for the advice. And you're right I should be taking steps for try and improve my mental health. I'm having low days but then really great days so I'll think I'm fine again then suddenly I'm not. He is normally a great support. Just these two incidents have shocked me a bit.

Just to clarify, when I went to bed at 9 we had spoken during the evening a lot and Personally as a one off over Christmas I didn't have an issue with him walking home with the baby anytime before midnight for example. I'm not exactly strict on bedtime. However 4am is a bit much and the being drunk.

And re his parents, they don't ignore him crying I just mean they let him wake up and walk to himself but settle himself, and this was just an assumption as I've never been able to get him to sleep at 6 pm ans sleep through the night. Anyway it was a silly remark from me probably but his repspinde about pushing me in front of a bus was shocking.

Anyway I'm probably being dramatic. Our son is so well tempered and looked after please don't think he isn't. We rarely go out it's just been just at Christmas maybe I should let it go.

I think you've received some good and some poor advice here OP.

I wouldn't be ok with my partner threatening physical violence.

When, where and how you put your baby to bed is up to you. All that stuff is unrelated to the problem that he came home drunk and threatened to hurt you. You don't have to tolerate threatening behaviour.

I would call a DV charity and ask for advice. There are women on here with experience who will be in a better position to advise if there is anything you can do that may make your partner see the severity of this situation.

What’s unacceptable is your dh looking after a baby while drunk - it’s also illegal. Also unacceptable, your dh making physical threats. Work on your mental health, op. When you are feeling more in control, decide what you want to do. It may be that you need to leave your dh.

A lot of red flags here, OP. I would chat to Pandas and Women's Aid and also book in to see your GP. I could not imagine my dp ever talking to me like that and we have 2 young dc and are under a lot of pressure/not a lot of sleep.