Cutting contact with my mother

[Pellets]

I'd be interested and grateful to hear from anyone who has chosen to no longer have contact with their mother and how they coped with their feelings.
After googling for other stories and experiences it seems that my situation is unusual in that I am an only child too. All accounts I've read are from people with siblings.
My mother is 72, I'm 52 and I have 3 children. It's not the first time I've been at this stage with her but it's unlikely that there will be any incidents in the future that will change the situation.
I'm struggling to make sense of the (totally misguided) feelings of guilt and uneasiness I am experiencing.
To be clear, she has crossed a line that could actually have been an opportunity for a frank and heartfelt talk with her about my father's death and there is no coming back from it.

I can't afford counselling, my friends are very supportive and have repeatedly told me to cut contact over the decades but like some abused dog grovelling for a normal relationship I have, one way or another, been drawn back, usually by a guilt trip from previously my father, now my mother's sister who believes she is acting as peace maker.
The melt down was yesterday and even though I've been here before, this time I feel physically exhausted by it and have been unable to do anything all day. I am very worried about how this is affecting my children. I hate the fact that I must look like a child to them.

The information here is very limited but what I would say is that if there is a possibility of limiting rather than cutting contact that is often the better option

Cutting contact is rarely the panacea it may seem.

I am saying that from the point of view of not knowing the details and also Christmas being a fraught time

I should add to this that I cut off contact with my father due to his behaviour and I have a very difficult mother.

My father is now dead but I regretted not keeping up limited contact

Yes me. I did so 5 years ago when I realised that my life and relationship with her was a cycle that never changed. And no matter how much I begged her, she'd never change her behaviours.

I am freer and happier. There are times where I doubt myself. Then I hear of her kicking off at other family members in the way she used to do to me and I'm relieved that it's no longer my burden.

I have 2 DC. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

When my dm flounced from my home after yet another tantrum I didn't chase her.. Didn't hear for 10 years a word. I had cause to contact her (court reason about my exh) struggled through less than 2 years of contact then I went nc again. Been over 10 years now and for good this time. I am an only dc.

I cut contact and for my mental health and to protect my Dd it was the best thing I ever did. I wouldn’t have been able to do low contact as she would always wheedle her way back in my life, be nice for a bit and then be toxic as hell.

i was lucky I guess that my brother went NC at the same time, my dad was dead and no other relatives so no flying monkeys.

she died about six years later and I have no regrets. It was a nice six years, not having my heart sink when the phone rang wondering what the new drama was, not been put down, nagged, belittled, mocked, gas lighted, accused of not paying her enough attention, etc. it was even nicer after I knew she was dead as I no longer had to fear that she would rock up on my doorstep one day.

what would you do about seeing your dad?

I found this podcast really enlightening

open.spotify.com/episode/3wBW2wrBiUzChccxJQPI44?si=s_5EhzEISK2muGQG-HxgMA

I'm on the cusp of seeing / speaking to my mum again after 3 years NC. But I am really really struggling to do it. I know the 'rules' in my family - once we go back to speaking I'm not allowed to bring up any of the past hurts / horrible things ever again...and I'm still bloody upset!

Not the same situation as you, but this podcast was great

Hi all - thanks for your replies. Since posting I have watched some videos about this subject which, ( I now know what Flying Monkeys are!) I didn't really know was a subject but my mother, it appears has severe narcissism and to some extent my father also but mainly he was her enabler. He died a couple of years ago. TO give you an idea of what an absolutely awful human being my mother is she didn't tell me at the time that he had even gone to hospital, mainly because we had had a huge row on the phone a few months before. It was only huge because for the first time ever I stood up to father's bullying and slammed the phone down. For the first time ever I fired off a few emails explaining how I felt at their treatment etc etc. It was brave but resulted in other family members totally cutting themselves off from me and my children in order to side with them.

So the first I heard that he was ill was through my eldest son who is grown up who she still tries to manipulate. I contacted the other family members and that was OK, it turned out that he was in a coma and not expected to live. I still hadn't heard directly from my mother. They live abroad BTW. During the time he was in a coma, my mother did contact me by sending me a parcel in the post, of all the things I had given her as a child, like birthday and mother's day cards and little gifts I had made, and a nasty covering letter which I didn't read properly. Two weeks later after his death she sent me a willow thumb stick I had given him a few years back, all sawn up into little pieces. Totally nuts.
So the relationship with my relatives (also abroad) did continue and improved. But I can see now that they were just part of the silly game. Although they started to see my mother for what she is, ultimately they still felt that I have some sort of 'duty' to her especially now that she is alone. It was mainly this relationship that I was unsure of how to deal with as my mother's melt down was pretty final and I am certain I will not be pursuing her but with my aunt I just didn't know. However, I can see that she can be handled or seen in the same light as my mother herself. I fear the inevitable conversation with her and realised that this is just as bad as how I feel about my mother. So I will not be contacting her either.

I feel OK about it. Your replies and the videos I've watched have been so enlightening. Will be listening the Spotify podcast tonight. It feels like I'm vindicated.

I’m glad you have done some reading and seen the light a bit more about her. I truly believe my mum was a narcissist as well. The nasty letters rings a bell, I used to get plenty of them, they could be 7 pages long! Always convinced she was right, I was wrong and nasty, she was a victim, etc.

i hope you find some peace and realise it’s not you, it’s her. Try not to take it personally. Maybe thinking of her as being mentally ill and unable to help it may help? But don’t let that make you think you have to accept it, forgive her, put up with it, etc. you most importantly need to protect yourself.

Hi there CoffeeBoy
I've had an awareness since childhood but few buffers or safe havens as my family is very small and have always sided with my parents. as you may have felt too, facing these people or even ignoring them is scary for fear of their reactions but I really feel, for the first time that cutting them off is actually the more appealing route. My mother's behaviour and her sister's has impacted my own children and cutting ties totally will be another thing I will have to explain to them but most of it is obvious to them and they understand.