playdates - friends and younger siblings

[Nshehr344]

Just finished yet another unsuccessful playdate with my four year old and would love some advice from the MN hivemind.

DS is an only child so we do try to have their friends over quite frequently. Most of his friends have a younger sibling and usually tag along to. However, it mostly just doesnt work. Whenever we only have one of his friends over, they both have a great time. However, whenever it's their friend and younger sibling, he just finds it too much and the youngest one frequently gets left out etc. I have tried to have a chat him that he needs to include them because thats kind etc but so far nothing has worked.

I would obviously love to him to have his friends over and be invited to their houses but I just dont know how to manage this dynamic. Not sure whether it's because a group of three usually doesnt work or how best to explain to my child about including the siblings whether he wants them here or not.

It makes me despair to be honest. I also think he/we are beginning to be excluded because all his friends/our friends have two kids and essentially just meet up in pairs. Obviously, once they are older there wouldnt be such an assumption about all meeting up but there is at the moment and for the foreseeable. Anyone has any tips/suggestions?

Don’t invite the younger sibling or allow them to tag along. That’s madness and not something we ever do. I think you’re friends a taking a lend to your kindness.

But isnt it normal for the siblings to tag along? I obviously have no personal experience. My impression around here (especially at this age when parents still have to tag along) is that everyone comes over. I do appreciate that my kid should be better at managing the dynamic. I do and have spoken to him about it. I just think he finds the threes too much etc. Would it be rude to only invite the friend but not their two or three year old sibling? Genuine question.

I'm in exactly the same boat as you, OP. Although I don't want to be in charge of my child plus someone else's while their parent stays with their sibling, I think this will be the only thing that works. It's impossible for us with onlies in a world full of two or three child families.

does your DC not like younger children? Some do some don’t! If they don’t I can see this is hard. My 3 yr old wants to play with 5/6 yr olds when they come round there are a few cries etc but I let them get on with it. I’d say the friends are better with him than my DS1 in this situation. Who wants to share their friends?! Soon your DS will be in school prehaps? So plenty contact with children there and it may be less of an issue? I don’t do many play dates now oldest in school. Would their parents be happy to let older child come alone? But then you miss out in chatting to adult! Maybe it’s not your problem that young one gets left out? Do they have access to your sons toys I assume they are only about 2 so maybe happy playing with the parents and toys not following 4 yr old?! I’m not sure what the answer is, just enjoy the lack of sibling arguments you have to intervene in and trying to spend time with each child! Your DS will be fine however many play dates he gets!

You child is 4. They shouldn't have to be 'better at at managing the dynamic'.

How are these play dates arranged?

Is it a 'do you fancy coming for tea and the kids can play' so that the parents come and bring both kids or are you saying that you invite child a over and they bring b with them too?

My kids are 19 months apart. I wouldn't expect the older kids to play in the same way as the youngest.
As the parent with 2 I'd try bringing stuff to occupy the youngest.

Siblings are very much invited in our circles. It’s really hard as mine get very upset if they’re the one not invited and we manage it with parties but if it was play dates too, it would make my life difficult as I wouldn’t want to be managing the hurt feelings of the other child. I have a 5 and 3 year old for context. I would consider a drop off play date depending on who it was but wouldn’t be too impressed if someone told me to leave one of them at home as I would mostly have nobody to leave them with. Plus, it would upset them. In our circles, it’s just accepted that siblings come too if it’s at home and the parent stays too. I would say that your child would do well with learning how to play in a group as if not, they will find school very difficult. My eldest has a friend who sounds like yours, we have slowly cut contact as it’s not worth the aggro tbh as we have such busy lives anyway.

Imagine your DS had a younger sibling - What would you do with the younger sibling while you and DS go on a play date? What if the younger sibling doesn't want to be left with someone else? What if you couldn't find anyone to take the younger sibling? Would you be happy to leave your 4 year old with another parent and go back later? Would 4 year old DS be happy for you to leave?

It’s not normal, in my experience, for siblings to attend play dates. I have two children and one of them is friends with a lot of only children. When she is invited to play at the homes of her friends and I would never dream of dropping my other child there as well! Just make it clear that only 1 child is invited (but you really shouldn’t have to).

Of course, when the only children come and play at our house, they often play with both of my children. But that’s my problem to manage - sometimes the three play nicely together and sometimes they don’t. I always intervene and remove my extra child if they are causing issues, to ensure that the visitor has a good time.

Would you drop off your eldest though or would you leave your other child with someone else and stay with them at the play date? I think the Op means when the parent stays too.

Never done paydates. Free childcare and Hell on earth? Secondary school age my dc can have here who they want though!
Meet ups in soft play /similar only imo.

Just realised your child is only 4. It makes more sense for a sibling to attend if the parent comes too. But as soon as parents stop coming, the sibling should stop coming too - unless specifically invited to stay. Is your 4 year old in nursery or Reception? By Reception we used to bring friends home from school for a couple of hours and their parent would collect around 6pm after tea. In nursery, it’s a bit different and not unusual for a younger toddler to accompany Mum and older sibling on a playdate.

@Fairydustandsparklylights just realised that!
OP be assured that this is a relatively short lived issue. Start having play dates without the parent once your child and you’ll only have to have one child.

*once your child’s friends are happy to stay without their parent

DS is reception age but most parents still stay whenever we have playdates. I actually wouldn't mind having drop off playdates and have dropped DS off a couple of times. I just find it really upsetting that on the one hand DS really wants his friends over but also still cant quite manage it. I have spoken to him about it but it hasnt made any difference

Then I think you need to re word your invite. You have two options “Ds would love to have x over after school to play and for dinner. I will collect them straight from school and you can collect at say 6.30? Please let me know if X works for you.” OR “Ds would love to have X over to play on Saturday for a few hours. If you’re free, shall we say drop off at X and you can pick up at X. That should give them plenty of time”. Siblings with parents you don’t know from school is very different to siblings with Nct friends.

What do you mean by him finding it too much?

Does he get left out? Is it too noisy ?
You sharing? That might help us understand

Though IME siblings shouldn't attend unless a discussion in advance with host for a single parent for example

My question is no criticism of him btw just curious about what might help. Though he shouldn't have to manage really- little siblings can be annoying

3 is a tricky dynamic and younger siblings can be so annoying at play dates, so not sure there is a magic solution sadly. Unless any of your friends happen to have 3 children?! Or invite two families at once? But that might also be too overwhelming if you end up with 4 guest children.
Do you find a similar issue if you have a play date at a neutral location such as the park?
it seems like forever right now, but it really won’t be long before the parent stops coming - very usual by Year 1.

The parents should not expect your ds and their child to entertain the younger child.

Put out age appropriate toys for the younger child and gently encourage them.to.pkay alongside you and the other parent.

Also, aim to develop a couple of good relationships so that in the near future, at least one of two children are comfortable coming to your house without their parent (and sibling).

I think he finds three as a dynamic quite overwhelming in general. I get that it's not good and I have tried to address it with him about sharing/taking turns etc. In part, I dont know whether it's also a bit about jealousy or something though this only comes through with the younger rather than older kids. And no he's never had any interest in younger kids and just calls all of them babies.

It is easier once they start school as you pick up their friend straight from school and the parent only comes after tea to collect so no siblings involved. Could you invite two friends so the younger siblings can play together. Or you could offer a drop off play date for the friend. I think most parents with more than one child would bite your hand off as long as you are a trusted friend.

Just invite the older one. I agree with the pp - say you'll pick up from school and can they collect at 6 or whatever. Once mine were reception age we never went to any play dates or had any parents back to ours - so never dealt with any siblings until and unless they were friends with our younger child too.

I have two children, my eldest is almost 4 and the youngest is 20 months but agreed, a lot of our friends do have two kids.

I have done it before to only take one and it's easier of course, always is when you only have one child whether that's at home or at a play date.

If my friend found it easier, I wouldn't mind only taking one. If you're really friends, I am sure you can chat about it and be honest about it x

So with my friend today - she did end up talking about it as in whether or not DS just finds the dynamic difficult. Which he does but it also feels like they will never come over to ours or have DS over because of it.

So maybe I will just wait until other parents are happy with drop off playdates. Honestly why is having kids and managing all their different dynamics so damn hard